[Onyx999]

Hey guys,

I didn't know where to post this. I am usually in the psychotherapy forum, but it didn't seem appropriate. This may be kind of long cos there's a bit of back ground to it.

Basically I want to know if I'm justified in thinking the sibling is violating boundaries. This will be long cos there's lots of background I want to get out there. Here it is.

I have a younger sibling (3 yrs difference). We are not close. She has untreated mental problems which may include being bi-polar. A friend of mine who grew up with us suspects she's bipolar because of several things in her behavior. That's another story.

About 1-yr-and-a-half ago the sibling got on Facebook. She added me, other relatives and her friends. Nothing unusual. She had been without internet service for several years so that's why she wasn't on and didn't really know anything about social media etiquette. She and I were (at the time) living close to each other back home in So. Cal. She was (per usual) living with our mother. She had been out of work for several years and unable to find employment so she decided to start her own little business. I was proud and supportive. Although I don't like her very much, I usually will try to help her if I can. So when she started sending friend requests to my friends, I didn't think too much of it. I just thought she was trying to get the word out about her business. Needless to say I got very tired of going to social functions and having my friends come up to me and question me about her requests. I explained it by telling them about the business she was starting and that she was not clear on etiquette about not adding folks you dont' know at least without an explanation as to why.

I keep in touch with only very close and important friends on FB. These are people I've worked with and forged deep bonds with in my former profession. These people are very important to me. I explained several times about etiquette and that my friends are some very private people and to not send these requests unless she explains why she is reaching out to them. She always seemed slightly offended when I would tell her this. Every one I asked always told me the requests came without explanation and that they thought it was strange.

This is annoying to me because it is a similar pattern I've seen in her throughout our whole life. She would always use my property (not that my friends are property) when we were growing up and break it.
I have been living with her and our mother now for the last several months here in NOVA. I came out to search for a higher paying job. I have a job but it doesn't pay very well. so I've stayed here while I searched. I am on my way out of this state very soon though because I've been wildly unsuccessful out here. But I digress...

When I moved here in Jan. I let her drive my car for a few months, because she has a retail job and I work from home. I had the car shipped here ahead of me so she was using it for about a month before I got here. When she picked me up from the airport in January, I remember thinking wow this car is really clean and neat. The sibling and parental unit are known to be slovenly. So I was surprised.
When I took my car back in March it was trashed on the inside. She had clothing, discarded tissues, water bottles and other assorted junk in it. I was aghast and pissed to say the least. I had some minor repairs done, cleaned it out and she has never driven it since. I felt completely disrespected.

Here's another example of her behavior.

Last summer, I had gone out with a guy I was seeing casually. We had gone to eat after a nice summer hike in Chino Hills state park on a lovely August afternoon. I got some food for the sibling to go. I texted her and had her come over to pick it up for dinner. My date and I are sitting on my couch just about to have some drinks, shower and then have a little adult fun when she comes over. Instead of making polite small talk, taking the food I got her and leaving quickly, she actually sits down at my computer starts holding a convo with my date and then opens up the food and stars to eat. I got her to go by saying (after nearly 30 mins had passed) that I had to shower, so she needed to leave. Per her usual M.O. she got this offended look on her face and left. No apology no nothing. I realize she's gay, but it should have been obvious that 3 was a crowd.

And I could go on and on about the social media stuff. I'm extremely tired of seeing her pop up on my friends newsfeeds with her comments as if she knows these people. it's ridiculous.

I see these as boundary violations. For years I never knew what to call this behavior of hers toward me. These are just a tiny number of examples of this, trust me I can go on and on forever, but you get the idea.

Here is my question. Am I being petty, or is she actually violating boundaries? Please feel free to comment, I really want other perspectives. This has been going on nearly my whole life.

[Shawnie333]

Originally Posted by Onyx999

Hey guys,

I didn't know where to post this. I am usually in the psychotherapy forum, but it didn't seem appropriate. This may be kind of long cos there's a bit of back ground to it.

Basically I want to know if I'm justified in thinking the sibling is violating boundaries. This will be long cos there's lots of background I want to get out there. Here it is.

I have a younger sibling (3 yrs difference). We are not close. She has untreated mental problems which may include being bi-polar. A friend of mine who grew up with us suspects she's bipolar because of several things in her behavior. That's another story.

About 1-yr-and-a-half ago the sibling got on Facebook. She added me, other relatives and her friends. Nothing unusual. She had been without internet service for several years so that's why she wasn't on and didn't really know anything about social media etiquette. She and I were (at the time) living close to each other back home in So. Cal. She was (per usual) living with our mother. She had been out of work for several years and unable to find employment so she decided to start her own little business. I was proud and supportive. Although I don't like her very much, I usually will try to help her if I can. So when she started sending friend requests to my friends, I didn't think too much of it. I just thought she was trying to get the word out about her business. Needless to say I got very tired of going to social functions and having my friends come up to me and question me about her requests. I explained it by telling them about the business she was starting and that she was not clear on etiquette about not adding folks you dont' know at least without an explanation as to why.

I keep in touch with only very close and important friends on FB. These are people I've worked with and forged deep bonds with in my former profession. These people are very important to me. I explained several times about etiquette and that my friends are some very private people and to not send these requests unless she explains why she is reaching out to them. She always seemed slightly offended when I would tell her this. Every one I asked always told me the requests came without explanation and that they thought it was strange.

This is annoying to me because it is a similar pattern I've seen in her throughout our whole life. She would always use my property (not that my friends are property) when we were growing up and break it.
I have been living with her and our mother now for the last several months here in NOVA. I came out to search for a higher paying job. I have a job but it doesn't pay very well. so I've stayed here while I searched. I am on my way out of this state very soon though because I've been wildly unsuccessful out here. But I digress...

When I moved here in Jan. I let her drive my car for a few months, because she has a retail job and I work from home. I had the car shipped here ahead of me so she was using it for about a month before I got here. When she picked me up from the airport in January, I remember thinking wow this car is really clean and neat. The sibling and parental unit are known to be slovenly. So I was surprised.
When I took my car back in March it was trashed on the inside. She had clothing, discarded tissues, water bottles and other assorted junk in it. I was aghast and pissed to say the least. I had some minor repairs done, cleaned it out and she has never driven it since. I felt completely disrespected.

Here's another example of her behavior.

Last summer, I had gone out with a guy I was seeing casually. We had gone to eat after a nice summer hike in Chino Hills state park on a lovely August afternoon. I got some food for the sibling to go. I texted her and had her come over to pick it up for dinner. My date and I are sitting on my couch just about to have some drinks, shower and then have a little adult fun when she comes over. Instead of making polite small talk, taking the food I got her and leaving quickly, she actually sits down at my computer starts holding a convo with my date and then opens up the food and stars to eat. I got her to go by saying (after nearly 30 mins had passed) that I had to shower, so she needed to leave. Per her usual M.O. she got this offended look on her face and left. No apology no nothing. I realize she's gay, but it should have been obvious that 3 was a crowd.

And I could go on and on about the social media stuff. I'm extremely tired of seeing her pop up on my friends newsfeeds with her comments as if she knows these people. it's ridiculous.

I see these as boundary violations. For years I never knew what to call this behavior of hers toward me. These are just a tiny number of examples of this, trust me I can go on and on forever, but you get the idea.

Here is my question. Am I being petty, or is she actually violating boundaries? Please feel free to comment, I really want other perspectives. This has been going on nearly my whole life.

She's violating boundaries and not realizing what a wonderful and giving sister she has in you. I think because you always give she has no responsibility in behaving properly. Since I'm new to this site I don't want to offer advice that may make it worse for you. But I'm going to anyway. Stop giving her things, except for birthdays and holidays. Don't let her get to know your friends without informing them of her problems. Let your friends decide if they want to meet her. With proper information they will know how to act around her and respond to her. If you can try to see less of her. Just because she is your sister does not mean she's your responsibility. Good luck. Shawnie333

[FrayedEnds]

I don't think you're being petty at all. I see her behavior on FB as boundary violations as well as everything else you've mentioned.

Per her usual M.O. she got this offended look on her face and left. No apology no nothing.

this has been my experience nearly every time I've had to deal with boundary crossing issues. It's frustrating ...and I can't decide if they don't get it, or won't get it.

[Onyx999]

I knew it!!! I have my problems as well, but I try to better myself. She never has. For years I questioned myself as to why I was getting frustrated. I thought I was being the jerk. This is one of the major things I would have eventually explored with my therapist if I were not moving states.

I really appreciate the feedback.

[redbandit]

You should unsubscribe or hide her status updates

[Jan1212]

I'm sorry if I didn't catch this but is she young? Like 20? Just curious

If you feel she is over stepping the line... then she needs to respect your boundaries and there was norhing wrong with you telling her not to add your close friends, even if she didn't react well. Thats the right thing to let her know, maybe she thinks you just love her constant company, but in reality she's being intrusive. Some people like being in each other's business, but most of us don't.

This seems like my life. My car got scraped and inside was trashed, she contacts the guys I dated, and talks to them without me knowing! There was little respect, she badmouthed me to my friends and ex's. I once thought that she just wanted friends and to feel like she belongs. Just because she's your sister is no excuse for allowing certain kinds of behavior. SHe's okay to share my friends, and come along, but what she did just ruined it.

That's the thing with living together too. My husband's sister used to barge in his room when we're watching a movie, and take eat food (in front of us) that I bought, kick us out while drunk cause she wanted to watch baseball with her BF, and invite all her friends when my then-BF wanted to make my birthday dinner. Inlaws are worse, but that's another story. I want to keep the realtionship but they just ruin it!

[transient]

I do think that she is crossing your boundaries. I don't exactly have a sister like that, but we have issues, and one thing I know for sure is: if you don't talk to her about it nothing will change. I never talk to mine about our issues, and it just gets worse.

Maybe, when it seems like the right time/ when she's calm and in an okay mood, you could try to talk to her about it? She might not even know that you find it an issue. Since you'd been helping her out all this time she may be attached to you and doesn't know how to express that very well.

I hope things between you two get better soon

Facebook is an easy fix. Put her in a contact group with limit access. You friends should be declining and if she does too much of that Facebook will suspend her from making requests.

[Onyx999]

Originally Posted by Jan1212

I'm sorry if I didn't catch this but is she young? Like 20? Just curious

If you feel she is over stepping the line... then she needs to respect your boundaries and there was norhing wrong with you telling her not to add your close friends, even if she didn't react well. Thats the right thing to let her know, maybe she thinks you just love her constant company, but in reality she's being intrusive. Some people like being in each other's business, but most of us don't.

This seems like my life. My car got scraped and inside was trashed, she contacts the guys I dated, and talks to them without me knowing! There was little respect, she badmouthed me to my friends and ex's. I once thought that she just wanted friends and to feel like she belongs. Just because she's your sister is no excuse for allowing certain kinds of behavior. SHe's okay to share my friends, and come along, but what she did just ruined it.

That's the thing with living together too. My husband's sister used to barge in his room when we're watching a movie, and take eat food (in front of us) that I bought, kick us out while drunk cause she wanted to watch baseball with her BF, and invite all her friends when my then-BF wanted to make my birthday dinner. Inlaws are worse, but that's another story. I want to keep the realtionship but they just ruin it!

Hey there thanks for this. Sorry for the late response. Neither one of us is young. She's 41 and I'm 44. She's never lived on her own....ever. And yes it does sound like you have a similar situation though with a younger sibling.

[NWgirl2013]

Uh boy...this sounds exactly like my older sister. Only she is way older, like in her 60's now. She has and will always be a bully. There. I said it. Absolutely no learning curve there. I'm pretty sure she is set in stone at this point.
If one did venture to "discuss" or confront the weird &/or inappropriate behavior, she feigns not to know of what you speak...
I cut all ties. She did this to herself because no matter how many chances she was given, she always reverts back to bad behavior.
I had to cut a wide berth around her life and mine. All of my friends and acquaintances get it & are cordial but not friendly as a self protective mechanism. They have all seen her turn vicious then pretend it didn't happen. She co-opted friends only to try to turn them against me, over & over again. Facebook became her lurking grounds, then she'd use what info she'd glean as weapons of destruction out of the blue. Please beware! I hope your deal isn't as bad as mine was.
I still don't trust her as far as I can throw her. I got a Christmas email this year & Promptly deleted without opening. There is no trust that she has any good intent. She was fishing. Sad but true.
Sorry to hear that you too have this koo-koo behavior in your world... At least you know you're not alone...