[H3rmit]

My marriage is in shreds. My husband has been rejecting me. Short version: he wants out, so paints me as the bad guy so he doesn't feel guilty.And he's very fragile - another reason to push me aside. Fragile in that he can't/won't face emotions. I believe in facing stuff.

We have been on a separation for many months, and soon I will go back, get my stuff out of our apartment, end the month to month rental contract, and probably take him to court because he isn't going to keep his promises of paying me back.

Oh, and by the way I'm looking for a job - a job in a new field (recent degree) at age 55. Apart from my white hair, I look younger than my age. (Why do I always type "shite hair" and then have to correct it? We must take what humour we can in this world.) And I'm living in a friend's basement, 5 hours' drive from my husband. Seen him once, for a week last month, since last year. I let him call all the shots, and that ruined us. Probably because subconsciously that's what he wanted.

When I think of my marriage being over and going on alone, inside screaming and crying start to propogate. For me, marriage was a one-time and permanent thing. I accepted his faults. I gave and gave... and he took and took, and the minute I needed, he turned on me. Blaming me for my fault that he put up with all those years but suddenly because he didn't depend on me anymore, suddenly it was unacceptable. That ain't gonna look good in front of the judge. I just hope I can get a court order for paying what I am owed. I have it in writing from him, but just in email.

So... it's a very tough time. Lately I feel like I hit a wall and I can't face doing much the past few days. Everyone says I'm pushing hard and need to go easy on myself, and maybe that's somewhat true. However, I tend to feel I need to push harder.

I feel lost in the middle of nowhere. Please help me if you can, understand what to do and how to get through this terrible chaos and sorrow. <- this does not capture my level of despair!

[Hairball]

This helped me a ton DivorceCare - Divorce Recovery Support Groups - DivorceCare

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Hairball

This helped me a ton DivorceCare - Divorce Recovery Support Groups - DivorceCare

There are no groups in my province. Also, I'm an atheist, so a Christian group doesn't work for me. Also, there are no divorce groups at all in my area. I have looked.

H3rmit, I have not been through what you are going through but know what helped my sister was having solid supportive friends she could confide in, and also relax with.

She was devastated when her husband walked out on her (they had a young child too), and the adjustment was very hard it's true, even though he had been an abusive partner she still wanted her marriage to work too.

These days she feels it was the right thing, she has another partner (who is not abusive), I dread to think what she would be like now if that marriage had lasted. You say it was give, give, give from you and take, take, take from him - he isn't keeping is promises paying you back, don't you think you are worth far better than this?

Take care, practice TLC to yourself, and surround yourself with as many positive people as you can.

Hang in there and I am thinking of you.

My suggestions are going to therapy weekly to help you cope, seeing a doctor if you are depressed (or seeing your pdoc for possible tweaking of your meds if you already see a pdoc), and have a competent lawyer. Any family/friends support is helpful, too. If you embrace religion, keep your faith. You will get through this.

Regarding kids, keep the kids out of the drama and don't bad talk to them about your spouse. Children are very resilient. They will adjust just fine if they aren't pulled into the drama. My therapist used to be a court-ordered divorce mediator and told me that for kids being affected...it's not the divorce itself, it's how the divorce is handled. He also said as for the couple, if the marriage is struggling and marital counseling fails ... think hard about staying married. Then make that decision ... stay in or get out. Or if your spouse wants out, then accept the cold hard fact, get a lawyer and get out.

Don't divorce through mediation ... a mediator and just the spouses without legal representation. You want divorce in a courtroom with a divorce lawyer. (I'm a lawyer and even hired my own for my divorce.)

Don't argue over who gets the lamp or the kitchen plates - I skipped that, let him have the stuff. (My ex even kept my wedding dress, lol). Not worth the time, the legal fees, and it's just stuff. Things that you owned prior to the marriage are yours, as are gifts given to you, including wedding/engagement ring.

I recommend that you do NOT drink alcohol to self-medicate, I had a brutal, four and 1/2 year divorce (no separation) and drank alcohol to relieve stress. It ended up making my anxiety worse. Get some exercise ... I wish I'd gone that route. Also, four years is an insanely long time to get divorced...most are over with much quicker. I didn't want to stress you out about that.

Lastly, it WILL get better. It will. And when the divorce is final, it's a big relief. I was in a 20-year marriage and never anticipated divorce. I am happy despite being divorced and going through all that pain. I really am happy.

I hope that helps. I tried to include everything I could think of...lastly, there IS love after marriage. I've been in a loving relationship for six years now to a wonderful man. Take care, you can do this.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

You say it was give, give, give from you and take, take, take from him - he isn't keeping is promises paying you back, don't you think you are worth far better than this?

He gave what he could, but he is younger than me, and now his capabilities have increased and mine have not, he is not giving me my quid pro quo.

He was my only love. I am not a typical person, and no one else ever wanted me. No one ever will.

I don;t believe anyone " deserves" anything. That's not my frame of reference.

It is quite likely the court will order him to repay what he owes you. Just hold onto the E-mail hard copy.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

It is quite likely the court will order him to repay what he owes you. Just hold onto the E-mail hard copy.

Oh, I will not lose the emails. He said he owes me. But then it gets complicated. He paid me for something else and then tried to say it was for part of the debt.

He has been acting insane - see my previous post on his schizo side - but when I just describe his actions he seems like quite the horrible abusive monster, not someone I could ever again be friends wtih.