It won't ever happen to me...

(Right now I'm listening to dark music to help me calm down. I am angry, a little sad, and overall not happy with myself.)

This might be moved because it has sexual content in it, but I thought this would be better fit for the Women-focused support group.

I've been watching pornography for a while to make myself feel good (sometimes when I'm stressed) or when I'm bored, and I nearly do this all the time, just once a day.

I have also wanted to know more about the behaviors of being in an intimate relationship, dating, and sex positions, so I was doing research for most of the time on that.

I am always fantasizing of what it would be like to be with a guy who loves you, and daydreaming of having intercourse. It happens especially when I look at sex position photos, but whenever I do, I get really angry about the girl being in the picture because she's the one that is in a relationship having fun and not me. This is why I usually watch gay porn videos instead of straight ones. Besides, gay guys are so hot and it's cuter when they go at it (Sorry if you think I'm degrading masculinity, but gays often call themselves "cute" now.).

Yes, I am admitting that I'm jealous of those girls having a boyfriend/partner. I haven't even had one yet! I've never been in a relationship. I had the chance of being "in love" once, but I was stopped by my mom. Also, I know that there are a number of factors that limit my chances of ever trying to be with a guy:

-They don't like the way I look because I am thin and tall. (They even call me "anorexic", which I'm not.). Not to mention all of my scars and deformed figure. They won't be pleased with me. When I look at a girl in the photo, not a single bone is visible, they have a full figure, they look flexible and graceful when they are having sex, and their skin is so clear. There is not one scratch on their body!

- I have a low IQ and I don't have any interests. (I hate reading (bored of it), writing (I'm not good at it), television (in general), drawing (I'm not good at it), playing video games (boring), I can't play any sports (due to medical conditions) I can't take any dance classes (I don't have time anymore), school clubs (not in my interest).) I've failed three classes in my sophomore year, which I have retake along with the help of an afterschool program to get me caught up with all of my other regular classes (I know, it will be embarrassing for me to be with people who are a year younger than me in a class I'm being held back in. It is a way to humiliate me for what I have done to ruin my school education records.) I used to have a lot of those interests but now they don't appeal me anymore. I am sure that I will not be liked for being stupid.

-I am very specific on what I want to look for, because if I just say, "All I want is a guy to go out with me.", then I will be upset with my unexpected results (this is the reason why people are frustrated with me being "picky" about everything that I want). Perhaps I just have too much of an imagination, but my expectations are unrealistic (Of course there will never be anyone like this, because he's imaginary!). A guy has to be way taller than me (I prefer 3 inches or more), have a muscular build and be healthy (not thin like me, not overweight or have his gut sticking out, and not like he's on steroids. He cannot be on any drugs, any tobacco products including smoking, and not be a heavy drinker.), I want him to be honest and not lie just to get other people's attention or cover up anything that's bad/suspicious (I met a guy who lied just to make people feel bad for him.), to not have any record of being in trouble with law enforcement (stealing/robbing, gangs, sexual harassment, weapons/explosives, and absolutely NO drug dealing whatsoever!) to be strong (physically, mentally, emotionally (as well as intimately)...and spiritually), be protective of me (keeping me safe from harm, but not being in total control.), to be understanding of me and listen (if he ever sees my body or notices any behaviors that he deems "strange".), to be loyal (no cheating, flirting with other girls, and so on and so forth.), absolutely has to NOT be abusive (physically, emotionally, mentally. I have been used, called names, cursed at, and made fun of. I certainly do not want this in an intimate relationship!), cannot be gross/disgusting with their manners (I do not want to be reminded about my dad who passes gas out in public on purpose.) must be attractive (of course I would! I would love to see their face. Especially their eyes.), and maybe have semi-long hair (I don't mind if he has shorter hair, but long hair that extends past their shoulders really turns me on). Most of all, I would like to find in a guy is if he has scarring on his body from a traumatic injury (it might not be likely that I can find someone that went through the same thing I did, but it would amaze me if he ever had a shark bite on the torso or even had an amputation). Scars would make him totally drop-dead-sexy!!!

-There are certain things I don't like when it comes to dating. I don't like being taken out to restaurants on a date (The thought of it scares me and makes me nervous, because I consider it too fancy and it makes me feel bad that he's paying for me.) I don't like it when someone wants to have sex just as soon as I have spent one day with them (I do not want to be rushed in a relationship. Sexual intercourse is very special time in life, especially when it's my first time. It signals a strong bond emotionally and spiritually. When people do that on their first date, it loses its meaning. They haven't actually "met" the person yet. They didn't take time to get to know their personality or who they really are. I will reserve sex only for that one special person that is right for me at the right time. It will make it more fun when I know that this person is really into me and wants to spend time longer being right by my side.) I don't like being given gifts (I hate being given presents and gifts on holidays or during my birthday in general. It's not like I need anything, and I find it unnecessary. Most of the time I feel like I don't even deserve to be given anything, because I'm always disappointing people and I'm perceived as being bad (low grades and fighting with my mom). However, a few times I was given something that was very neat or important to my needs, when I didn't even consider ever receiving it. If I want something, then I will get it myself. It really bothers me when you give a family member a gift (In this case, my mom.), and then they expect you to keep on giving them what they want even when they end up not wanting to use it, but if you don't, they break down crying and screaming how you don't love them.)

-There are some things that I wouldn't mind. If they kissed me when I spent a little bit of time with them, it kind of coaxes me into wanting to get to know them more. I like it if they were cuddling or getting closer to me (putting an arm or arms around my waist).
-Also, I can tell when there is something wrong when they make the slightest move or the way they talk. It indicates that they are not the one for me, and that I should not continue any further with them.

The story when I almost had a date:

My brother is autistic and is a year younger than me. He had a playmate that was six years younger than him (strangely, my brother makes friends with younger children than he does with kids his own age). This little boy, from my mom told me had an older brother, who she thought he was "attractive" (It was weird when she said it, her age being 35 while this older kid was still in high school). This was back in 2012 at the end of my freshman year of high school when I was 15. I was with my mom and we went to go pick my brother up from his playmate's house. I decided to stay in the car, but my mom took forever to stop talking, so I decided to go in there. That's when I saw Aaron, and sure enough, he was attractive! He was really tall and had a slight build. That's what I liked about him. However, mom told me that he was 17 and would be turning 18 soon. The next time his grandmother came to my house (he lived with his grandmother for some reason I didn't know of.) I told her that I thought Aaron was "hot". Aaron wanted my number and talked to me. He invited my brother and I to spend a few hours at a nearby pond to fish in. I was picked up by his grandmother with Aaron and his little brother. His grandmother dropped us off and we were by ourselves. I decided to watch instead of fish with them, and I was at a safe distance (I didn't want to hurt someone with the fishing poll or have a hook caught in my eye.). My brother and his brother were busy having fun, while Aaron and I were talking with one another. It was nice conversation, and I was listening to what he had to say. We even took a stroll around the pond, finding out why he couldn't catch any fish (the water was dirty and there were bits and pieces of trash at the other end, along with three dead fish floating at the top). He told me that I could call him any time, and he wanted to take me out. When his grandmother came to pick us up, I gave him a hug with both arms and he was looking away. He gave me a hug with one arm (I was a saddened by this, because it seemed like he wasn't really interested.). We were in the car and it was dark in the back seat. I was sitting by the right door while Aaron sat next to me. He then wrapped an arm near my thigh and he sort of leaned against me, whispering, "You smell good." (I thought that was weird, because I wasn't wearing anything that scented my body.) Then he kissed me on the shoulder and he motioned me to kiss him. That's when we gave each other a long dry kiss. His grandmother was up front and she didn't even notice. We arrived at my house and as I got to the door with my house key, he shouted out my name and I asked if we were going to meet up. I shouted out, "Yeah." I flopped down on my bed and I just felt good, but then I thought back on that kiss. I just seemed that he didn't seem like the right one and it just turned me off.

I called up my mom and she was asking me if I did anything with him. I thought she was going to punish me if I told her and it's not like I could lie about it, so I told how we kissed. She was actually excited for me. For some reason I was still unsure about Aaron and "dating" him, but I asked my mom about anyway. She started getting up in my face about it asking, "What do you mean by "going out"?" She knew what I was talking about. I was afraid to say the word "date", because she now wasn't going to let me date him. It really pissed me off. It sounded like I was okay to date him, but now she was just ****ing around with me!? I pushed it away and decided that I wouldn't call him. He never did call me back, and I felt relieved about it. I just started pointing all of his flaws that made me not like him (I learned this from my mom who is prejudice and judgmental about people around her. No, I am not exactly like her.), and I even talked about this with mom. She told me that I just have to find out which person would be the best for me. The last time he called me was a month after my last surgery. He was wondering if I could hang out with him, and that's when I grew nervous again. I told him that it wasn't the best time due to me healing after the surgery. He sounded a bit disappointed and reminded me that I could still call if I wanted to hang out. I deleted his number after that, in fear of him trying to talk to me.

It wasn't until at the end of the school year for me that he showed up at my house. I opened the door and I saw a guy who was wearing skinny jeans, a metal t-shirt, studded belt, skate shoes, and gages (those earrings that expand the width of your earlobes.). I couldn't recognize him for his facial features. His hair was dyed a medium brown, shaggy cut, and he grew a beard. I was nervous at first, because I didn't know who he was, and my hair was standing on end. He then asked, "Hi, is Mikaela at home?" I asked him who he was and he told me he was Aaron. I said hi to him, and he told me that he couldn't recognize me either (he said that I looked like my mom, which I was not happy to hear about.). He asked if I had any plans for the summer, and that's when I told him that I would be moving soon. He said how that "sucks", and then asked if my brother and I would like to hang out with him over the weekend. I said it was a "maybe". I felt a little happy about this (although it didn't make any sense. I want to be with him now, but I didn't want to be with him before?). It felt like this was my chance to hang out with a guy again (All of the other ones that I would talk about, mom would already cross them off her list of "people not allowed to hang out with me". Most of them had mental illness issues, and she didn't want me hanging out with them after all I've been through.) I was eager of this, but when mom heard about it she straight up told me, "No! What makes you think I would let you hang out with him!?" (She doesn't like him because he was once kicked out of Poston Butte (previous high school), and that he moved out of his grandmother's house to go live with a girl that he found instead of me (because I couldn't date him.). He broke up with her because she moved away as well and wasn’t able to go with her.) Oh my god! This ****ing ***** tried setting me up with him, and now she all of the sudden says, "No." and gives her piss-poor opinion about him? She does that with every ****ing person that I meet! She isn't even perfect! What the **** is her ******* problem!? He came to my door again, but this time my mom was there and she told him, "No, sorry, Mikaela isn't into boys right now." Thinking he would be gone for good, he came for the third time, with his little brother and another little boy. He was asking if he could use our phone, and that's when I frowned, saying with an anxious voice, "You can't come in our house." He kept on urging me, but mom's roommate was there to tell him to be on his way and closed the door. It was scaring me for some reason. If I can remember this correctly: Mom said she would call his grandmother about not Aaron coming over to see me.

Every other guy I've approached, I either sensed something was wrong with him, or was just playing around with me. (There were at least two people who I thought would be good to hang out with, but then I sensed something bad about one of them, and the other said something that my mom took seriously, making me report him to the principal. Nothing ever happened to him.).

The good thing is that my mom is gone for most of my life (I'm happy about that), so she is out of the way and cannot set up a barrier to keep me away from people.

The others in school have never noticed me, because I have never been in any other social circle with guys that had the same interests as I did back then. I'm going to a new school now. I will be starting with a new life, no friends, and no record of being the "weird" girl from my last school. This is my last and ONLY chance of getting a guy! I'm trying my best to make it possible, but I know what will happen. It all depends on luck.
I'm not a lucky child.

Birth date: September 13, Friday, 1996.

First you have an entire lifetime to find the right guy. It doesn't have to be done in high school. Second, sex between two people in love is not always like the sex in porn. I admire you for having high ideals for a guys. And I'm sure you will find one to love at some point but don't be hard on yourself because you haven't found one yet. I hope starting at a new school helps and it opens up all kinds of possibilities to make girl and guy friends. Let it flow. You with find your true love but it may not be in high school. Generally, you have to get a little older and find out who you are first. Wishing a great year at school.
Gayle

Yeah, I just wish those high ideals would come true. I was thinking it would be more realistic if I thought of meeting someone who has major scars like I do, but overall had a healthy and good looking body too. Just like me? I don't know.

I do think that the "real world" would be a better option for me than high school, but that's if I continue to live past the age of 18 (which there's a small chance of me ever cheating death.). More options, and guys are usually a bit more mature by then, but they also have their complete physical appearance by then (that's what makes them even more attractive to me.). I just don't know if I will ever have the time to go out and meet with a date, or even be able to live off on my own, considering how I'm not going to a college to get that "successful career".

EDIT: No, the "good looking body" thing is too unrealistic.

I do not have time to read it all, but from what I have read, you do write well and you do have a high enough IQ.
this is to respond to your statement:

"- I have a low IQ and I don't have any interests. (I hate reading (bored of it), writing (I'm not good at it), "

Mikaela - you have too much PII (personally identifying information) in your post - an unusual first name coupled with the exact birth date. Is it really necessary?

Also, thin and tall is fine these days - no problem. Just dress yourself well.

Sorry...

Yes, the name is unfitting.

I hate how I share with the Archangel, St. Michael...

Listen, I wasn't even suppose to be born, and yet my parents were weird enough to give me a name that doesn't suit my fate...

I swear if I am to take an IQ test, I would be more than likely placed with special education students.

It takes me forever to actually write something down on paper, and you can see that it's easier to type this on screen.

This post actually took me about three days to complete due to being distracted with other things, and I also cheated by using "Grammar and Spell Check" on Microsoft Office Word. I even leave out words in sentences now, and I'm always having to edit my posts on here all of the time.

Online IQ tests are fake.

The writing has its strengths. This is not about grammar and spell check - it is about how you lay out your thoughts. You do it well. There is no software (to the best of my knowledge) to check how well you lay out your thoughts. So - good for you.

The name "Mikaela" reminds me of a Canadian artistic gymnast (I did artistic gymnastics as a kid so I still follow gymnasts):

Mikaela Gerber - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

PS While you could not be an artistic gymnast to your stature (too tall), perhaps she will at least provide an alternative to the archangel.

No, online IQs don't really help out.

I was told by a spiritual leader at a recovery church (that I once use to be a part of) to get tested for my IQ at school.

She said that I could turn out to be really intelligent, and that the work I was doing at school would be too easy for me, mentioning that I could use more challenging assignments.

I refuse to take an IQ test, because I know where I would remain for the last two years of high school.

I do not want to be reminded any more of Michael. I think of him all of the time, hoping that he doesn't show up in my dreams. This has become an obsessive thought, but it reminds me to always stay alert and be aware of his presence.

First of all, you are young and I'm sure you are a beautiful girl. There is no need to rush 'being' with a guy. You WILL find the right one, and he will make you happy. Second, don't let your mom drag you down, or anyone else for that matter. Try to relax and stop looking for the bad in guys and try to see the good. There are some, not many, but a few, really good guys out there. As for the specific details on the guy you want, sweetie, if you wait for that you may be right that you wont ever find anyone. Looks should be the last thing that you are looking for. Yes, its nice to have eye candy on your arm, but its even better when their whole heart is yours. I have this with my fiancee, he loves me in every way and helps to build me up not tear me down, use, or abuse me. I hope you find what you are looking for.

Keep this list, hun!!! Love it!! You know what you want! Keep searching! This, is a very well thought out, mature list of what you want!!

May not happen tomorrow, but you never know, it could! I also like that you know what you do and don't want from dating! I don't find it completely unrealistic. Many of the qualities, listed here, focus around his personality and what you will and will not accept in life.

I hope you find 'him', this one ^^^^^^ that one, listed right there!!!

I am concerned seeing the desire for scars/amputation/bites. It is a low likelihood event unless you want to go work for a VA hospital where you would see injured soldiers.

Thanks guys. I was actually talking with a family friend. She told me, "How about you just try and find a guy who accepts you for who you really are."

I don't know, I'm just afraid if he sees my body, he'll be really disgusted.

tall and skinny should be OK - Natalia Vodianova - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 5'9'' and very skinny.

or are you talking about other things - scars, deformity, ...?

Have you seen a dermatologist about the scars? Are there any options to help the skin heal?

Yes, I have acute scoliosis that rotates my ribcage to my left side, and is bigger than my right. My spine is visible along with my ribcage, due to my weight being 115. My left side of my back is humped while my right is completely straight. Also, a scar that is underneath my right breast is really small compared to my left breast. I had to do with the fact that when I was 4, they took out some tissue and it never grew back normally.

They did give me an option to take away my scars, but I don't want to worsen my scoliosis. They did say they can reconstruct my right breast by the time I am 18. My ribcage and breasts are all that I'm worried about.

I hope you get good results from reconstruction!

I really wouldn't worry so much about intelligence. For one thing, IQ isn't stable- it fluctuates depending on your growth and your mental state (among other things). If you're roughly in the normal range, it also has much less to do with academics than hard work, study skills and passion for the subject. That probably sounds clichèd, but speaking from personal experience (I'm in a difficult program at a highly-ranked university: 80% drop-out rate for the first semester alone), it aint always the smartest left over when the going gets tough. That being said, one of the smartest people I know (he scored 130+ on every IQ test he's taken, putting him in the top 2% globally) nearly flunked a year in high school because he didn't see the point and decided to play video games instead.

I don't know about your scars, but a close female friend of mine has a fairly conspicuous scar on her arm that she felt was revolting; her ex was actually kid of turned on by it. I doubt being tall hurts your chances with the guys, and as far as skinny goes, you might fill out a little more with time (I hit my last growth spurt around the time I turned 17). 115 pounds sounds a little light for a tall girl- maybe you can ask your doctor next time you see him/her if there's some healthy way for you to put on a few pounds?

As for this being your last and only chance to get a guy, I hope not, because otherwise I'm completely screwed. (Older than you, some acne and acne scars, single, not conventionally pretty)

P.S: Isn't Michaela just the German version of Michelle, as in the Beatles song? (sorry, huge fan) ((Michelle/ma belle/these are words that go together well))

I just ran into an acquaintance who had reconstruction of one breast following mastectomy. She looks great. Really great. She has large breasts, and the reconstruction looks great, and she does not hide her breasts - she always wears low neckline tops, and looks fantastic.

Since you are smaller breasted (I assume so based on your weight which is low for your stature), it should be easier to reconstruct your right breast.

Hey, you can blame it on your appearance, but i really think whats standing in your way are those expectations you have. When i was a lot younger I used to want someone who was basically perfect. Then after a while I realized how boring that would be.
Unless by some fluke, you'll never meet anyone who is 'perfect' in all aspects to you. So perfect, no. Compatible, yes.
If you find a guy that you like, make sure you communicate with him. Tell him things that would really make you angry/ are deal breakers. You said you were more attracted to men over 18-20ish. Not sure how old you are. But why not date guys in that age range? High school doesnt have to be your whole world, even if thats where you are during the day.

You can have a scarred up body and still be beautiful and attractive and a man that loves you for you, will love your body's imperfections!

I had a breast mammoplasty many years ago. Truly, men like breasts, even with scars on them!