How Do You Deal With Catty Women In The Workplace?

Hi All,

How do you deal with *****y women in the workplace? Recently, I have been experiencing a major problem with a former friend who is spreading rumors about me. The rumors and complaints have attracted the attention of our company's Human Resources Department.

I have been put on mandatory leave pending further investigation, but I feel that since this friend has more senority over me, I will probably be fired!

Anyway... looking back on all of this and my other work experiences at different companies, it seems like I have had problems with women in the workplace for many, many years.

I have never had problems with any of my male colleagues... it's all been entirely other women!!

I either encounter a female boss who starts nitpicking or I encounter female co-workers who are gossiping backstabbers.

Anyway... my question for you all is this:

What has been your experience in working with women bee-atches? And how did you deal with such toxic people?

I tend to stand up for myself, which I think brings further problems, but I don't know what other strategies to employ in dealing with such folks.

I have also tried being quiet as a mouse too and not interacting with these toxic folks, but then I get labeled as "stuck-up" or "not a team player" especially if these bee-atches see me having fun chit chatting away with others I like and trust.

Thinking about it all... (sigh) it just makes me wish I could hit the lottery or something.

Peppermint Patty

do you have a union that can stand by you?
tell your supervisor that you may be contacting the unemployment office and legal services about the mandatory leave

If I always had problems with certain types of people I'd see that as a red flag and would probably discuss it with my therapist.

What caused the breakup in your friendship; sounds like that might have something to do with all this? Most of my former friends and I were that way because we moved, changed jobs, drifted apart, etc. If there was a disagreement it generally stopped all interaction, didn't escalated into something hurtful like it sounds like you have.

Hi nothemama8,

No unfortunately, I am not a member of a union. I wish I was. The thing that gets me is why Human Resources is even spending time on this issue.

The original complaint by my former friend "Gail" was that I was trying to talk to her. All I would say is "Hi", "Good Morning" etc when I saw her in the file room.

I was only trying to be congenial... but "Gail" complained to Human Resources and they opened an investigation.

Well I had a meeting with HR on Thursday and it appears that now my friend is airing stuff that I told to her in strict confidence!

Here were the questions they asked:

1. Did you ever use the Internet inside of work or outside of work to look up the prices a person paid for on their house, etc?

Did you ever use the Internet either on the job or out to determine a person's age?

2. Did you ever talk about the medications your co-worker "Joan" was using and/or the status of her mental health?

My answer to both questions was "No", however my answers were not entirely truthful. Here are the real truths:

<font color="red">The real answer to Question 1:</font>

Yes... I have used my computer AT HOME to look up information on my
co-workers and friends. Here in the United States there are publicly accessible databases set up by state and county governments.

For example, you can look up how much somebody paid when they bought their house, how big it is, it's appraisal value, what it looks like, etc. All you need is a person's last name (you can also use a first name too, to narrow your search) when you visit these sites to find this information!!

You can also use websites like peopledata.com and find out a person's age or date of birth. Again... to use these databases, all you need is a last name and a first name to do a search.

Anyway.. I really don't see the harm in looking up this information AT HOME if it is publicly available!!!

IMHO rather than debating whether it is right or wrong for people to access these databases... the ethics and philosophical debate should be centered entirely on the matter of whether this information SHOULD EVEN BE publicly accessible or not!!!

<font color="red">The real answer to question 2:</font>

"Joan" likes to tell everyone in the office about her mental health and the meds she is taking for her mental health.

Most people (sensible people that is), would not divulge such personal information to others, but "Joan" is happy to tell the whole story!!

Anyway... again... I don't see the harm in talking about "Joan's" mental status or the medications she takes, if "Joan" has already made it public knowledge!!

(Note: "Joan" even warns everyone in the office when she goes off her mental health meds. LOL)

Anyway... the questions just seemed to reek of hypocrisy IMHO. I don't see any harm in talking about anything if it is public knowledge... the only thing I see here is a vindictive former friend trying to put me on trial any way she can.

If I am guilty of anything it was being this person's friend in the first place, but I don't see anything wrong with talking about things if they are in the public domain.

I can't believe the HR department would even ask these questions... what a crock of *****!

Peppermint Patty

Hi Perna,

Well, I will say that my friendships with women have been as a whole much more stormy than my friendships with men. My female friendships have also been incredibly short-lived too.

In the workplace and in friendships, I find that men are generally much easier going... if there's a conflict, it's easy to solve and nobody walks away nursing a grudge or a resentment or feeling like their low self esteem has been lowered even further.

(I think alot of other women have very low self esteem... fortunately I can't say that I am one of them)

I think it is easier to deal with men because as a whole they are much less emotional about things-- except when they are angry or frustrated by something.

Anyway... in addition to that, I find women who have nothing better to do than to talk about their hair, makeup, pedicures, manicures, boyfriends, husbands, diets, recipes, plastic surgeries, children, etc to be incredibly boring. I find myself listening to them thinking... "Gee don't you have any identity beyond that???"

Men just seem alot more interesting to me (much better looking too, lol), though I will have to admit that my eyes start to glaze over when they start going on and on about football, lol.

Anywho... I requested two books out of the library which hopefully will provide insight into why I have so much problems with other women-- particularly in the workplace.

I am not really concerned too much with my female friendships-- I have none of them at the moment (and I am not sure I could trust another female ever again considering what is happening to me now)... but I would like to improve my working relationships with other women.

Anyway the two books I requested from the library are:

Mean Girls Grow Up by Cheryl Dellasega
In The Company Of Women by Pat Heim & Susan Murphy

I am hoping these will provide some insight as to why I am the target of female bullies who use RA (relational aggression) as a weapon.

Peppermint Patty

Well we only had one catty woman at one place i worked at, and two staff members finally got her in trouble for all the iffy things she was doing and now shes outta there!

Hi Balishbun,

What were the iffy things that the catty woman did?

Peppermint Patty

PPatty, the reason she may be catty is women tend to gossip , men mostly gossip away from office, men also don't give alot of personal info just because we woman sometimes tend to gossip, HR ussually frowns on office gossip, ( more ppl lose jobs over Office Gossiping )

Don't usually post here, but have been there, done that, learned my lesson.

I worked in HR for over 20 years. I zero'd in on the fact that even if your friend "Joan" gossips about her own mental health, she has a leg to stand on if she can prove that you have been gossiping about it. In the workplace, someone can gossip about themselves all they want, but if someone else does it, it can cause some trouble.

I agree, women can be catty but I have learned over the years that extending professional "manners" even if the person doesn't respect their own privacy, helps.

Also, the questions your HR has asked you can be valid, but they don't have the right to ask if you did something outside of the workplace unless it's criminal...you might want to check with a lawyer on this. Sometimes they will talk to you on your first visit for free or perhaps there is a legal clinic in your town?

Anyway, good luck to you and keep us posted.

Hi Peppermint Patty,

I was reading your posts, and I had to register to respond to your question. I could have written those posts myself not too long ago.

So, a few thoughts for you about how to deal with women in the workplace.

The best way to cope with a difficult work environment, is to have something outside of work that you love. Find some sort of art or sport or social group -- something to provide some balance to the negativity that you encounter at your job.

I don't know about where you work, but after being betrayed several times by coworkers, I now adopt the rule of not sharing secrets with people I work with. If I tell one person, I try to imagine the whole office knowing. If it is something I don't want the whole office to know, I tell a friend I don't work with.

As for dealing with difficult women, try to find at least one thing about the woman you can like or admire. Maybe they are really good at their job, or they have kind eyes, or they keep their space clean...
Take time away from work to find these good qualities. Then, next time you talk to them, remember the good things. People instinctively like other people who like them. Whether we realize it or not, we broadcast our feelings through nonverbal cues. So, these women know you don't like them, but you have the ability to change that.

As for dealing with Human Resources -- document everything that happens. I would also recommend a free consultation with an attorney. The HR folks talk to their attorneys, and it is a good idea to protect yourself by gathering knowledge about your rights and the company responsibilities.

If the whole workplace is toxic to your health and well being, look for another job or consider other sources of income. No job is worth your happiness.

Take time to care for yourself through this. Maybe pedicures are silly girly things, but it feels great to relax for a while and have your feet rubbed.

Owl

I guess I'm a little blown away here, and maybe it's b/c of my youth and limited experience in the workplace - I'm 33 and have been working about 10-12 years.

First of all. . .my question would be if you don't believe you did anything wrong, why did you lie? And the second question would be why did you look up the info in the first place? I guess I'd define "catty" a variety of ways, and it seems like some of your own behavior toward your co worker is somewhat catty.

I think the most important thing is to come clean with someone. If they suspect you looked up the info, then it's b/c someone gave them reason to suspect. At that point, you were only a snoop. If they catch you in the lie, then you become a snoop and a liar. I don't imagine you're going to get out of that too easily.