[Estanatlahi]

I'm 25 yo, and I've never dated or been with anyone. I realize that not all men are jerks or unreliable, but I always find myself thinking just that when a guy flirts with me. I immediately think I'll just be left when I won't have sex with him right away. I also hate feeling pressured into anything. It's not like I want to be alone. I get lonely, but just trying to get to know a guy who seems interested in me makes me anxious (is the word I'm looking for I guess) & defensive. I'm trying to understand if I'm just not ready to be dating or if it's something I should look in to more. I'd like to ask my mom for advice, but I can't really because I don't want her to worry about me. Especially if it's something that I should be able to shake off on my own. Honestly, I'm getting sick of worrying about this too. Maybe I should just forget about finding someone, and if someone stumbles into my life that refuses to be chased away then I'll know he must be the one. I don't know guys. Any advice would help. Thanks.

[waggiedog]

Hello there Estanatlahi. PLEASE please stop getting yourself into a state over this because there's no reason why you need to. When the time is right, and you'll know when it comes along, you will go with the flow!! Honestly you will. I'm NOT in any way being condescending or making out you're making a fuss out of nothing, I once felt like you, I didn't find a partner until I was 30 ~ almost too late!! Anyway's, no more anxiety, just let nature take care of itself and all will be well. HUGS. XXXXX

[buzz bee]

I guess when its right its right. It will flow. Relax and be open minded. There are really good guys out there. No one is perfect and we all have our demons. If there is a guy out there that is exactly what I want and how I want him, there would be no surprises.

[Estanatlahi]

Thanks guys. : )

[doggiedo]

I hear ya. I'm in a similar situation. I'm 34 and dating people, but I can't seem to let myself open up. I think some women tend to wait until they find the perfect guy. Idk if there is such a thing. I'm not saying that you should settle, but still....be a little flexible. Give some guys (or girls, whichever) a shot. When it's right, it'll happen.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Estanatlahi

I'm 25 yo, and I've never dated or been with anyone. I realize that not all men are jerks or unreliable, but I always find myself thinking just that when a guy flirts with me. I immediately think I'll just be left when I won't have sex with him right away. I also hate feeling pressured into anything. It's not like I want to be alone. I get lonely, but just trying to get to know a guy who seems interested in me makes me anxious (is the word I'm looking for I guess) & defensive. I'm trying to understand if I'm just not ready to be dating or if it's something I should look in to more. I'd like to ask my mom for advice, but I can't really because I don't want her to worry about me. Especially if it's something that I should be able to shake off on my own. Honestly, I'm getting sick of worrying about this too. Maybe I should just forget about finding someone, and if someone stumbles into my life that refuses to be chased away then I'll know he must be the one. I don't know guys. Any advice would help. Thanks.

You are describing anxiety and ideally should be in treatment for it, because your anxiety is partially disabling - it affects an important area of social functioning. While there is no deadline in finding a good guy for you at present, it would make sense to seek treatment for anxiety - if you find a good therapist for individual or group therapy, I am sure that you would see benefits in other aspects of your daily life as well. Group therapy is far cheaper and potentially more effective for you, as you will get to know other sufferers and stop feeling so alone in this struggle.

[ladytiger]

I seem to be falling hard for another guy whom I known since high school but haven't seen him since 2010 but we used to hang out in 04, I stopped talking to him for 3 yrs cuz of how he treated me. He is in the Army been in it for 4 yrs now confessed his love for me last Thursday. I ended up kissing him almost got in bed with him even though I have a boyfriend, he seems different. He told me he sees many flaws in my relationship with him as I see it too been seeing it for 9 yrs.

IDK, but Army guy and I's relationship never existed as we wanted to date but too many issues in the past. I am 28 and he is 31 he told me how he lost me when I started dating my current bf 9 yrs ago. He told me he realized he was in love with me a few years ago. It is complicated for me but I couldn't stop thinking about him....

[ChipperMonkey]

If it truly is a part of anxiety, the best thing to do is to push yourself forward. Typical anxiety treatment involves putting yourself into situations that cause you anxiety in order to conquer your fear. If you give in to your fear then the anxiety wins and it tends to get worse and worse. You don't want that to happen!

But, if it truly is a matter of just not being ready, then pushing yourself may not do you any good. I know I have had times in my life where I just didn't want to date. Truth be told, I didn't date much at all when I was younger. I am now in my 30's and am more comfortable with meeting guys and getting to know them.

However, based on your post, I think that therapy could help you, specifically CBT as you have a number of thought patterns that could be worked on. I am referring to the assumption that the guy will just leave you when you don't have sex with him right away. Therapy can also help you build your confidence so that when you do start dating, if a guy comes along and wants sex right away, you can be the one to leave him because you will know in your heart that he isn't the right guy for you!

[norwegianwoman]

I understand where you're coming from. I also instantly suspect guys only have sexual intentions if they seem to be flirting with me in bars etc., guess it has something to do with the setting. Apart from that I usually get along great with guys, the problems ensues when they start flirting with me. Know it sounds crazy, lol, and I know flirting back isn't exactly dangerous, but still...

I also have a problem with FINDING guys in general. I don't understand how people do that. I mean, I have a set group of friends, male and female, but I am not interested in any of them in that way. When I go out it seems everyone just wants to hook up (I'm 23, so it's "that age" where that's all everyone wants to do, men and women) and it's impossible to have a proper conversation. If I try online dating I never seem to find who I'm looking for, besides I find it a bit awkward (my worst nightmare would be if any friends found me on a dating site, I once deleted a profile I had spent a lot of time on because I recognized one of the guys on there). I "know" everyone at school and the people I work with already. I am just a call-in at my work place and most of the others my age there are aswell, so it changes a lot who works there and when. There is one guy there I felt an instant attraction to, my friend thought he was ugly but I disagree (she said "it's too bad he's not good looking, or he would be a total catch") but I suspect he has a girlfriend from something he said once when we all went out for beers after work, and I wouldn't know how to approach him about it, it's awkward when you know you will be seeing each other again and he has worked there longer than me. I don't really understand how I am supposed to meet new people, particularly not "new guys", really. I mean, yes, I sometimes do meet new people at parties etc., but the same applies as the bars. I go out quite a lot and go to quizzes etc., but being chatty with other people there doesn't seem natural. I am too much of a coward to do things alone, such as join meetup.com-groups and stuff because I hate it when there's an established gang that I try to fraternize with if there is no one else in the same situation. But of course, that could be an option. I don't really go to the gym and I certainly don't go there to meet guys, a lot of the guys there seem a bit superficial and I don't exactly feel attractive in the gym.

So, if you partly add your issue of being a bit distrustful when a situation actually comes up, with my issue of not understanding where I am supposed to meet someone who is similiar to me, then you can see that I don't exactly get much action either (neither sexually nor on the love front in general).

[catfan]

I know exactly how you feel. For this reason I was single for 13 years. Now I'm in a relationship for 4 years and STILL feel like this. Did you have negative experiences in the past to make you so distrusting of men? Maybe therapy will help you to get insight in the why you feel this way. I have therapy too, with me the reason is my dad left us when I was around 5 years old and also because of long term bullying.