A woman who only has male friends

It's a professional relationship but she's chatty and friendly when we are alone, and then when the "guys" come, I practically don't exist. I think I could say that I feel a bit used, like I'm only there to hold a conversation space until the "guys" or her "real-friends" come over.

Well that would be frustrating for you of course! Sorry you experienced that! I don't think it's any reflection of you and I would encourage you (if possible) to not take it personally. What may help you to feel better is to ease up on your own chats with her....perhaps dialing it back to civil professionalism since she is inconsistently friendly toward you.

Nobody would appreciate someone switching gears dramatically like that. It's odd but you'll likely never know why, right? If she were a non-work friend, I might recommend asking her about it but given that you work together, I would not advise that because it could go south and then you'd feel really uncomfortable at work.

I don't know if this helps? For what it's worth, you deserve lovely friends who are consistently friendly to you regardless of the setting

Thank you SilverTrees. This is a really good coping strategy. If I emotionally detach from her, the inconsistency wouldn't bother me anymore.

I believe so though I am not suggesting that's easy for you when you have previously enjoyed chats and friendliness with her. I had a female friend who was lovely to me 1:1 and fine when men were present. But if we were out socially with an all-female group she made snide little comments while I was speaking in what I could only interpret as an effort to undermine me. Who knows why people do what they do half the time? Sometimes I feel healthier when I spend less time on the why and simply focus on my own peace. That said, I think these threads and discussions can hopefully provide solace and catharsis when we are struggling with interpersonal issues

I don't consciously avoid making female friends but I think it happens naturally. In the past I have found most women I have known to be *****y, and gossipy. They were quick to judge and likely to speak about you behind your back. I did have a kind friend who was a woman once, but she is no longer around to talk with. Also it is awkward when everyone else has kids and you don't, and are not maternal. Women my age tend to talk about their partners and kids, of which I have neither.

I must say though that maybe on a subconscious level I avoid making friends with women because I am afraid I will be attracted to them, but I am not really aware of it. I just think men are easier to get on with. Some women I have met were very shallow and vain and the ones I know are not really interested in the things I am, e.g. politics and current affairs.

The fact that I have met a lot of women like that is maybe why I don't have any female friends, and I do think it's related to school bullying, the girls were the nasty ones and not the boys.

Thanks for sharing your truths Ennie and Romantic Rose. Great and unique perspectives from each of you. Do something nice for yourselves today, just because

Maybe she's had bad experiences with women in the past and is wary of getting close to them? It certainly isn't a reflection on you in any way, how people react to us is all about them and nothing to do with us. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it, it's her 'stuff'.

I know women like your friend. They are exhausting to be around because they tend to use women as place-holders until their real "guy" friends are available.

If you feel used, it's because your gut's warning you that you are being used as a place holder by her. It's unpleasant when we find out what we are to people we like, what our roles are in other people's lives.

Since its a work-friendship, I wouldn't worry too much or invest any emotional energy over this as it's just not worth it. It stinks that she's like that, but she sounds very superficial. She's not worth worrying over.

OK, if someone avoided me for any reason, the first thing I would come up with is, maybe it's them, maybe they are abnormal somehow. Not.

I would allow myself to feel hurt by being excluded. Then I would probably not be chitty chatty with that person if I'm just their second choice. Then I would rather read a book or something.

Finally I would accept they simply don't like me, but then they can't have my friendship when it is convenient for them either.

I am also one to go out alone all the time. I go where I want, when I want.

Count me among those who prefer guys as friends. Always have. Now, mind you, as I've gotten older, it is harder to make friends of any sort. A major part of my discomfort with women (in general) has to do with "lady talk". OMG, how it bores me! And squealing (like in greeting... really freaks me out). I've literally crawled under tables to get away from "lady talk". And yup, at gatherings, you'll find me hanging out with the guys.

In recent times, I have been in a living situation with 2 males and 2 females. One of the females can't fathom how I manage without women friends. I just have to shrug. I do like both the females very much, and this is kind of a new thing for me. Work in progess, lol.

As someone else mentioned, I also prefer nerds. I tend to like people in the middle. Not too macho, not too girly. My most recent best friend (a decade ago, he died) was a gay guy. We got on SO well! We were both creatives and had a shared thinking process that I'd never met anyone else with.

Well, that's my story. I may be a bit unusual, but I don't think I'm unbalanced.

Ennie, I can understand your feeling the way you do about your situation. I'd feel that way regardless of their gender. It's more about the behavior imo.

Thank you very much for sharing InnerZone! "LadyTalk"...I know exactly what you mean. Nothing against folks who enjoy such chats, but as I think RomanticRose also said, some of us have nothing to add to such chats. Weddings bore me as do the minutiae of pregnancy and childbirth. Now if someone wants to have a chat about the psychology of such life changes or societal pressures, I can certainly weigh in....but other than that I just don't have much to say. And I assume that is the same for many women who meet me. Unmarried, no desire to marry. No baby and no desire to have a baby. They aren't sure how to relate to me and that is okay!

I am sorry for your loss InnerZone. Your best friend sounded like a wonderful person. Universal speed to him! I had a great gay friend at one time but he moved to a new place far away for work and also got involved in a whirlwind romance and we lost touch. He was very sharp and funny and conversation with him was always stimulating. I miss him and continue to wish him well.

Thanks for adding your spark to the thread. At one point on the thread, I was starting to feel some bias that women with male friends are supposedly deficient in some way. Not from Ennie though I've run into that thinking before in the offline world. It's sad and very narrow-minded. But each to their own. Male pals, female pals, both, none....peace to all!

So true! Friendship of convenience is not a friendship at all.

Absolutely! I’ve ran into women who would stomp over other women and over friendships when they have a chance to impress a guy! I knew a girl who’d cancel on her girlfriends any time a guy would come along. And it wouldn’t even be a romantic connection. Just the fact that he wears pants makes him more valuable than women! How sad.

I don’t understand this. Perhaps centuries of conditioning that a woman only has value if approved by a man and women’s goal is to always please a man place a role in this. Sad. And sadly shallow and narrow minded view. It’s 2019. Time for a change. We are just humans.

I can’t stand small talk either. Regardless of gender. My husband laughs at me how much I hate small talk. Lol

I think the key is to find groups of people who share similar interests and outlooks.

I enjoy company of other artists with whom I can talk about art and also bookworms with whom I can talk about books, also people well travelled with whom I can discuss places we visited. It doesn’t matter men or women but my friends come from the same circles as me. For me the key is being selective in who I am friends with and it works very well for me. Perhaps I am too selective but life is too short to be friends with whoever but it doesn’t mean it must be specific gender.

I am very friendly with everyone, it’s in my nature but it doesn’t mean everyone is my friend. Nope. It takes more than that.

my very GOOD friends , and i consider them my brothers are men!! i hardly have friendships with women because it always end up that we fight, and etc...thats just my personal experience