Fear of commitment

Im not really sure how to deal with this or if this is even a fear of commitment or something else.

Heres a good example of the kind of thing Im talking about:

The other day I was at work and he went with some friends to a bar thats right next to where I work. Me and some other coworkers had ordered food from there (before I even knew he was there) and one of my coworkers had been left out some how. So later we were clocking out and were going to go to the bar so my other coworker could get some food from there. So I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to go somewhere else so he could hang out with his friends and he said no, he wanted me to come see him. But then later said he felt like I was checking up on him. I told him that that wasn't the case and after a while he apologized for getting mad at me.

But I just dont get it. Its like he'll have intimate conversations with me, tell me how much he cares etc.... and then once things seem to be going too well something comes up and he gets upset that Im "tracking him" or whatever. It just sounds like he's terrified of commitment. And when were together hes all for it but sometimes he just does a 180 and flips over nothing saying Im doing these things that im not doing. Sometimes hell be with his friends while Im at work or whatever and well still talk, text etc... But then other times hell be with his friends and get upset that Im trying to talk to him. So I guess I never know whether he wants to be left alone or what.

And he always sees that he freaked and apologizes for getting mad or flipping out but Id like to avoid these situations all together. And it seems like, whenever hes in one of those moods, no matter what I do the situation ends up the same so I don't know if there is a better way for me to approach him while he's like this or if its just how he is at that moment.

His last relationship was pretty messed up and she did some pretty horrible things to him. Theyre trying to be friends now but she still does some pretty back handed things and they rarely talk now. So I can understand why he would be afraid to put himself out there because I could turn around and do the same things to him. But I don't understand the switching back and forth. The wanting to be with me 24/7 one day and getting mad when I call him the next.

Im also opening this is to men who want to send me a PM if they know what he's feeling. I just don't want to make him feel like Im acting like his ex and I don't want to hurt him. I just don't know how to deal with him when he gets like this because Im not used to it. Anyone know what Im talking about? Sorry... my thoughts seem pretty scattered in this thread lol

I think this may be it - when he is in one of his mood you already know how it is going to turn out 99% of the time... so maybe you need to change how you deal/interact with him during these moment until he learns to change that which "he" wants to change.

TRUST seems to be very important to him right now as well... and some people feel as they they are not loved with out the trust.

I have reacted a couple different ways when he is in one those moods. One time I even told him that I knew that if I went to his house we would just end up yelling and I wanted to be by myself until the situation blew over and everyone was calm and he got even more mad because I wanted to avoid the situation all together. Its just really hard to tell how he will react to certain things. Because something will happen and he'll act one way and be affectionate etc... and take it lightly. But the same exact thing could happen and if hes irritable he'll flip his lid. Just feels like he has some bad mood swings and I havent learned how to deal with them yet.

And trust only comes with time. I know hes scared that Im just going to do to him the things his ex used to do but I don't know how to show him I wont without him just seeing over time that I wont.

Thanks for replying rhap.

Believe me I know exactly how you are feeling, as I used to post in threads about how I felt as though I was walking on egg shells when my husband was in one of his pms moods... and his moods can last for weeks on end some times.

(((hugs)))

thanks rhap. i think it kinda clicked though with him. the other day we fell asleep and ended up taking like an hour nap. i woke up and saw the time and said i was going home and i guess i woke him up wrong and he got in one of those moods and started going off on something stupid. so i told him i didnt deserve to be talked to that way and left. i didnt even make it home before he apologized over the phone and said he knows he does that to me sometimes. so i think he kinda saw that i wasnt going to just take it like i did the other times. which is partially my fault because i allowed it to happen. this time i just got up and left and he saw that what he did hurt my feelings and said that he understands that he goes off for no reason sometimes. so i guess all i can ask for right now is that he sees it. i saw that he didnt like how he acted and i think hes trying to work on it.

thanks again rhap.

Good for you for standing up for your self..... some times that it what it takes to get another to see that they need to change that which is wrong.

WOW ok 1st of all why is he chatting with his ex???? I would not be ok with that! If he still wants to be friends with her then he hasnt let go of their relationship. Its def looking that way if he's comparing you to her?!? You are not the same! Tell him that.... make it really clear. Guys are so stupid they need it spelled out for them....ask him how he'd feel if you and one of your ex BF were still talking or friends? Akward.... it seems like he doesnt know what he wants if one day he says he loves u and wants to hang out then the next he needs space. Babe I say get yourself a new man or tell him to let that other girl go and figure out what you want then call me!

i did ask him and he said that he knows it would make him uncomfortable. thats why he always tells me when hes talked to her etc... because he wants me to know whats going on. and they actually havent talked in a couple weeks. she did something a couple weeks ago that made him really mad so he gave up trying to be nice to her. hes not comparing me to her. hes been hurt by her and is afraid ill do the same thing which is understandable. i cant hold that against him. i sometimes overreact because i assume hes going to do something because an ex of mine has so how can I get mad at him for doing that? and since i brought it up to him and he apologized he hasnt acted that way anymore.

he is confused but not about whether he wants me or her. he wants me but is scared to get into a serious, commited relationship because of how he was burned last time. and its not the needing space thats the problem, its his way of communicating it and he sees that.

since ive gotten really insecure about them 2 still being friends he has opened up about how their relationship was and i see now that, after being through what he has, theres no way he wants her back. but that doesnt mean they cant be friends. thats why my ex and i broke up. we realized that we can be awesome friends, just not in a relationship. and i want him to have someone who knows all about him for him to count on y'know? until i get to that point where i know everything there is to know about him, i kinda expect him to still have an attachment and i dont see anything wrong in that. every time i have suspected something of going on i have been proven wrong so i trust him.

but thanks for your concern.

Most time we all get into a frame of mind someone needs to be fixed and we can change them with love and understanding I have learned over the years it does not work people are who they are and the warning signs are there I dont think he will change he has issues only he can work through you should do some long thinking is this who you could see spending your life with maybe have a family with if not then what is the point I would dump him and move on to someone that is ready to love you all the time and is in the same place you are. I wish you the best what ever you decide just remeber if you choose to stay dont complain because this is who he is and what you chose Marriage and kids dont make it better only worse. Rember LOVE SHOULD NEVER HURT. IF IT DOES IT IS NOT LOVE.

i dont agree that love should never hurt. people are human and make mistakes. and i know that a lot of guys are commitment-phobic. so i think a lot of it was "holy crap.... i love her" and then freaking out afterwards. It hasnt happened since the last time and its been a few weeks. I do the same things, mine just manifest in different ways.

trust me, Ive done the "fixing" thing before and wont do that again. And he finally opened up and told me all the things that have been on his mind lately making him crabby. Hes applying for grad schools in a few months, taking the GRE and trying to keep his grades up while working. And I think he also might be having some money troubles because he hasnt wanted to go out in a couple weeks which is odd. So once he spilled all of that he has been a lot better. I guess he had this superman complex and didnt want to ask for any help getting through all of this. But weve actually been better than ever since his little blow up. Gave us a chance to confront some things and we both feel a little better.

Plus he is really sweet. You guys arent getting the full story cause when i wrote this i was upset. But like the other day I went in my bathroom and he had written "I love you" on my mirror in make up lol. And one time I got in my car and I have a little notebook in there and i turned the page and there was a note in there from him. One time I came over right after work all smelly and gross and he had candles set up and a bath drawn for me with my favorite wine out. He really is a sweetheart and I know he cares about me. Its not worth giving up on for a couple minor fights that have since been resolved.