A husband and porn???

i dont think you should expect your husband to put your own needs over his own. altruistic relationships work the best and you expecting him to put his needs after yours is not altruistic. its the opposite.

and a lot of times, helpful comments are not what they want to hear. you can still be supportive and tell someone something they don't want to hear. support is helping them see all sides of the argument, not just spewing them things they want to hear.

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salukigirl said:
i dont think you should expect your husband to put your own needs over his own.
altruistic relationships work the best and you expecting him to put his needs after yours is not altruistic. its the opposite.

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I would have to say that marriages are seen in two ways these days........ some put their spouses needs over their own at times (and) some are selfish and do as they please - but it is never one size fits all.

its not the fact of who puts whos needs over the other. its that she was saying that its expected. and expecting your husband to put your needs over his own is putting your own needs first which is a double standard.

Saluki, porn is not a need. It's a want. Asking her husband to give up porn because it hurts her is not asking him to put her needs above his. It's asking him to put her needs above his wants, something that anyone in a relationship should do.

Second, it's not a double standard. I put my husband's needs first, and I expect him to do the same because we're MARRIED, and that;s what we both vowed to do. Putting his needs first DOES NOT mean that I have to be a doormat. It's my responsibility to speak up when something bothers me, and my right to expect him to care and want to help.

It is a red flag in ANY relationship when a person knowingly does something that is harmful to his partner for no reason other than his own wants.

Non-committed relationships (ie, just dating) are different. There are no vows to hold you in place. You are free to leave if something the other person does bothers you. This is not the case in marriage. You make a promise to each other to stick it out, and "just leaving" because a behavior bothers you is not always an option. Because of this, both the husband and wife are expected to do what is necessary to make it work. Giving up something unnecessary to keep from hurting your spouse is not only the best thing for the relationship, it is RIGHTFULLY EXPECTED of BOTH spouses.

It's not wrong or a double standard to expect that any person do what they promised to do.

are you saying that dating is not commited? listen, just because i dont put myself in "god's house" in a white dress does not mean im commited to my relationship. sacrifice is not needed for a successful relationship and if you think it is, maybe you shouldnt be IN a relationship.

being married does not make you more knowledgable or more wise than anyone dating. doesnt make you more commited, doesnt mean you wont cheat, doesnt mean you wont fight or hit or have horrible problems. in fact, it doesnt even mean that youre right for each other. im done with this thread. its not my fault that you wont look at it from another point of view. this thread has had so many logical fallacies, ive lost count.

if a mod is reading this right now, shut down this thread. its being controlled by people with specific points of view who will not allow any other views to be considered. this is just becoming rediculous. what the hell happened to open mindedness? maybe if people would stop to realize that their opinions of themselves might be a little skewed, things wouldnt be "problems" anymore.

if your husband likes porn better than you, GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP! thats my point. stop trying to change people because IT DOESNT WORK. they wont change unless they want to. and if you don't like them the way they are, then dont be with them. and if you realize that people change and their tastes change, then you wouldnt have any problems like that.

Porn may not seem like a need to you.

Neither is alcohol. Or drugs. Or tobacco. Or the internet. Or caffeine. Or chocolate. Or popcorn. Or gambling.

One can become addicted to any and all of the above. And once it becomes an addiction...the "choice" goes out the window.

No it doesn't excuse the behavior. But if you fail to realize how powerful an addiction can be...then you're missing the point.

thank you razz.

Razz, I wasn't talking about addiction. I was responding to someone who said that a husband shouldn't have to stop something that is hurting his wife.

I posted a link to a porn addiction information site. Porn addiction is as real as any other addiction, and should be treated as one. Saluki was basing her point on the assumption that it isn't an addiction, and I was saying that even if that's the case, the original poster has the right to ask him to stop if it really bothers her.

And Saluki, when I say committed relationship, I mean a relationship that is bound by law. That doesn't mean two people cannot be committed to each other outside of marriage, but the fact of the matter is that nothing is keeping them together if things get hard or unpleasant. You can walk away anytime. That's not the case in marriage.

I don't claim to know more about relationships than people who are dating. I do, however, know for a fact that no relationship can survive without compromise, and sometimes that compromise requires that one person sacrifice something that they want for the good of the other. If you can't understand that, then you are going to be very disappointed if/when you get married.

And it's childish to demand that a thread get closed down just because no one agrees with you. It's not being controlled. Not a single person has demanded that you not post. Not a single person has been insulting towards you. We disagree with your point, and we're explaining why. That's all.

if youre just going to deny words that you have said, and put words in my mouth, im done. its funny to watch someone so self-righteous do exactly what theyre complaining about. youre reflecting your own rationship on everyone when, in fact, thats not how everyone feels. don't say 'we' disagree. and believe me, you have been insulting to me. saying something in a nice tone or proper grammar does't mean its not ignorant and disrespectful.

I am going to be closing this thread in view that the op
has not posted since April 1 on this. Not due to someone
demanding it be closed. Let's all agree to disagree and
move on from here. We should not force our opinions on
others. No one is right or wrong in opinions. Please
let's not argue. If anyone needs to comment further please pm either myself or another mod or admin. thanks Elaine