[Bubata]

I just need someone else's perspective
Hi everyone,
I am 22 from an Eastern European country, and this is my first time ever in a chat room. I've had problems with depression and feeling trapped in my life since my early teenage years. I started experimenting a lot with drugs and alcohol, going to clubs and discos, I've been a smoker ever since I was 14. But over here people aren't so strict and parents aren't so worried, so it was never an issue. Ever since those days I've wanted to get out on my own away from my parents, be able to earn my own money instead of relying on my father, and move out so I don't have to be close to my controlling and over-involved mother. Ever since I can remember they just decided what was good for me and sooner or later they forced it on me, but since I always screw up everything I start, it was easy for them to just wait for me to fail and say: now it's time to do it our way, if they didn't agree with my choices, obviously, they didn't help me. And the thing is, I am so used to them helping me that I don't know how to stand on my own 2 feet. My father never let me work and my mother mostly supported him, so, to this day I have never had a job, first I was too young, than I went to school in the USA, and wasn't allowed to work under immigration law, and after that, I came back home and for a year now I've been doing nothing. The minute I got home, expelled from college ( my dream school, place and life) my father registered me in a university here to study law, which I didn't want, but he did me a huge favor- he brought my boyfriend from the states back home with me to live and be with me , so I had to give in, because my father was and still is, fully supporting us. I passed the two exams and got in the part time law program. It's been a year I've passed 4 out of 8 exams and I don't even care. Meanwhile my boyfriend who, I love very much changed. He started getting more and more violent and threatening, he even raped me one one occasion, I assume the stress of being in the middle of nowhere and the helplessness he feels have something to do with the change. After a quarrel in which he broke my ipad, he promised to find a job or work for my father to pay it off, he never did and when I finally asked him if he was going to do it already, he shot me down completely saying that he wasn't going to work for 20 dollars a hour (he has no higher education, so he can't do better than that over here). His jealousy has now gotten to a point that I can't go out on my own or talk to anyone he is not sure is no treat, he is even jealous of girls, so I can't have a real life outside of him, I can't even go out with my girl friends because I might see a guy somewhere, lead alone have a job he doesn't approve of, or school he has a problem with... I talked to my father about sending him away he is just waiting for my okay, but I am not sure. I am worried because without my boyfriend here I cannot get out of my country. My parents are already sick of my expenses and they will not support me going anywhere outside my home country. I dreamed of going to the states and there I was the happiest I've ever been, but I got involved with my boyfriend we got really involved and 6 months later I moved in with him, than he lost his job because he couldnt stay away from me for long and i ended up supporting him and lying to my parents about it, in another 3 months I was pregnant, hanging by a tread in school because of my numerous absences, because I had no money for the commute from the new place. I had an abortion, and enrolled in summer school to try and save my visa... I was warned that any absence will be crucial to my reinstatement going trough, but one day, two weeks in the program, we had a fight and he refused to let me out of the house, so I lost my visa and knew I was going back.. I didn't want to lose him after everything we had been trough, so we decided( it was my idea) to come back to my country together. The plan was to immigrate to a country that we both liked, somewhere in Europe, later on, we chose spain, but since than we are both unsure... He lost his residency because of me, and due to some problems with the law he won't have a chance to ever go back to US. So... I damaged everyone's life, completely destroyed mine, and lost the life I had dreamed about so much... What do you think I should do? Any comment, answer, opinion, advise or criticism is welcome, please respond.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Bubata

What do you think I should do? Any comment, answer, opinion, advise or criticism is welcome, please respond.

I have some ideas but I also have questions, and may I ask you to not write the way you do, because it is too dense without paragraphs. The situation is too complex, with a lot of factors, and to appreciate the details, I am asking that you write in shorter paragraphs.

So:

- the boyfriend himself needs to go ASAP

- the program in law that you do not care about at all needs to follow suit of the boyfriend in that it needs to go ASAP

After that, you need to make good choices for yourself but I cannot even start giving you suggestions because I do not understand your visa situation.

If you could clearly describe your visa situation, I would comment further.

With that, do not be hard on yourself and treat life as a series of problems to solve.

[Bubata]

I will write in separate paragraphs in the future and try to make things easier to understand, I'm sorry about that, like I mentioned, I'm a total newbie at this

The visa situation is no longer an issue, but thanks for the offer, after I got expelled from college, I left the country as soon as possible, so that I don't add more problems to my situation, I came back to my home country, and I have been here since last August.

On the issue of my boyfriend, I am taking your advice and getting him to go to whence he came.

And lastly, about the law program that I hate.. I am not taking any immediate action, since I'm not enrolled in any other educational activity, and am afraid of letting it go before I have another option. I am planning to apply in schools abroad, since I don't see myself staying in my home country for long, but all that takes time so for now, I'm sticking to what I already have, however tedious and worthless it is for me. I would just feel like such a looser to be working just any job, and be out off school while, most people my age are out there, already starting their masters degrees and making a difference.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Bubata

On the issue of my boyfriend, I am taking your advice and getting him to go to whence he came.

Bubata,

I happened on your OP accidentally, because I normally do not visit this forum - I visited because I wanted to review the posts on my old thread on which I asked for recommendations for inexpensive but fun perfume scents. But saw your message and responded. Now I understand that I really lucked out on you - you were clearly sent to teach me loving kindness.

Because, you see... your boyfriend was increasingly violent and even raped you on one occasion... so you would have been totally justified in calling the police and getting the boyfriend to go to jail... but you are forgiving and magnanimous in that you are not getting him to go to jail but rather are getting him to go to whence he came (a lovely word expression - a separate thanks for teaching me that)... in other words, you are releasing him neutrally into space... that is true loving kindness.

I do not believe in karma but were I to believe in karma, I would say that the good karma created by you for yourself in letting him go to whence he came and not to jail will manifest itself in good things happening to you in the near future.

Will write more later on the other aspects.

[hamster-bamster]

PS

I do realize that the police in Eastern Europe are unlikely to act on reports of domestic violence against women and follow through enough to cause the boyfriend to actually go to jail. So I was making a theoretical point.