[Big Mama]

I did something terrible, and life changing a long time ago. I'm not sure this is the right place for this but I think only a woman would understand.

My H and I do not get along to this day, nothing new. But at the beginning of all of this not getting along mess, we were on the verge of divorce. My H went out of town on weekends for work (gladly). That was part of what saved our marriage. But he made life such a living hell and I had two small children to raise w/ out much help from him I did something I wish I would have never done. I told myself that if I were pretty and attractive I could make another man happy. Another man would want me. I needed to stay w/ the man I was married to for if nothing else religious reasons. So I could not trust myself in the presence of others to be so miserable emotionally and wanting to seek emotional support that could easily lead into immoral things. So I gave in to my worst enemy, FOOD. I quickly put on weight. I knew that my H agrees to the same moral standards I do regarding marriage. If I was a "big girl" no one else would want me so that stopped my need to stray and find love. To find someone who really wanted me because my H sure didn't. Little did I know that one step in the wrong direction would lead quickly to a path of self destruction. I am certainly a "big girl" now and my H did stay but not because he wanted to but because it was the right thing to do. Now I am stuck with this body and I can't seem to get the body I used to have back. I turned into an emotional eater. I have alot of issues and fears where my H is concerned and the struggle to be thinner is like fighting a losing battle. I feel bad enough because this battle can't be won. But I feel worse because I created this mess. How sick and twisted is it that I actually thought adding a few lbs would make me remain faithful to my H. If I put on a few lbs no on would want me. It never occurred to me at the time it wouldn't help my relationship issues. It would keep me at home where I belonged but in ALL the wrong ways. I am so sickened by what I have done. It eats away at me slowly. I hate me and what I have done to me. I can't forgive myself and don't know how to handle what my little brain thought was a good idea at the time. I don't know what is worse, what I have become or what a screwed up since of reality I had at the time.

[bebop]

I am sorry you are going thru this. I am an emotional eater too but mine is more for comfort I think. I get depressed I eat. I feel good I eat. I get sad I eat. I too am struggling with weight issues.

[HappiestGirl]

Take care of yourself and be kind. What's done is done but that doesn't mean you can't move forward. Show yourself some love and take that first step. Walk around the block everyday and then you'll have a day where it's actually easier than the day before. (((hugs)))

[shezbut]

I am sorry that you're feeling such shame and self-hate.

We all have weaknesses ~ especially in high stress times. Some people drink alcohol in excess, some go on shopping sprees, and the list goes on. All of the weaknesses have anywhere from minor to major consequences in our lives. Kudos to you for recognizing and admitting this weakness you've developed over the years!

It isn't easy to change habits (good or bad), but it is made a lot easier when you replace one habit with another. So, you may choose to replace overeating with reaching out to others & attending support groups. Or, you may decide to go gung-ho with walks. Starting off with short walks, often, then adding more challenges to the walks as you become stronger (and the walks feel easier).

Gentle hugs to you, Big Mama.

Originally Posted by bebop

I am sorry you are going thru this. I am an emotional eater too but mine is more for comfort I think. I get depressed I eat. I feel good I eat. I get sad I eat. I too am struggling with weight issues.

I'm the same way. It's mainly if I get sad or stressed, and I've been quite down the last few weeks soooo...there goes that 12lbs I worked hard to lose. It's tough; I'm not really sure how to make it better but I know it will eventually.

I totally get where you're coming from with food - its one of the few things most of us have a sincere love for, after all it never lets us down - its always there and always makes us feel the same way. Are there other things which help to make you feel better i.e. using a favourite body lotion or going on your favourite walk or even just having a bath? Sometimes nothing is going to feel as good as say a bar of chocolate or sweets or whatever and its perfectly fine to allow yourself some of these things but i would try and set yourself a limit and then say; 'well i enjoyed that but im not in need of more i can go and do this and that instead.' If you do something nice afterwards its sort of like a reward and continues that 'good' feeling you got from eating. It may take a bit of practise for it to work but eventually that will become your new habit. I think the key is not to give it all up in one go but slowly come to depend on it less and less. There are loads of techniques like this to try so maybe do a bit of research. Hope ive given you some inspiration. All the best.

((( Big Mama )))

,
Pfrog!

[missbelle]

I am also an emotional eater. I have been probably since I got married way back in 1966. My weight goes up and down. A few years ago I lost 70 pounds. I looked so great and got so many compliments. Since then I have gained back at least half of that weight. I guess I should be glad I did not gain it all back. Maybe we can all help each other and be each others support. I live alone now and the worse time is at night when I am bored and no one is around to talk too. It drives me crazy. I look in the mirror and go yuck. I am not that heavy but its heavy to me and where I have gained a lot is my arms.....I probably could fly if there was a good wind.....LOL

I know exactly how you feel. Ar one time I used to go to Overeaters anonymous which uses the 12 step program from AA. They simply substitute food for the word alcohol. Its a national program and you can find meetings online. That might help you. I did like it and they have good literature plus everyone is in the same boat and they charge no fees!

As they say in AA and overeaters...one day at a time........maybe we can start a group here unless there already is one......you really need someone to talk to daily!!

Hugs;

p.s. I am in Fairfax Virginia so we share the same state!!

[Big Mama]

Missbelle, cool I know where Fairfax is kinda, it's north of me. I'm in a little place called Floyd. It's next door to Roanoke. I love your cat pictures. I'm a kitty lover. Yes a overeating group would be interesting. I don't belong to anything like that. It have most of my issues at night. I can do pretty good in the day time. It's a struggle but it's possible. But night time is another story. It's like my relaxing drug of choice. Yeah carbs.

BB Thank you for your support. It's a tough battle.

[kindachaotic]

(((Big Mama))) I follow your postings & think you're incredibly strong!
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You've carried many burdens for a long time.
You are always in my thoughts & prayers.

[jadedrose325]

I COMPLETELY understand your situation. Me and my husband have a lot of problems too and I did the same thing. I totally destroyed myself to try and keep away temptation. I've gained probably 60 lbs, I never wear makeup, I don't take baths as much as I used to, my hair is always up in a braid, and worst of all I don't care about all the scars I'm creating all over my body through SI. By the time I either leave my husband or he dies (he's 20 years older than me), there isn't going to be anything left for anyone else to want. So, like I said, I really sympathize with you. I'm not sure what to say other than, hang in there. You're worth it, so keep putting in the effort to make yourself all that YOU want it. Don't worry about your husband or the other guys you may or may not have an attraction to some time later in life. Do what you want to do. You deserve happiness. We all do

[Big Mama]

Oh my goodness. Someone gets it. It's not an eating disorder it a pissed off disorder. Thank you so much Jade. I'm not crazy or if I am not alone.

Dear ((((Mama)))) What you are describing makes perfect sense and is not sick or twisted at all. Honey, you are being so hard on yourself Many women put on weight, use food, as a comfort and also to PROTECT themselves against what they consider temptation or even worse, danger.

I know it is silly in a way for me to use this as an example, but one of my fave guilty pleasure shows even had a whole episode on that very issue. It makes so much sense. It is very common esp for those of us that have experienced severe trauma

I also went to OA and it helped tremendously. It helped to be with others to discuss the issues, listen and to share. Also, to meet people and to make friends and to have a support group irl that totally gets it. Whether it be binging, purging, not eating, overeating...whatever the relationship with food, it is a matter that runs much deeper than just that in itself. I have been there. I have received treatment. I have been counseled and have experienced a strange relationship with food almost my whole life.

The most important thing I hope you take to heart is that it what you are describing makes perfect sense and you are ok. You are not alone. Not by a long shot. And it is not to late to make gains....to understand what has happened, why it has happened and to stop being so incredibly upset with yourself. You are beautiful. Things can get better. You just have to take that next step.

But whatever you decide to do...you are beautiful.

Rose

[bebop]

recovering carb junkie here! really it wasn't too hard to get off them. of course I do eat some because most foods have carbs but I watch what I eat now. I had not realized I was depressed until I asked the dr for something for stress and he put me on medication which in turn curbed my cravings. I am down as of today 23 lbs! there are days I completely blow it though and go all out. then I feel really guilty. we can all support each other. great idea!

I too am unhappy in my marriage. not much left of it to be honest.