Miscarriage..

March 3rd, 2013 I wrote this in my private journal.

"I've always wanted something tragic to happen to me so I can feel something important and real. I never wanted to have children until I thought I was pregnant.

I think [he] got me pregnant and also that I miscarried about two weeks later. My period was over a week late, my breasts were very tender and I had the worst abdominal pain of my life followed by a very heavy flow of blood for several days. It didn't feel or seem like a normal period and there were a lot of clots. I am 99% certain this is what took place. I am devastated, mostly due to my allowing myself to fantasize about having a child. A little blonde, blue-eyed boy.

I told [him] everything, even that I lied about being on birth control when we had sex. He reacted in a completely strange way. He told me he was sorry I had to go through it. I was kind of shocked and I'm not sure where we stand now. My prediction is a complete severance in communication on his part. More devastation..

I'm not sure what I think about having kids in the future. I want a child so badly now. It's a bizarre feeling. I never expected this. I never wanted to feel this way or to go through this. I just wish I knew if I were crazy or not, for certain. I was so sure I was pregnant. I'm disappointed and relieved, but mostly just devastated, like I said."

Has anyone else been through this? I try not to think about it but I haven't made peace yet..

I had a miscarriage - it happened on the day that my brother and his wife proudly announced to me that they were expecting a baby - I never told them as I sat there, that I was losing mine. Like you, it was early pregnancy - but I was so sad, I didn't want that life inside me to end. Maybe it is instinct - babies need us to keep them safe, so those intense feelings could be "just" hormones or that primitive response, designed to protect. I think for me there were other things too, that I had failed in some way, that I was not good enough. I also can relate to the relief - the thought of having a baby was exciting, but also scary all rolled up into one. Also sadness, that anticipation of having something so amazing, so special, that would grow inside me, that would be mine - that I could feel love for, feel proud of.

I am sorry you are experiencing this right now - I am sure feelings associated with this are so personal and individual. Do know that there are people on here who care.

Soup