Embarrassment vs shame

So this morning I had my mammogram.

The technician asked, "Have your ever had HRT" (I knew she meant hormone replacement therapy.)

"No."



Feeling really embarrassed I said, "Maybe I should have had HRT but thank goodness menopause is mostly over."

On the drive home, I couldn't help but think compulsively about her reaction (she was sweet just shocked); yet, I have come a long way in my recovery. It was a familiar feeling of embarrassment verses deep, dark humiliating shame about what I had done.

I have been feeling so peaceful about it lately that I needed to be reminded by reaction's like hers that it is important to keep this part of my past to myself. For example, I have chosen not to tell my employer about my disability (I thought it might effect the likelihood of obtaining the job). Though I know telling is an individual choice.

There are times when we can be caught off guard and our previous acts come to light. We can't undo them but maybe we can think about possible responses so that can deflect future questions without have to divulge the real reason.

At times people draw their own conclusions about scars and ask if it is from such and such... when it is plausible I will agree. This may not be the truth but the truth is none of their business. Other times I just get vague about it and respond with a 'I don't remember'.

It really is part of your past and remains so. Something to let go of and send the shame and embarrassment of on to a cloud to drift away so that peace can return.

I have scar tissue from surgery. Last winter, I got a call to return because of a mass/spot. I mention this because scar tissue discussions in the exam room matter because adjustments and stretching of the tissue and realizing the extent matters. My redo came back normal.
It's sensitive enough being exposed like that with a stranger and to have these reminders of things that seem like old memories just sucks.