weird question, possible trigger...

Well, what can I say -- I *do* write for a living.

I already knew and I've never considered you a freak, Candy. Even when we were on the outs, I loved YOU. I don't understand it, but I love YOU. I accept you for YOU, warts and all.

{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}

If you look up "labile mood" in the dictionary, you'll find my picture -- I've had this uncanny ability the last week or so literally to laugh and cry at the same time. (It's very unsettling!) But thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me about this. Your responses have made me cry, but out of gratitude for your compassion and understanding. I'm not sure I've earned it, but I appreciate it mightily.

((((((((((Tomi))))))) ((((((all)))))))))

I don't think anyone has to earn compassion... at least, I've never felt that way about those I give it to. IMO, they can loose it, though.

You have my compasion and my love. I just can't understand why you would want to hurt yourself, but hey, I haven't walked in your moccosins.

im not trying to start anything or attack you, but do you really think youre in charge of your own life if you still have to do things like cut yourself? i know it might not be suicidal but its not healthy either. And just changing where you cut doesnt take care of the problem. Equate it to a smoker. If you quit smoking but start something else, youre still addicted. I think that you should really try to find out why you do it instead of thinking about ways to cover it up. Sorry if that sounds a little presumptuous or anything.

Um, yeah -- I know why I do it, thank you. It may not be the perfect coping skill, but it is one that works for me for now, and I do know what underlies it. I am working on that in therapy. I made my own choice to go to therapy -- mom, dad, doctor or school guidance counselor didn't make me. In spite of my mental health issues, I quite succesfully hold down a full-time job, have healthy friendships and a decent quality of life.

So yes, I do think I'm in charge of my own life. Thanks.

(((( Candy )))))

I think most of us find our own ways to cope. Discussing it in therapy is the best thing to do. Leave it the professionals right?

Candybear,

I understand exactly where your at. I also cut. My family doctor knows, my therapist knows, and my pdoc knows and they have all seen the cuts on my arms. I've told my T about the cuts elsewhere. None of them has sent me anywhere else or suggested I go anywhere else. They will not send you to the hospital for that because it is NOT suicidal.

You are working on it in therapy and that is all you can do. I wouldn't even tell my GYN unless they ask. I would try to refrain from cutting in that area for some time before the appointment so all cuts are healed.

If you remember, you sent me a book a while back. We have a lot in common. Your not alone.

PM me anytiime.

Good Luck!

CB, I'm sure you've probably already had your gyn appointment. But I just wanted to chime in and say this. You know I have a history of cutting as well. I've never had urges to cut down there, but I can understand the urge, given your history.

Pls work toward talking to T about this. My bet is that it won't shock her(you're with a female T now, right? Not the male one you had before?). If she's worked with sa survivors, she's heard it before I'm very sure.

I just want to commend you for being brave enough to bring it up here. I am so sorry that you carry so much pain and shame surrounding something that should be rewarding and enjoyable.

Someone else ruined it for you, and they are the one who deserves to feel shame. What THEY did was wrong and "abnormal." Your response to it is only natural. I hate how our society defines mental illness and abnormality... victim-blaming is what it is. Those who perpetrate and abuse aren't considered the ones with the "illness," instead the ones dx'd are usually those of us who respond to abnormal, terrible circumstances that your average joe doesn't have to deal with... in perfectly understandable and natural ways. Yet because (thk G*d) it's not "normal" that people go through the things we've gone through... your average person doesn't know what severe PTSD is like. So therefore, the victims get the diagnosis and carry the shame. But really, we are suffering from the effects of someone else's illness, and it's THEIR shame we're baring. Just my opinion.

You are a strong woman who has been through hell and back. I know you can work through this, and though you can't ever be the same as you might have been minus the abuse... you're still a h*ll of a person and will only get better and more whole with time. I just know it.

SC

(((((((Angela))))))) thank you.

I do have a female T now, but you know what? I had way less problem talking about this with my male T. I'm sure there are a variety of reasons for that.

I don't see this T often enough to feel comfortable really diving deeply into this with her. I think I just need to give it up and try elsewhere. I'm in a weird place where I don't really need to go once or twice a week, but I do still have some things to work out. The every-other-week thing isn't working, because my hours are largely incompatible with hers, and we never really have anything to talk about unless work has triggered me somehow.

Blah. I dunno. Oh, and my appt. is at the end of Feb. I moved to a pretty rural area from the last time you were around regularly and it's harder to get into the limited health care resources that are available.