Daughter wanting a father's love

I need to vent. This will probably be kinda long. I just really need to get this out.

I'm an only child. My mom and I were very close and my dad was just around to do the "fun stuff" like air shows and stuff. Mom always did all the disciplining etc. Mom died when I was 20, and then I feel into my alcoholism. I was constantly broke then, because I could never hold a job. I'd ask for money here and there, I'll admit it, I was a big time moocher. I felt "entititled".

Then I got sober and got my life on track and was completely self supporting until my diagnosis of MS almost a year ago. Grandma has been supporting me while I wait on disability. I'm forever in search of some sort of part-time work that will allow for my fits of exaustion, and allow me to take Grandma to all her appointments, etc.

Anyway, long story short, I had to ask my dad for help with money yesterday. I had some unexpected expenses come up, and was going to loose my internet. So I emailed him and asked for help. He's going to help but I have to pay him back when I get my tax refund.

He's always telling me to ask for help when I need it, but then when I least expect it, he goes off on me. The email last night said he's help me and then continued to say that "i know you're hurting but you need to get off your *** and get a job"....."quit mooching off of grandma"......."why haven't you pushed the disability people?"

He's seen me maybe 5 times in the last year. He doesn't know what my days are like. He doesn't see the exaustion, the pain, the weakness, the emotional ups and downs, the anxiety attacks I'm now getting. He doesn't know about my struggles trying to get on AD's. He doesn't know %#@&#! and he's throwing guilt in to the help he offers.

I forget that this is what he does....he makes me think he's going to be a father and then he does this....every time. I need to accept that he'll never be proud of me.

I'm just so sad today......so so sad. Chewin away on my nicotine gum. Its day 3. I can't believe I haven't run out and gotten smokes over this. BF was great last night, let me sob on the phone, and told me he's here for me now.

Anyway.....who else has issues with not getting a father's love? I know it could be so much worse, and I know I need to be grateful to have a father who is willing to help, I know there are much worse situations I could be in, but I'm hurting.

Words?

Rayna

(((((((((((rayna)))))))))) i feel your pain. I feel the same thing about my dad and my mom even painfully.

(((( esthervsvirtue )))) at least we're not alone in our sadness......thank you for sharing your pain.

(((((((((((((((((Raynaadi)))))))))))))))

sorry you are getting this reaction from your dad,
congratulations for not running out to buy smokes

That's one of the really sucky things about MS. People look at you, and think - heck she doesn't look sick! But they have no idea what you are going through physically and emotionally. I'm really sorry he is so thoughtless! He needs to educate himself on the topic.

Take care, em

(((((((((((((RAYNA))))))))))))
I am sorry that your father felt the need to make you feel inferior with his remarks. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need help from your family, you are not mooching off of your grandmother, you are needy right now for her financial assistance, and you also spend a lot of time with your grandmother running errands and helping your grandmother in other areas. I feel that the money is deserved because you work for the money by helping your grandmother, and there is no reason to have to feel guilty for letting your grandmother help you out when it is needed. Take care and good day. Soidhonia

((((((((((((((such a big hug to you))))))))))))))))

oh ray i know how you feel. my dad lost some small change down the side of my chair when i was skint broke and desperate and actually came back to fetch it, knowing i was in financial trouble. i had two babies at the time. he only calls when he has news of a family death or wants something.l never had his love or was told he loved me.

he spends all his time with my step sister and her kids, i am an only child, his own flesh and blood, no help, just put me downs and guilt trips.
for the first time in my life at the moment i am putting him to the back of my mind and keeping him out of my life.
you are right to ask for help when you need it, you are not sponging from granma, she loves you and you support each other, he seems very selfish and doesn't understand you or know you very well. i hear and feel for you, it hurts.
my dad knows diddly squat about my kids or me, but i have my own family and rely on them and get love from my kids. you have a loyal and understanding granma and b/f and i give them both a hug for supporting you. and it goes without saying how many people love you in here too.

pm anytime, love you sweetie, kerry xoxoxoxoxo

((((((((((((((( rayna )))))))))))))))))

Your father was in the wrong. He was in the wrong because he's not plugged into a child in need. I'm so sorry.

I have two grown daughters and the youngest was just starting her new life...strong and independent, then BOOM. You know the story... I could limit myself to my daughter, demanding she can do more than she can, etc., if I chose not to see how in need she really is. Your father is choosing not to see what he simply doesn't want to see, OR can't see. I don't want to diss him. I don't know him. It could be that he's not seeing it because so much is going on in his own life that he can't...I just don't know.

Can you do what you can to help him see? Then you'll know that you did all you could as the adult child? A long letter would be a great place to start...no argument, words going back and forth, defensiveness, etc. Had I known where my father was, I would have sent a letter...Lord only knows I wrote many...

I can say that my daughter gets really ticked at her daddy because he "just don't get it". I explain to her that *some* men respond differently to problems and crisis...those they can't find solution for and fix, they tend to "set aside" and not "see". Her father is solution oriented. If he can't see a solution to something, he works around it as much as he can. Of course, with alot of medical, mental and emotional problems he can't see a solution. He either gives the short, "buck up; it's not that bad." or doesn't respond at all other than a hug or pat.

I know you're pain with your dad. You're not alone.

KD

my mom was the one not supportive of me. my dad has always been supportive of my disability and would help me if I needed it and has in the past. I do understand the feeling. it is hard but alot of other people think I should be able to go back to work and I wish I could. hang in hon.

I share your feelings about your dad. My mom has always been the supportive, present one. Most ppl think my parents are divorced or dont live together cuz u never see my dad. When it comes to my mental health, my father jus plain out does not get involved, or if he says something, it just hurts to see how disconnected to his children he sounds. Most times he cant get my age rite or my bday.

I once said to my ther, if you took away the money from my father, i dont think he could be a father anymore. Unlike yours he never complians when it comes to fundin me, its like he's happy to do it, cuz it prevents him from havin to get involved otherwise.

I have come to accept my dad for who is, Ive realized its not about me but he generally likes to be socially isolated. Spends hours in his room and avoids ppl at all costs. Im not happy about it and it has caused alot of pain and turmoil, because I seek out the fatherly love from the wrong ppl. But there's nothing I can do to change it, I have resigned myself to being an adult and never having a positive man in my life. Wish I had some positive advice for you but all I can do is empathize

Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies. I'm not thinking about it as much....but when I do think about him, I get sad again. There's been another new development since I last posted. I got a letter from the IRS saying that my tax refund is going directly to an old school loan. So I'm sending back the check my dad gave me. I won't be able to pay him back now, and I just can't explain that I'm not getting my tax refund. Its not worth further ridicule. So....not sure whats gonna happen without that money, but anything's better then getting more flack from him.

(((((Raynaadi)))))
i'm sorry your father is being like this
i [sort of] know how you feel, except my dad has no contact whatsoever with me, or my brother or sister, anymore

-steph
xxx