Starting to date again?

Hi there. I was debilitated by benign paroxysmal positional vertigo for 3 years. 1 year into it I developed agoraphobia and panic attacks, so I ended up being in my flat all the time for 4 years and having no life outside. I went back to work in 2005. I rarely have panic attacks now. I deal with some anxiety, but it's not as much of a struggle as it used to be. I have still have a few phobias that I'm working on, but I'm doing pretty well.

The thing is, I haven't dated since before I got sick. I was in a long relationship up until about a year before I got sick. My ex-boyfriend is still one of my best friends. I spend a lot of time with him. He knows everything about me, never judges and I feel so comfortable with him. But I want to have a relationship -- not with him -- but with someone else. I'm almost 37 and I want to get married and have children before I get too old to have children.

I recently started a new job and am meeting a lot of people. One man asked me out and even though I wanted to say yes, I panicked and said no. I'm really worried about getting to know someone new. I have made new friends since being sick, but having a relationship seems very scary. I'm very confident and outgoing in so many ways. I have a very good job and I LOOK successful. I have opened up to a few new friends that I had agoraphobia and they're shocked when they find out. I don't think it changes how they feel about me, but I think it would be different in a romantic relationship.

If I start dating someone and get to know them, the subject of why I was out of commission from 2000-2005 and why I take medication will eventually come up. I'm wouldn't want to keep it a secret or lie about it. I'm afraid that it would scare a man away from me, though. I'm worried about going to all the trouble of getting to know someone, opening my heart to someone and then having them get freaked out and back away from me when they find out about my struggles with mental illness. I know there are no guarantees of not getting hurt in any relationship, but I have never been this nervous about dating before. This stuff was easy when I was in my 20s. Everything is different now, though. I'm older and I've been through an experience that most people wouldn't understand.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How did you handle it?

Oh do I understand......oh man do I understand.......I am SO GLAD you posted this!!!!! I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in May 06. My first thought was that I'd be "undateable". I ended up falling back into a relationship with an ex who is still a great friend, because I didn't want to be alone, and he was there for me. It was a mistake. It was like trying to force romance on a great friendship.

Now I'm in the position to date again, and it is very hard. For the most part, the men in my life know of my diagnosis because I'm very open about it. Saturday though, my disease reared its ugly head in front of a guy I'm interested in and it was really hard. He actually volunteered to help me by going and getting my car (long story). I tend to not want guys to see my bad days, becaue I'm afraid they won't want to put up with it, and that I'll be single forever.

I guess for me, I have to have faith that there's a man out there who will love all of me....even all my problems. But its definetly a huge fear.....so I'm really glad you posted this, because I'm in the same boat!!!!!!!!!!

~Rayna

Hi Raynaadi. I'm glad someone else can relate. It's odd. If you had posted your fears about dating, I probably would have told you something like...

"You don't want a man who won't love you just as you are. If a man turns his back on you because of your illness, he's a jerk and you'll find someone who truly loves you... in sickness and in health."

That's the kind of stuff we say to other people -- because it makes sense! It's all true. It's so hard to believe it for myself, though. I have faith that other people will find someone who loves them just as they are, but I feel like I need to be perfect in order for someone to love me. I know that's ridiculous. My ex-boyfriend is bipolar. He refuses to accept that he's bipolar (he says he just has a "personality of extremes") or seek treatment (he's a musician and composer and thinks treatment will destroy his creativity). We were together for 6 years and I loved him completely. Living with him and his moods was hard, but I never considered leaving him because of his illness. (We broke up for other reasons and we're much better off as friends -- much less drama.) I didn't know about his condition when we first met. I didn't see any signs until I had already fallen in love with him... and the thought of NOT loving him anymore was just not an option.

I don't know why I can't accept the possibility of someone loving me in the same way. I think it's fear of the unknown. When I was dating in my 20s, I didn't have any mental health issues. There was nothing I worried about sharing. I felt comfortable being totally open. I didn't worry about being judged. I'm different now, though, and it scares me.

Anyway, you have the right attitude. Thanks for your response. I guess we just need to trust in ourselves and trust that there are decent men out there who will love us for who we are. Keep me posted!

Oh I agree, its always so much easier to see the positive for others then it is for ouselves. I just try to have faith that that someone is out there for me. I always wonder though, have I met him already? What is "he" doing right now.....that kind of thing. Who is "he"? LOL. I'm happy on my own, but I do miss cuddling and affection. I'm crushin on someone right now, but we'll see where it goes, if it goes!

I would try to concentrate on the immediate "problem" -- when asked out, I would work on going out and not worry about how in 32 dates I may have to marry the guy :-) Don't worry about anything except having a good time on a date while you're on that specific date! You can't know how it will go and whether the guy will ask you out again (or whether you want to go out again with him) or what you'll talk about or anything until you go! And, you can't "prepare" for dating, there's no pre-dating seminar/class to go to :-) It's an experience and as an experience has to be experienced to learn about it. Can't read books for experience, can't ask others, etc.

I don't know why you feel there's anything shameful about vertigo/ear problems? I had Meniere's and had that for 3-4 years myself and completely understand the depression and fear that it will never go away or be different and that you can't trust "yourself" and surroundings. I was fired from a job because I couldn't get to work one time too many and they needed someone who could should up reliably. It's an illness and for you had anxiety, etc. attached to it. No need to either discuss it in depth or fear that any one of "quality" that you want to spend time with is going to not want you as a result? If it ever comes up I'd just mention "I had medical problems" until I knew someone well enough and was comfortable with them that I could explain a bit further that I had inner ear/balance problems and that caused anxiety problems "and it was a real mess but I'm much better now." If someone "rejects" you, you really don't want them as a "friend"/love anyway do you?

You know same goes with SI...I self mutilate alot plus i do have some other things wrong with me as well as i am alittle physically ill...anyway i thought i was undateable as well..i mean in my mind i thought what guy would want to date a girl who has razor marks all over her skin? Well i met this fabulous guy...he talked and i never told him anything then one night he told me that he fell in love with me...i was shocked to say the least...then i realized i havent told him anything about being molested or the SI it was like double whammys...well i eventually called him one night randomly and let it all out...most of it...and he cried..i actually made him cry..i couldnt bring myself to talk to him but ill tell you what that boy called my phone and texted me like a million times a day when we did talk he told me he still loved me and always would and would do whatever it takes to get me help. So here i am now living very happily with him ...he has seen me trigger, he knows about the molestation, seen the SI and dealt with my abusive parents...and yet he still loves me...still makes love to me...and still wants to marry me someday...so it may seem impossible but when they say they want strong women they really mean it...we show we are strong by living and surviving these things (even though we dont feel strong) not by how well we present ourselves in the social world...not by how far we go on the job chain and certainly not how we step on others to get to the top...thank god i learned this at a young age of 18...

Thanks for all the positive posts. It's inspiring and gives me hope.

I actually have a "pseudo-date" on Sunday. My friend (former co-worker) and her fiance are taking me out for a birthday dinner and a guy I have a crush is going to come too. He actually has my previous job. He was replacement when I left. So, I got to know him a bit when he was working on contract in the office for a month and then when I trained him before I left for my new job. I think he may be interested in me too. My former co-workers all told me that it seemed that way to them. When we were working together, he went way out of his way to drive me home everyday. I recently found out that he struggled with PTSD in the past after getting robbed at gunpoint. That makes me feel more comfortable -- knowing that he has struggled with mental illness in the past too. So, I think there's a better chance that he wouldn't be judgmental if I eventually told him that I had agoraphobia and still struggle with panic attacks sometimes.

It has been so long since I've been interested in a guy, I'm quite inept. When I was younger, I socialized a lot and men asked me out a lot. I have never been in this particular situation before. I'm totally comfortable with him -- talking to him, etc. but I don't know how to let him know I'm interested in him beyond friendship. He seems quite shy and my friends have told me he would probably never have the confidence to ask me out because he wouldn't think I would be interested in him. According to my friends, we're in "different leagues." That doesn't matter to me, though. I know most women don't find him attractive, but I do and I'm extremely drawn to his personality and his sense of humour. I just enjoy being in his presence. So, how do I let him know that I have a romantic interest in him? Any advice? I think I'm too scared to just come out and ask him out on a "real" date.

Anyway, I feel that this occasion deserves a cute new outfit. Wish me luck! Any advice on how to let him know I'm into him would be appreciated. Advice on what I should wear would be welcome too.

Ooooh sounds like you're in a very similar situation that I'm in. I too am crushing on a guy pretty badly....I too always asked guys out in the past. Our situation is a little complicated because I don't feel comfortable making a move on him for another few months (long story, its something he's going through). So I can't just go out and get what I want. So I'm trying to subtly let him know I'm interested. Friends have told me I'm not so subtle, but I don't know if he's seen it or not. I don't really get anything back from him....maybe what could possibly be construed as a flirtatious comment here and there but....nothing concrete so its kinda hard. I don't know if I have a chance with him, but I like him a lot the more I get to know him.

See how conversation goes on Sunday. Try and steer it movies, see if he mentions one thats out that he'd like to see. Or see if the conversation gets around to something fun that he enjoys doing, and if you enjoy it too, just say "We should go do that sometime." Or why not ask him to get a cup of coffee or something? Just do it casually. And flirt a little, touch his arm if he makes you laugh. Go for it!! I always asked guys out in the passed because you're right, they're kinda chicken. I wish I could just ask out this guy that I like....for now I'm seeing him in group settings, and thats enough for me. I just really enjoy his company.

Lets be "crush buddies" and keep each other updated!!!

As for clothing, what kind of place is it that you're going?

Okay. We'll be crush buddies. LOL. It's fun to have a crush on someone. It doesn't happen to me very often. Like I said earlier, when I was younger, I didn't really get the chance to get crushes. Guys just asked me out. If I felt some chemistry I said "yes" and if I didn't, I usually said "no." It was quite simple. I hate hurting people's feelings, so there were times I went on dates with guys I wasn't interested in at all just because I didn't want to turn them down when they seemed so nervous about asking me out. That just prolonged the inevitable, though. Ugh.

So, I actually have never asked a guy out. I'm going to be 37 on Sunday but it's something I haven't done in my life. I spent a large part of my 20s in two different serious, long-term relationships.

I'm glad you're getting the chance to spend some time with the guy you're crushing on. I hope the situation he's in now passes soon so you're able to ask him out. It's good that you're flirting and giving signs so when the time comes asking him out won't feel awkward or out of the blue. I wish I knew how to flirt. I tend to be a very friendly, outgoing person with everyone. So, I don't think my behaviour towards someone I'm interested in is any different from my behaviour towards other people. I suppose that would make it difficult for a guy to read any "signs" from me -- because I'm giving the same "signs" to everyone. LOL.

Thanks for the advice on steering conversation towards things that could lead to opportunities to get together on another occasion. I know he loves movies, so that's a good idea.

The restaurant we're going to is a sort of trendy, mid-price place serving local organic, macrobiotic and Asian-inspired food. It's a slightly funked-up decor in one of the heritage buildings downtown -- bricks walls, fireplace, leather chairs, etc. So, it's not swanky and formal, but it's not casual either. I was in a shop at lunchtime and saw a cute gauzy light grey top and a little stretch charcoal grey skirt. I thought about maybe wearing that with my black knee-high leather 2" heel boots and simple silver jewellery. I have big boobs and could go with one of my va-va-va-voom tops, but I don't think I want to do that on this occasion. I want to look good but not like I'm trying too hard; I don't want to scare the guy. Know what I mean?

Keep me updated on what's going on with your crush. Thanks for sharing and chatting.

That outfit sound CUTE!!!!! A sweater is good, tight enough to show curves but not too incredibly sexy. My dad loved Ann Margaret and her dancing around in a sweater. Something about little sweaters...I don't know why. And with a skirt and boots, heck yeah!!!!!

Okay. Good. Thanks! I'm glad to know I'm on the right track. A short skirt and boots is always a good way to go. If I get the opportunity, I'll try to dance like Ann Margaret. LOL. j/k/

LOL!!!! I can just picture you in this swanky restaurant with your hot outfit flirting with this guy and asking him to dance and then jumping around like Ann Margaret LOL!!!!!!!!! Ooooh man. I'm envious. I wish I had a fun event to plan an outfit for!!!!!

LOL! I'll do my best not to dance around like Ann Margaret. I just need to make sure I stay away from the tequila.

I bought myself a new pretty pink bra last night. I'm not planning on taking my top off during dinner... LOL... but it made me feel good to buy some pretty new lingerie. Even though I'm the only one who will know how pretty my bra is, I'll feel good wearing it.

I talked to my "crush" on the phone the other day. He e-mailed me with a Photoshop question (he's doing my previous job now), so I called him back. We had a fun conversation. He's from London so he has a lovely accent. I just adore listening to him talk. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow evening.

I'm sure you'll have something fun to plan for soon... and when you do, I want to hear all about it!!!

How'd it go????? I want details!!!

I think my "crush buddy" status is gonna change to just "PC buddy" for now.....it's been made pretty clear that I'm just in the friend catagory with mine. Ah well, plenty of fish in the sea right?

My girlfriends and I went to an air show last yesterday and I told one of them that I was planning on saying hi to at least one guy, just "hi" in passing.....and I did!!! We were eyeing this maintenence guy who was staning with his buddies near us and man was he good looking. At one point, during the A-10 demonstration, I walked to a spot with a better view and he was in front of me. He turned around to walk back to his buddies got a big smile on his face when he saw me (my girlfriends and I were making it pretty obvious that we were checking him out). As he walked passed I said Hi and he said "Hey how's it goin" and kept walking. We continued to check each other out, and then their break was over and they left. What fun that was!!

I'm working on my ability to talk to men. I'm not great at it unless I've gotten to know them. So.....maybe a crush down the road will go somewhere, but for now, its time to move on.

Hope you had better luck with yours!!!

I'm sorry you found out you're just in the friend category with your crush. Are you terribly disappointed? I hope not. Who knows what's down the road. It's a world full of possibilities. It's cool that you're practicing flirting. That's a skill... and you need to keep yourself sharp. ;-)

My birthday evening went very well. Dinner was lovely. The guy I like was wonderful as usual. There was a lovely moment during dinner where my new perfume became a subject of conversation and he leaned in to smell... kinda hotttt! LOL. He drove me home at the end of the evening. I don't remember how we got on the subject, but I ended up telling him about my struggle with agoraphobia. He was very surprised by that because he said I seem SO confident and outgoing... and he doesn't feel that way himself. It seemed to make him more comfortable with me and he opened up about some personal stuff. So, that was good. We're going to see a movie soon. (I must really like him because I haven't seen a movie in a theatre since before I got sick -- in 2000 -- but I'm looking forward to it, rather than feeling phobic.) I don't know if it will be this week because I have the flu (it hit Monday morning and I had to spend 12 hours at a photoshoot because there was no one to fill in for me... ugh). I stayed home today and we e-mailed back and forth all afternoon. So far so good. Thanks for asking. I'll keep you posted. I tend to overthink things so I'm still wondering if he's interested in me in THAT way, but the friends who were out for dinner with us told me it's obvious that he really likes me. I hope they're right. Time will tell.

Keep getting out there and checking out guys. You never know when you're going to meet someone you click with. These things can happen in an instant. You just never know when you're going to meet someone you have major chemistry with.

Oh I'm so glad you had a wonderful evening!!! And way to go perfume.....lol. I tend to overthink things as well, hence thinking this guy liked me. But if the two of you are going out alone, I think thats a good sign. I am disapointed, but I quickly realized there's a plan and he must not be it. There are plenty of other men out there! In fact there's one that I ran into last night that has a smile that can make me whither. So....you're right, who knows! I'm not devestated over this, so thats good. In the past I would have eaten a whole thing of ice cream. Guess what? There's ice cream in my freezer that I haven't even touched. So, I'm moving on quite nicely. He's a great friend, and you can't have too many friends!

What movie are you guys gonna go see? What kind of emails were you trading? Getting to know each other better? Sounds like its starting off quite nicely!!!

See? That's the way it happens. One possibility goes POOF and then the next thing you know, you're looking at a guy whose smile makes you wither. LOL. You're right about the friend thing. My ex-boyfriend is one of my closest friends. We were a disaster as a couple, but we're wonderful friends and he's so dear to me.

I don't know what movie me and the new guy are going to see. I have the flu right now -- trying to struggle through a ridiculously busy week at work while feeling sick, so I don't know if I'll be up for anything this weekend. We both like foreign films and indie stuff and there's an arthouse cinema across the street from my place, so I hope there will be something good playing there next week.

The e-mails? He was just giving me sympathy about being sick and we were cracking each other up about work stuff. He is in my former job right now so I can relate to all the irritating stuff he is having to put up with. It seems to be starting off quite nicely.

I'm still overthinking things. Still afraid I might scare the crap out of him, but we'll see what happens. He's so shy and sweet and I'm SO chatty and so social and quite sarcastic and kind of larger than life in my personality, so I'm hoping I don't freak him out. They sometimes say that opposites attract though, right?

I was just gonna say opposites attract. Thats a good combo actually, you can get him out of his shell, and he may tone you down when needed. Sounds wonderful!!! I haven't seen either guy in a couple days. And luckily I'm not going crazy, wishing I would see them. Last night I hung out with a guy friend of mine who is just a friend, but we're flirty and stuff, so its fun. My ex is the same way, disaster relationship, great friend. I'm hanging with two of my closest girls today. I always feel great hanging with the girls. Its so refreshing. I hope you get to feeling better soon so you can go on a date so we can talk about it!

I'm still overthinking things. Still afraid I might scare the crap out of him, but we'll see what happens. He's so shy and sweet and I'm SO chatty and so social and quite sarcastic and kind of larger than life in my personality, so I'm hoping I don't freak him out. They sometimes say that opposites attract though, right?

I'm like you it sounds :-) and my husband sounds like him so yes, opposites not only attract but "fit together" well; think of it like a puzzle piece snapping into place? We have the ying and yang figured out and are totally unbeatable in Trivial Pursuit :-)

Have fun hanging out with the girls today. That's always so rejuvenating. I went on a couple of trips with a bunch of my girlfriends this summer. We all went to Summerfest in Milwaukee one weekend in July and then we went for a Vegas weekend in September. It was so much fun... just getting away from work and stress and grown-up life and feeling like teenagers again. We're planning a trip to New York this year.

Men have come and gone in my life... My friends are always there, though. There's nothing like good friends.