[Frejia_Reinhart]

Hi there, I've been kind of (understatement) going nuts for the past few months. Sorry if this gets long.. Figured it's best to give what info I can to give people a better idea of what's up.. And to kind of vent, I guess. x_x

Normally my PMS used to be fairly mild. Mild cramps and only occasionally a bit more sad or grumpy. Rarely over the top and I never really had food cravings or bloating. Only sometimes would the cramps get really bad. That was about three or four years ago, I'm now 23.

But last year in April I noticed for the first time that mood wise, my PMS was so severe. Back then I was dating a girl (I'm lesbian) long distance and our relationship had just started and was going great, didn't have a single issue. But then in a split instant, I went from loving her and being attracted to her to borderline feeling nothing - no love, no attraction and it was almost as if I didn't recognize her. I didn't realize my period was coming up and I had never experienced this before, so I panicked and had severe anxiety along with the unusual more or less detached emotions. It terrified me so badly. I started researching stuff about weird mood flips like that and came across info about PMDD and women dealing with the exact same stuff towards their partners.. Except I wasn't so much crabby and snappy.. More so detached and confused and not feeling as I normally would and upset.

And sure enough, I eventually started to bleed and the mood issues slowly eased off. Even after I was done bleeding, though, I was still feeling a little oddly and worried about whether I'd go back to normal entirely. But I have always been a bit of an anxious person with depressive tendencies. So I figured it was just taking me time to settle back down after the scare and all the anxiety and mood problems. The next month the mood issues came back, but less severe with each passing month. We eventually broke up though it was because I found out she was a sneak and a liar, but that's a different story and doesn't matter.

For months and months after that, I never noticed any weird changes in my period except for how on one month I skipped my period and the next period or two I only bled for two days. But there were no unusual moods like before. But then again, it had only been truly noticeable when I had been in that last relationship since I had such a severe mood shift that literally flipped like a switch so suddenly. Some months pass by and I met another girl and we became good friends and started dating a few months later (December 2015).

Said girl and I have been hitting it off amazingly and though this relationship is also long distance, it has been the most satisfying relationship I have ever had. We talk every day and have Skype cam calls before bed. In all the crushes I've had or girlfriends I've had whether in high school or long distance, she has been the only one to make me have butterflies from so much as simply smiling. Our relationship has been incredible and has lifted me up higher than I've been in a long time (I used to struggle with depression more constantly in the past and even now some of the effects still seem to linger).

But then in January this year, the PMDD issue struck again suddenly when she and I were in mid call. We were laughing and happy and suddenly I felt a shift in my head and all the love and attraction from her suddenly seemed to vanish in that instant. It scared me, because since I hadn't had the issue in so long, I thought that I had gotten better and that it went away or something. It upset me greatly that the PMDD came back, but again, once I bled the mood issues gradually lightened. After the bleeding it was like before.. Took me some time to slowly feel at ease again. But then in February it happened again, just as severely. Even though I knew it had to do with my cycle, it still really upset me and made me anxious that even temporarily it would make me feel as though I didn't love her nor did I feel attracted to her. Then I started bleeding and I started to feel a bit better.. But then after that first day of bleeding, I suddenly had even worse issues with mood and anxiety. It startled me since normally it would ease off once I started bleeding and continued to ease off.

The torment of the fluctuating moods and anxiety continued the whole time I bled.. And even after. The anxiety was so intense, it started to even form irrational thoughts I would normally never even consider or worry about when in my right mind. It was forming worries and triggers left and right, anything that could possibly ruin my relationship with my lovely girlfriend. I would start to worry about whether I'd ever truly get better or if my weird cycle had tainted my feelings for her forever.. I worried about what if some day I decide to cheat on her? Despite firmly being anti-cheating and am a very loyal person, even through times of pain and hurt. I also worried about whether I could truly be able to handle a relationship with her due to her having a baby on the way (from a past relationship with a not so great guy). Despite how I had already come to terms with my fear about the matter - I love her immensely and even got comfortable to where I am excited to meet her baby once he's born). I'll even have dark thoughts that are definitely not me.. But I'd rather not discuss those.

But on top of all that, I suddenly developed the fear that I might suddenly turn straight and thus also ruin my relationship with her that way as well as feeding my fear of losing myself and losing control of who I am (as well as knowing that every girl she dated in the past left her for a man and I certainly don't plan to add to that list). Never have I questioned my sexuality.. Even as a young girl, I always preferred the attention from other girls. And my first big crush was when I was eleven.. I literally thought I had hearts coming out of my eyes like in the cartoons for this girl. And then it just escalated until it became more and more obvious to where I realized I'm a lesbian. I thought at first I was bisexual maybe.. But then in time I simply realized that I simply am a lesbian. I didn't have that mental, emotional and physical draw to men like I do women. Women simply felt right and even magical while men simply.. Didn't. Of course I can still tell when a man is handsome and is a great guy, but I simply don't have any draw to them. I was only drawn to women. I discovered this at sixteen and have never had a doubt since and was proud to be who I am. And I have had relationships with women both online and in person and definitely know for sure that I love being with women and wouldn't have it any other way. But the fear of suddenly becoming straight literally spawned from the purely innocent acknowledgement that a guy was a handsome young man. Like a complimentary thought one tends to have if they pass by someone or something. Just like "oh she's pretty, he's handsome, they have pretty eyes, their hair is gorgeous" and so on. Just a simple thought, nothing more - no intent or desire behind it. Just.. A thought with no real meaning besides it being almost like a silent compliment to the person. But my anxiety took it and ran with it, blowing it up into almost like some conspiracy that I might suddenly turn straight and ruin the relationship with my girlfriend because of it. Despite me knowing that I don't like men and don't want to be with a man, the anxiety and illogical thoughts keep throwing what ifs in my face over and over anyways.

Only when I started having these weird PMDD moods have I had such bizarre and irrational thoughts. When I'm not dealing with it and have time to settle down and regain my clarity, I can see how it is all so silly and have total confidence again.. But once back in it, it's as if that clarity never existed and the weird moods and obsessive irrational thoughts will eat me alive. It gets so bad that I cannot even bring myself to do anything productive nor find any decent distractions. It has formed triggers everywhere. Whether I see a man, my mind worries I'll become straight. If I see a woman, I either worry I'll no longer be attracted to women or that I will still be attracted to women but will end up becoming an a-hole and cheating on my girlfriend. Because all the PMDD stuff, when I'm not feeling super drawn to my girlfriend like usual, I'll either worry that I won't be able to love her like I used to because the symptoms broke me or something or that I suddenly became straight and that that is supposedly the reason I'm not as drawn to her. I can even literally be insanely attracted to her and lovey and playful one moment and in an instant the anxiety and irrationality will come out and will STILL fret about the possibility of me becoming straight. Despite being fine moments before.

It's so irrational and I know it, but the thoughts are obsessive and can last all day long. Why, even last year I was dealing with the anxiety and irrational thoughts and was even worrying if I somehow got pregnant. Despite being a lesbian, virgin, I don't drink, do drugs nor party and have had no chances for "oops" events while under the influence or something. So unless I was the next Virgin Mary or Jane the Virgin (I think?), then that was pretty damn impossible. But I still would get anxious and obssessive about it anyways.. I would avoid anything and everything that happened to show or mention a pregnant woman as to not trigger myself into sickening panic.

But that's how bad it is. Even if I take .5mg of Xanax, I can still feel the thoughts trying to surface. I started taking Wellbutrin XL about eleven days ago as well as magnesium, b-complex vitamins, vitamin-d3 (2000iu, I think) and a women's multivitamin, but it hasn't had enough time in my system to do much. I'm currently dealing with the PMDD right now is why I decided to finally vent about it somewhere.. I have yet to bleed, though, and I'm worried it's going to do what it did last month and not lighten up like it used to. It's driving me insane.. All the ridiculous triggers and trying to either talk them down (and failing) or dodging them (and failing, but sometimes succeeding.. for a bit).. All the daily mood swings (at the end of last month I could go through tons of intense mood swings in just a few hours.. all day.. every day).. The intense anxiety.. All the irrational thoughts.. Sudden bouts of depression and the feeling of defeat at the hands of my anxiety.. Hopelessness about everything, my relationship, my life, me.. even sometimes wishing I would just die (don't worry, I would never do anything to actually risk my well-being nor hurt the hearts of my loved ones). It's just miserable and I hate feeling like I'm spiraling out of control and fearing that I'll both lose and hurt my girlfriend. She's incredible and so supportive despite all the mental and emotional issues I've been having since the PMDD started again. I just want to go back to feeling like me again, confident about who I am and living happily with the woman I love as we move into the future together.

Another point I wish to bring up, though.. I noticed that all my PMDD issues that I have noticed have been all roughly around the same part of the years.. A range from winter to early spring.. In 2015 I had first noticed it greatly in April or late March that gradually grew less severe with the months after.. Though I recall January and February I had been a bit more depressed and responded more intensely to stressful situations with a friend back then and even had anxiety attacks and emotional break downs.. Which I rarely ever had happen to me, let alone in front of another person. In 2016, my PMDD struck in January, then February and now March.. And though I hadn't noticed anything connected to my period that I recall, in 2014, around March and April, I also noticed feeling more depressed and stressed out.. Just not as severe as later years.

Isn't there also menstrual exacerbation of underlying disorders? The timing on all the instances seem a bit odd to me. Could this possibly be seasonal affective disorder (SAD)? I read that that could intensify PMS and PMDD, as well, and that it usually starts in fall or winter and lightens in spring and summer (unless it's the summer sadness variation). And in my case, I have noticed that it all seemed to start (or at least got very bad) around (or was most memorable) in either later in winter or right before spring.. And in 2015's instance got less severe with each month after that as it got further into spring and summer and such. Odd coincidence?

I am probably much more vulnerable to all sorts of things, really.. Both my jobs worked through the day and into the night and I rarely got out to get some sun. And then when I was deeper in depression, I never felt any desire to go anywhere.. Even less sun as well as putting on weight due to inactivity. Still am rather inactive since my motivation is still shot and the anxiety kills my mood and willpower to get out.. I rarely eat. Low appetite and being careful with food (I had some bizarre mystery gastro intestinal problem that made it extremely painful to eat a lot of various foods). And what I ate was stuff of little nutritional value.. So I am surely deficient in many important nutrients.. So mood disorders and menstrual issues would not surprise me.. as well as other things, probably.

But what do you ladies think? Possibly SAD intensifying PMDD? Or some other mood disorder? I feel like PMDD is definitely involved, either way, but it's really whacky that the symptoms were still so intense even during and after bleeding all the way up to PMS'ing again for this month's period while the other times didn't..

So yes. Opinions? Tips on how to cope with anxiety and irrational thoughts? Suggestions on useful techniques to decrease symptoms? Would it be better to discuss this with my doctor again or would it be better to speak with an OBGYN? Even chatter about others' personal experiences with PMS/PMDD would be welcome and appreciated. I don't really have anyone to talk to that understands what it's all like.. so it would truly help to be able to chat to other women with it. Less lonely, less terrifying..

Also, sorry again for the wall of text (omg I just looked at it again and it's so wordy..). If anyone reads all of this, I truly applaud you. >-<

[Calypso2632]

I don't have any experience with pmdd, but I would encourage you to go see maybe an obgyn. All this must be very distressing and they may open up options for therapy or medications to help ease some of your symptoms. I wish you the best in this.