I need experience strength and hope

I've been with my boyfriend now for 4 1/2 months. I've shared some of my issues in this relationship here and have been able to work through them just fine. Now I have another.

He has an extremely stressful job in the mental health field. He loves it for the most part, but he lets the stress of it get to him. He also doesn't take care of himself as far as sleep goes....refusing to even try to start getting to bed earlier. He goes to bed at around midnight, and sometimes manages to make it to work by 8, but usually he snoozes for awhile and makes it in between 8 and 9. Luckily its ok for him to not arrive right at 8, because he's a supervisor and often stays a little past 5.

So it seems like he's getting 8 hours but he's not because sleep gets broken up by snoozing. He's been exhausted this week. He also rarely eats lunch, so he doesn't eat anything until we eat AFTER our meeting.

Tuesday it got to the point where I just got so frustrated after I asked him in text how he was doing and he reaplied yet again "Freakin tired." I'm getting sick of hearing it because he doesn't do anything about getting more sleep. Its causing him to be extremely negative about just about everything and it was starting to wear on me. He felt bad about it and made an effort to be more himself Wednesday night after I said I missed him. Because I do miss him even though I see him every day. Its like he's a shell of himself, rarely laughing anymore and just about everything gets an expletive, even sports games.

He said the only thing that will make it better is a vacation, which he's taking the first week of September.

My frustration is this: If I were miserable because I was exhausted, I'd make an effort to get more sleep. I'd make myself eat lunch. I wouldn't like being so miserable so I'd do something about it. He doesn't.....he just lives with it....and I said I don't think I'd ever get used to it, he said I'd have to. That this is a routine with him with his job.

I don't think I should have to get used to this. I said I'd have to start keeping a distance when he gets like this because its too hard on me.

I guess for me, I live a solution based life today. When I've got something making me miserable, I take steps to correct it. I didn't get sober to be miserable. Its hard because he's coming up on 10 years of sobriety and I have two. (I know this isn't the alcohol forum, but I had to give some background) So because of the difference in our sober time, I feel like he shrugs me off when I tell him to stay positive....but that's what we do to stay sober....he seems to think that everyone with that amount of time just accepts being miserable. I hope I never get that way.

Anyway, the reason I brought this to the women's forum is because I need experience strength and hope and suggestions from other women who have boyfriend's or spouses who bring their work home with them (not literally, but just bringing the exaustion and stress home with them).

How does it affect your relationship? What did you do about it? In good times and bad......I know.....but my struggle is that for the first time since I fell in love with him, I'm questioning whether I can put up with this for the rest of my life. I really thought he was the man I was going to marry and live happily ever after and having these doubts about his moods because of work is freaking me out.

Sorry this is so long. I love him and I want to be able to manage this, if I can.

Help?

I sorta have advice...and sorta just letting you know i understand...

earlier...my boyfriend and I lived 10 hours apart and he was active in the Marine Corp...it was very hard especailly since he put in long hours (sometimes a 48 hour shift straight) and i couldnt see him and then we would sit on the phone not talking because he was so tired...but would do nothing about it...sometimes he didnt have a choice...this kept up for about three months....then i asked him one night after a long night of silence....Tell me one thing that is going on significantly in my life right now....and he couldnt, so i hung up with him and we spent a week apart from each other, and he then realized what he needed to do, if he didnt take care of himself, he didnt take care of a relationship and if he didnt take care of a relationship then i wouldnt be there. ...that really struck a cord with him...now we are together and he has school and he has work....and he keeps a close hold on how he keeps our relationship...but he does loose his sleep....and i cant tell you how many times i yell at him to do his homework and to get to work earlier....and when he gets angry at me for being angry....i look him sqaure in the eye and just calmly say...If i didnt love you I wouldnt care, I love you and therefore I want you to take care of yourself and in the end being able to take care of me (men are very simple..no offense to guys but we all have different thinking) See men see it as their job to protect us and make sure their family is taken care of ....they will end up doing everything at once and neglect themselves thinking they are doing whats best for their family....so if you turn it around (reverse pyschology) and say if you take care of yourself your taking care of me ...he might just listen....now my bf still does this stuff....but thats why i am here..thats how i balance everything...that is a womans job in a relationship (not trying to sound...womanizing or anything) but we balance things...we restore peace and love and all that jazz....while it his job to protect you and care for you, you have to restore balance....so you will never exactly get him to stop stop...but perhaps you can think of creative ways to get him to bed earlier....explain to him how its affecting you....and he will stray and stay up late again...and sometimes you just gotta honk the horn to get his attention again...but remember you love him...and that you are willing to do this as he is willing to help you through your troubled times and horrible moments....and if he is in one of those moods..sit him down...give him a massage....cook a favorite meal...and ask him...why do you feel like this...then tell him its ok to feel like that....and let him go through it...give it recogniztion and realize he needs to express his moments...just call him on it earlier if you can and try to ease him down peacefully.....i dont know if i helped and sorry if its so long...but i know how you feel...and i know it will eventually work out into a routine of some sorts and you will get through it. love and hugs, inny

Ray, I probably won't be much help here, but I can identify somewhat with your boyfriend's sleep habits. I have always been like that, postponing getting to bed at a reasonable hour, then rushing around the next morning, feeling tired. One thing I do is bring a lot of stress from my job home with me, and it sounds like he does this also. If he has a routine of exercise, like walking, after work, this is said to help with sleep, and also that one should not wait to exercise shortly before bed, but if done 4 or 5 hours beforehand, it will help. Also, I'm currently weaning off caffeine, and feeling much calmer. In the past, I have kept a cup of coffee with me at my teaching job all day long, just to keep going! (I teach middle school art.) But, then by the end of the day and coming home, I'm revved and stressed, well into the wee hours. Mentioning caffeine my sound trivial, as everyone loves it, including me, but it really IS the culprit in much of my nervousness and anxiety. Does he drink a lot of coffee?
Love
Patty

((( Inny ))) Thank you so much for sharing what you shared. You definitely made a lot of sense!! He sleeps a lot on weekends to make up for his lack of sleep during the week.

Last night he spent the night and fell asleep watching a movie. We're rarely intimate anymore....I can only hope its because he's always so tired, but I can't help but think he doesn't want me sexually anymore.

I woke up extremely early this morning, cat was howling. He'll sleep till noon.

((( Seeker ))) He doesn't drink a lot of caffeine actually. He's ADHD and blames everything on that. He says he can't get to sleep any earlier because of his "routine" that he has in the evening. "Has" to play a game of baseball on playstation and read his magazines.

I don't know much about ADHD. Every single problem I might have that I bring to him though, he blames on ADHD. Sounds like a really great back-up.....maybe I need to learn more about it.

He doesn't take anything for it. He went off meds a few years ago because they didn't do much to correct it.

I'm just feeling so torn. In the very beginning it was exciting and sexy and intimate and now it feels like we've been together 10 years. I think that's part of it for me. There's no newness anymore and I had told him we shouldn't let that die. Coupled with the fact that he's the first man to really please me in the bedroom and now we're down to once every couple weeks......I'm just TORN.

In my situation right now, I'm your b/f, rayna.

I know it's hard on my husband to deal with my moods and exhaustion then for him to say, "Babe, get to sleep" or "Babe, you're exhausted, please go lie down." To him, I "don't" and the cycle continues.

This is what he doesn't understand...

I can't lie down till I'm passing out because all the fears in my life right now that I have no answers for ATTACK me. It actually feels better to be sleep-deprived, and that doesn't feel good. He doesn't understand that so much is going through my mind that it's hard to concentrate, that eating hurts because the stress is affecting my digestive tract, etc. I'm too exhausted to even eat, so I do what I have to at home and the rest comes second until it becomes a "have to" because so much is going on ALL THE TIME.

I'm running to maintain until all the massive fears, concerns, upsets ease some. When they ease, I'll sleep and eat better as I always have done. But firstly, there's so much going on in real life, who need me truly, that I honest to God don't have time for self-care in its most basic form.

Is your b/f running, or is his schedule so tight that he has to pick and choose the basics (i.e. personal time over sleep, catching up on work over lunch)?

I know it has to be hard on you. It is on my husband because he has to bite the bullet from my detachment/moods and worry for me.

I wish I had answers hon. Maybe ask him if he's running if his schedule isn't showing you that he might be picking and choosing his needs because it's so hectic and demanding?

Love,

KD

(((( Kimmy )))))

Yes yes yes EXACTLY Kimmy. Wow. I know he has fears and anxiety's surrounding his job. So now I know that what he's doing is a coping mechanism for him. You helped me understand him so much!! I haven't wanted to fully bring it up with him because I didn't want him to feel bad and I didn't want to cause more stress. I wanted to be his rock but didn't know how because I didn't understand what was going on. He says this happens in cycles.....so what you described sounds just like what he's going through. I needed to know this, I needed to understand....and now I feel SO much better. (Maybe you can show hubby this thread....and see if it helps him better understand you as well....)

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
that eating hurts because the stress is affecting my digestive tract, etc. I'm too exhausted to even eat, so I do what I have to at home and the rest comes second until it becomes a "have to" because so much is going on ALL THE TIME.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> This is him to a TEE. I also have to remember that he's turning 40 in October and is really struggling with that.

This is why I need PC. I need people from the outside to look in and tell me whats going on. I need people to help me understand what I can't see for myself.

I really think I'm getting a better understanding....if only he could express these things to me, but maybe he doesn't quite see it enough to express it.

Thank you thank you thank you!!!! If he wasn't sleeping right now I'd run in and throw my arms around him!

(((((((((( rayna )))))))))))))) you're so caring...

you can explain what you think it is that you're figuring out and ask him if it "touches home". it may open the proverbial door...

i'm not one to talk about feelings, discuss what scares me, etc, here in real life. i think that has to do with my upbringing. anyhow, men *on average* don't discuss alot because they're more problem solvers and doers at their core.

sometimes they, or ppl like me...hehe, need a jerk to say (after you've opened the door and if he's been receptive but experience with me says that i have to be in the place to be receptive), "Look you're showing your stuff big time...you think you've tucked it away or are running successfully? you're no. time to stop and sit. i love you. i'll sit with you." ppl like me really think they're hiding much better than they actually are. if you put it out in the open in might help there...

let us know.

love ya!

KD

Yes I think the info I've gotten will be a good way to start a convo with him. I'll play by ear and see if there's a good time. So far though I'm handling things much better than I have been!

hon most men will not talk about things at all. and I know about the lack of intimacy as well. *sigh* I wish you all the best with the bf though hon

Rayna

You got good responses but I'll chime in to I find when I am very stressed I tend to go to bed late and I think it's because I know if I go to bed that means the next day is here. The later I go, the later I put off the next day - kinda mind game.

Now I'll put on my AA hat Does he have a sponsor? I've met people in the program with 2 years of sobriety that act alot more sober than someone with 10 years of sobriety. I read your posts and I know that you work your program well. If he isn't doing that as well it might be something for him to look at.

Hugs to you - Tranq

((( Bebop ))) Thanks hon, I think things will get better now that I have a much better understanding of things.

((( Tranquility ))) Yes.....I'm going to try and tred lightly with this one...he has a sponsor. He calls him once in a blue moon and they'll chat quickly when they see each other at a meeting. What I will say is that he has a TOTALLY different program than I do. I'm not saying better or worse or any of that....just way different. He hasn't had a sponsee in awhile, and just got one and so did I. I know when I'm sponsoring, things in my personal life go better because I'm thrown harder into my program. So we'll see how that goes. But yes....quantity does not always equal quality....not to say the quality of his program is bad, our programs just have very different qualities. I'm learning a lot about my own program in this relationship. And I'm very much learning to LOVE my program and my close friendships with a lot of people. So ah...yeah. That is definitely a factor. And thats all I should say on that.

I get ya

I have two sponsee's. One I rarely hear from anymore but I know she is doing well - she was a HUGE part of my recovery for a long time. She was 16 and became a daughter to me. My second sponsee was 15 and the last time I had spoken with her she called me to tell me she was "high". Anyhow, told her I couldn't talk to her like that and didn't hear from her again for 2 months until the other night. She is in a lock down facility in another state because she kept running away.

I miss having sponsee's it really does take alot of the focus off of ourselves

Tranq

Wow....how scary is that......my first one (that actually made it through the steps) began with me while she was in treatment. She entered treatment because of drugs but realized she was an alcoholic too, or so she thought she realized she was powerless. She disappeared and I heard from a mutual friend that she relapsed on alcohol and not drugs and was too ashamed to call me. I haven't heard anything about her since. The girl I'm working with now went through detox about a year ago and then went back to drugs and drinking with gusto and now she's back with just over 30 days. I've been working with her for a little over a week and she's on her fourth step. She even came to our group conscious today and she's joining a young people's committee. She's only 21.

It amazes me....I never even started drinking alcoholically until it was legal. I thought it would be ok to drink when I was legal....little did I know haha.

Anyway, this is so off topic, but its my thread so I guess its ok that I got us on the recovery topic hahaha. I find it hard sometimes to post about my issues without referring to my recovery because my recovery helps me through so much!!!

Rayna,

You have some great advice & lots of great input on helping you understand what your BF is going through. The only thing I will add after 32 years of marriage that is ending....is that all the understanding & tolerance in the world doesn't fix the fact that you are a problem solver. One that sees a problem & figures out what you have to do to fix it. If the other person ins't that way (because of ADD or whatever) you will always be the one solving the problems. I can honestly say that after 32 years, this gets so old that you run out of tolerance, understanding, patience, & whatever else it takes to just let things slide because the other person doesn't make any effort to change the things that are a problem.

It can't just be us all the time. What is important is to figure out what you want in a relationship. Maybe for now, this is good & you are fine with the relationship. Maybe even if you know that in the long run, you won't be able to live with the situation as I have described, you are willing for now to enjoy what you have. There is nothing wrong with that.

I noticed the things before I got married 32 years ago....just like you are noticing now. I even said something & let him know what I expected in a relationship....hoping that he would grow up (I mean geeze, he was only 23 & just out of college....just a kid). With that hope I went ahead & got married. Then the relationship continues.....you are independent enough to take care of yourself, your own career, your interests, so things aren't so bad.....then all of a sudden, you don't have the income & the independence you had & you are stuck being dependent on a person who doesn't handle life the way you need it to be handled. The small seeds that part of the initial relationship are growing bigger & bigger. The small things to start have become barriers to any kind of relationship. I came to a point where I either had to drop my values & ways I knew how to survive in life or leave.

I get the ADD excuses all the time now that he has been Dx'ed with that just a year ago, but my problem is that that is a problem that has to be handled. We all have disabilities we have to learn how to adapt to the world around us & if we are the ones doing all the adapting, where does their responsibility come in to share in the adapting?

These are thoughts I have been going through for 32 years & unfortunately, the outcome isn't going to be continuing in the same rut. It takes a long time when you are in a relationship to end up giving up on it, but there comes a time you don't want to give up what you know is right for tolerating something you know is wrong anymore. It's a much tougher decision 32 years down the road than it would have been to listen to my gut feelings at the beginning.....more lives are involved...including a daughter who is having some problems....probably because of the relationship she grew up around.

Hope you can put the pieces together in your mind for what you want now & for your future,
Debbie