Having a hard time making female friends, can anyone relate?

Oh wow, it is interesting you bring up the 'negative' stuff, because I was thinking about that earlier this week. I am trying to stop myself from saying *anything* negative when I meet people for the first time. It really does turn people off, even if it's just a complaint about the weather.

I had a weird interaction with someone else that reminded me how important this is. I was talking to this woman I had just met. She mentioned that her husband was ill and in the hospital. I told her I was sorry, but I didn't really know what to say beyond that - I don't want to ask for details or ask what he has, because maybe she doesn't want to talk about it.

Right after that, she starts talking about how a certain kind of flower always makes her think of the time she was in Germany when her daughter was sick. I can't remember exactly how she phrased it, but the impression I got was that her daughter had actually passed away. Again, she was kind of vague and I didn't want to pry.

So I am probably not going to approach her again for a chat. The conversation made me uncomfortable. She also never showed any interest in my life. I agree that it is best to keep things light and personal at first, save the heavy stuff for after you get to know people.

I agree that growing up in a screwed up home can really negatively effect how we make friends later on. I have a hard time figuring out what's acceptable behavior from a friend and what isn't.

Yeah, the people who pretend to be happy when they aren't kind of make me uncomfortable-- but at the same time, I envy them. I am thinking of one person I know who does this -- it was a coworker and we did not get along at all. She used to drive me crazy, always pretending to be happy. It was obvious that she was just trying to convince herself.

In hindsight, I think she had the right idea. I find myself wanting to do that, to change the negative thought stream that is constantly in my mind.

Self-absorbed people are the worst. I always seem to be stuck with them, too. I think that it is in part because I tend to be negative myself. I've found that I really don't want to complain to people about my problems anymore in person -- it seems to drive away the 'normal' people and just leave me surrounded with other people that are complainers. It's like if you complain to someone once, you are pegged as a negative nancy and they feel free to unburden themselves to you forevermore.

I agree with your cat signature line, lol I hope you can find some other people to talk with. It's really hard!

I can relate. I'm 40 and have only rarely had close female friends. Mainly in college, which was a long time ago. Women just seem more interested in their home lives than in friendships outside the home. Their husbands become their main friends.

I'm separated (for the past five years) but in a relationship and have two kids. If I want to go do something with someone other than my boyfriend, it's always one of the kids. There just isn't anyone else.

All my therapists have told me that I need close female friends, but for the life of me I don't know where to find them!

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"Women just seem more interested in their home lives than in friendships outside the home. Their husbands become their main friends."

Agreed. I have seen that, although, he his her primary but a woman does need friendships besides her hubby. I need close female friends, close friendships all take time. I am 28 with no kids most people either in my age group and seen younger women with children - why do I have to settle for friends with kids? I didn't grow up with a lot of kids. If you got grown kids, not a problem for me. I want new friends don't care if they are married or not I am just very different, think like a man I just don't want the white picket fence lifestyle. My ex-therapist said that's selfish of me coming from a mom herself and told her how can I make friends who are like me?

I'm the same too. The school gates are anxious periods for me because I'm usually on my own looking like a wet rag. I don't know why the other women join in and gossip with each other, to others I'm certain were new people in the area. They never chit chat with me and don't seem interested in talking to me.

The last time I had any female friends was at school.

I can relate! But in my case as well as being introverted, I am also on the autistic spectrum; it's called Asperger's. I am also finding that it is harder to be friends with other women because they can be catty, cruel and excluding if they sense there is something different or offbeat about you. I have had friends but these friendships don't last. Either the person becomes engulfing, or I manage to annoy them or violate some hidden protocol in some way. I have just about given up on having women friends. Also being disabled limits my ability to go out and try to make friends. So yes, I can relate.

I have had friends but these friendships don't last. Either the person becomes engulfing, or I manage to annoy them or violate some hidden protocol in some way. I have just about given up on having women friends. Also being disabled limits my ability to go out and try to make friends. So yes, I can relate.

Wow, I never thought about it that way, but I feel like a lot of my friendships have had the same result-- the engulfing vs. violating a hidden protocol. Sometimes it seems like that happens with the same individual. Like I have a friend who just wants way too much contact, and when I start to pull back a bit, my friend cuts me off almost entirely. It's like all or nothing with so many people.

I think in some cases, it might be that an introvert and an extrovert try to be friends, but when the introvert needs the inevitable down time, the extrovert takes offense, which is really not fair!

I agree -- and I have, in the past, had the really bad tendency of making up for my inclination to be quiet by attaching myself to extreme talkers. I've been practicing being more talkative myself, which is helping screen out those people.

It seems like this stuff hits in waves for me - I have some friends and then all of a sudden I'm not close to any of them anymore - maybe because they moved or I got a new job or whatever.

Wow, I never thought about it that way, but I feel like a lot of my friendships have had the same result-- the engulfing vs. violating a hidden protocol. Sometimes it seems like that happens with the same individual. Like I have a friend who just wants way too much contact, and when I start to pull back a bit, my friend cuts me off almost entirely. It's like all or nothing with so many people.

Hi, I was reading through this thread because I have been struggling with women friendships. It seems like it is very difficult to have close women friends. I really appreciate what you all have had to say. When you ladies say you are shy, does that mean you hardly talk when in a group? Or you do talk, but it is difficult for you?