Sex / Rejection / Sad

i have been feeling like this in my marriage...
been married for 3 years...i felt like i have always had to initiate sex...i felt so not loved by him...at times i thought that maybe he was still in love with his ex, or that i just wasn't his type...the tall and slim type as he has spoke about so much before...this has completed destroyed my confidence...i masturbate many times so i can get so tired and pass out and fall asleep...i would wait and wait until he finally wants to do it and then i would feel so gross and weird when we do it because i would be thinking that he was doing it just as a duty...not because he really wanted me...
i have asked him if he wants a girlfriend on the side...but of course he said no...i don't know what to do...i don't know if I am addicted to sex or what...
i have talked about this many times with him...but things are the same as before, i can't talk about it anymore than i have already...
i have tried to get drunk, or taken sleeping pills so i can fall sleep without thinking about sex or touching him in bed...
i don't know what to do anymore.

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meander said:
Maybe next time, if he does say no again, you could ask him just to hold you for a while or something, just to make you feel a bit better about life in general? That way you'd get something for the emotional closeness at least, and it sounds like that's just as important to you as the actual sex.

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That part I have been working on and it 50-50 - some times I can let him hold me and other times I sulk so much that I become angry at him (or) the anger leaves me sulking - not for sure which came first...... the sulk or the anger.
... my sulking time has greatly decreased over the years.

Guess I just hate being told NO - for it seems life a rejection of me (our love) made by him...... yet he does not like being told NO by me, and I rarely ever do say no for by the time he is finally ready I am starving, therefore, no is not an option for me at that moment.

I just want equal time in the old give and take game....... not 50-50 at all the times, and just knowing that it will equal out at the end of the month and not at the end of each year will leave feeling content and happy.

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

Oh Girl - I feel your inner PAIN, for it mine and it once controlled me something awful.

Hang in there and maybe together we can solve this issue - but first we have to let go of the intrusive thoughts that we have over why he does not want to have sex with us, for some of them are lies that we are telling our self and they will only keep us from the man we love from the man we want to be with.

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I HATE to admit this (out loud)...... but I think my sadness in this area is only compounded by the inner thoughts I have that he, my husband, does not really love me any more or that he would prefer some one younger & sexier than I am, hence why I get so hurt when rejected over sex.

These FEARS are not unfounded, for I once had to compete with what his eyes saw then lusted over in his mind and in the end fulfilled with his body - for ten long years - now I cannot seem to escape the wound / doubts those years placed in me.

I HATE than someone I was supposed to be able to TRUST did this do me, created such a horror in me.
... and yes, I know this was more about him and his issue and not me, but it still hurts.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here is a poem I wrote on the issue of this in my life.

WHY SHE CRIES.................... ?

She so NEEDS to be found BEAUTIFUL in the EYES of her LOVE -

When the two become one inter twined together in passion a high chemical release erupts an emotion within her that forms the most BEAUTIFUL feeling she has ever experienced. She longs for her Physical Beauty to go unmatched by the Inner emotional Beauty she has been given by her LOVER.

Yet she FEARS - for but once again deep despair has gripped her heart her soul, for she now believes she will never compare to the fair maidens that catch his eyes, taking with them a fraction of his desire with each look.

Lost and Left she feels as though they will replace her, for they give to him something she no longer can... Beauty - Sensual Pleasure - Affirmation.

Real or not she believes it to be, thinks it to be about the LOOK - a look that is no longer hers to have. Womanhood has failed her in the EYES of her LOVER – He is MAN.

Rhapsody –

My feelings from the past, wounds that are becoming ever so small with time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


I so desperately want to conquer these feelings that have me bound to FEAR.

....... but how?

((((( Rhap ))))))

I wish I knew how......my ex, who was first love back in high school, who came back to me after years and we fell back in love......he put those fears in me. He'd make "oof" sounds when a hot girl came on tv. He'd leave for work, and I'd turn the tv on and find a porn dvd in the player, or the tv turned to the hispanic channel with the volume all the way down (the hispanic channel always had scantily clad women on). He lusted after the likes of Jessica Simpson and Salma Hayek. It doomed our relationship. I couldn't hang. Was never comfortable with my body around him. He was over sexed though, and it all made me hate sex. He never rejected me, but I was never comfortable because I didn't have the body he wanted. He said he didn't care, that he just liked looking at those women. But I couldn't handle it. I was never able to fix it. I understand how it feels....I wish I knew how you could fix it.

Rhap,

I love that thing you wrote, it's beautiful.

Yeah I kinda see more where you coming from. Do you think if your hubby was a bit more obvious about his love for you (telling you, buying you flowers and all the romance stuff) you'd feel better about the sex thing, since he was showing his love in other ways?

My bf's discovered recently that a sure way to make me feel a lot more secure about our relationship (I'm insecure quite often), is to hold my hand when we're in public together and whisper something sweet in my ear, like that he loves me or that I'm beautiful or something. OK, so it doesn't compensate for sex exactly, but if you work on the security thing, that might help the sex thing.

In addition, apparently men adore confidence in women in the bedroom, so if you're more secure in your relationship, it might (repeat: might- this is just an idea) make him feel in the mood more often.

Good luck anyway :-)

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meander said:
Do you think if your hubby was a bit more obvious about his love for you (telling you, buying you flowers and all the romance stuff) you'd feel better about the sex thing, since he was showing his love in other ways?

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Yeah - I know it would defiantly help - it has before...... then I wouldn't need ( or want) so much from him sexually for I would be receiving LoVE in other ways from my husband.

I just know when every thing else was once going wrong and falling apart around us in the past - we always had the LoVe and Security that Sex would give us, but now -

Oh - I have no problem with being confident in and out of the bedroom - it is being able to get him to be sexually willing when the mood hits me - lol.
.... we have always had a very satisfying and experimental sex life.

Experimental.....maybe you could try suprising him with something you haven't tried yet?

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Raynaadi said:
Experimental.....maybe you could try suprising him with something you haven't tried yet?

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Hmm -

Well after 21 years of marriage and 24 years being together in all - I am not sure there is any thing leftto do, except for a little BSMD or an Orgie..... and I am not really up to either one of them - Yuck! Nope. Nope.



......................................... Any Ideals?

Hmmm yeah.....true true.

I don't know.....maybe the approach to sex? Like in the middle of the evening watching tv instead of at night going to bed? Like a suprise kinda deal? I don't know....I've been thinking about doing that myself.....

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Raynaadi said:
maybe the approach to sex? Like in the middle of the evening watching tv instead of at night going to bed?

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Oh NO! and disturb his TV viewing after him working hard all day long (he would not have any of that) -

BTW - I like SEX any time of the day or hour......... it is not just for bed time any more -

I have learned that just going for it does seem to get better results than when I mention sex to him (and) in the middle of the night when he is half a sleep ....... in this case it is best not to ask for permission - lol.

I hear ya about the tv. My bf's job is VERY stressful, in fact I ask every now and then if he'd rather have the evening to himself. He always wants me over though, he likes just having me snuggling with him. But I know he winds down to the tv so I'm always leary of just initiating. I even asked him once what he would do if I just jumped him on the couch, and he said it would depend on how tired he was from the day. But there have been times when he's exhausted and I'll think its completely out of the question and then I'm taken by suprise and he's kissing me on the couch and before I know it we're in bed.

I guess I pretty much leave it up to him. His days are much more stressful than mine are. At first I was feeling really bummed out about it but I've just moved into more of the understanding phase with him. We're in contact througout the day and I know the kind of stressors he puts up with. (He's site director for a mental health agency.)

So I've quit trying to push the issue. I enjoy it even more now when we do have sex because its been building haha! Weekends are pretty much guaranteed. But during the week its iffy.

So yeah, at least we understand each other on the tv front!

I've never had this experience, and maybe I shouldn't post here since I'm now abstainent from sexual relationships for three years. In the past, however, I was always the on saying "no!" or giving excuses. I can say honestly, though, from having done so, that it was because I didn't feel love for the person.
Patty

I did that in the past too, especially with my last ex. And for me that was it. I never wanted it AT ALL because there wasn't that kind of love. So there came the excuses and the no's.

I don't think that's in in Rhapsody's case, or with my boyfriend either.

I think in this case its just a "not in the mood right now" not an "I don't love you don't touch me" kind of thing.

At least thats what I hope.

Though that thought has crossed my mind with bf, those old insecurities and my old behavior.

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Raynaadi said:
I don't think that's in in Rhapsody's case, or with my boyfriend either.

I think in this case its just a "not in the mood right now" not an "I don't love you don't touch me" kind of thing.

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You are correct in this case of the "No to Sex" thing - and I also think it is a little of male pride - needing to be in control kind of thing.

Hmmmm, yes that could definitely be part of it too. Thought men do say sometimes that they like it when women initiate? Hmmm, IDK!

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Raynaadi said:
Hmmmm, yes that could definitely be part of it too. Thought men do say sometimes that they like it when women initiate? Hmmm, IDK!

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Not so much control in the bedroom / with sex..... but rather control over all - with in thier life and emotions, sex just happens to fall in there some where.

I just wanted to thank every one for their support and to let you know that all is going well with me right now on this subject....... with hubby coming around and with me just deciding to GO FOR IT after reading the replies in this thread - I AM but once again SATISFIED --------- for now.

I know this problem will probably occur again (as it has off and on for the last few years) - but this time I know I have a friendly place to come to in my emotional time of need - THANKS!!!

(((( Rhapsody ))))

Whooo hoooo!!!! Happy for you hon!