[bluemuse11]

I had the most idyllic job, working to help others w/mental illness see the possibilities in having hope and positive change in their lives... and then the dream ended with not a dull thud, but a show stopping crash. (still have the job, just not idyllic)
It became obvious that my intention versus the intention of the puppet masters were very different in the bottom line. My intention was to instill some helpful support, useful tools & daily reinforcement of being able to overcome obstacles through learning to be resilient & using positive coping skills along w/symptom management to enact changes to see a self-directed life worth living w/the clients I work with each day. These were just a few of the things I try to motivate the client's to work on daily... however, the ones that truly rule the world I work in have different intentions. They also would like some progress in the client's by have created such stressful environments for us (the employees), constantly changing our schedules (about every 2 to 3 months), reducing our time for paperwork but increasing our client bill-times & client ratios, I have no breaks, a 'working lunch' which prevents me from ever eating at all from the moment I get to work until I leave each day (which isn't good for one who has battled Anorexia), I often have to 'hear' about these changes through the grapevine - not even being included in the final decision for these changes that will greatly effect my wellness - thus, the wellness of my client's as my mood will be reflected in my work. There is more... but I am honestly, just too exhausted to even detail it all.
All I know is, I don't have time for ME and my wellness any longer. Due to the overwhelming amount of paperwork and reduction of paperwork time I often must complete my work at home, which could be up to 3 hours per night - and my family suffers the loss of having their mother who is typically the total caregiver. I don't have time for medical or therapeutic appointments any longer because I would have to take off of work to do that, and because of the 'turn around' time changes recently enacted on our 'quotas' for paperwork, I am forced to decide whether I want to be fired for not complying w/company policy & getting my work done in a timely manner (we all struggle with it, not just me) or do I just say, "screw it", and take sick days once a week to go to appointments - which would eat up all of my sick leave time quickly...? It is such a Catch-22... and it just feels very hopeless and dreadful. I hate it. I have tried to play 'catch-up' at work, but one of my biggest issues (and I discussed this issue w/my boss at my interview, so it's not a new issue) is that I don't perform those sorts of tasks well in a chaotic environment, but the 'new' time for paperwork is planted right in the midst of the most chaotic period of the day, with clients knocking on my door almost non-stop, phone ringing from other co-workers, just constant noise & interruption... so I have to stop what I'm doing because I do NOT work well under those conditions, not trying to type notes about a client and their progress.
My boss used to be 'approachable', but seems to be rather up & down a lot and that sort of triggers me in a way that makes me not fully trust being able to discuss honest feelings w/them at all. Employee reviews can be killers - and I need an income. My support system is very very small, only one person really and I don't always talk to them because I don't want to be the negative nancy all of the time - it gets old, I know... when you're not living it it's hard to listen to constantly unless it's for therapeutic purposes (I feel anyway).
I don't know how to get myself back on track, I have gotten more and more depressed... nothing feels good, there are no hobbies (or time for them even), I don't even own a TV to sit and just escape to decompress from all of the stress... I have horrid trauma related aquaphobia so a good tub soak is out as it's not calming to me. I feel helpless and hopeless with no end in sight. I feel like a failure for being able to help so many each day, but not myself... to be able to smile as if nothing is wrong, then go home crying the whole drive there, feeling exhausted, worn down to the rawest nerves and as if I am sinking in quicksand... I cannot heal myself. I cannot find a coping skill that is working... and I get to the point where I feel too tired to even fight the quicksand any longer.

[Perna]

If you cannot work well in that system, it would be better to find another system where you can work more comfortably. As you are finding out, it is an either/or situation; you either have to learn to work within that "mess" or you will get very ill. Allowing yourself to get ill is not the best choice?

I would review Time management tips, make sure I'd doing all I can (put a sign on your closed door when you are working on paperwork, don't allow random clients and coworkers to just knock and expect to be seen/talk to you! Make sure you get to your doctor and other appointments, your health is what keeps you effective; if you lose yourself to ill health, you lose everything, etc.) Time management: Tips to reduce stress and improve productivity - MayoClinic.com

I would schedule my day and not take as much work home; would get headphones, music, noise cancelling machine, something, to help with the sound and fury of the office. I would get together with a couple coworkers to discuss what they do to help themselves and how they cope. I would ask my own doctors and therapists for suggestions; it's not just a problem at your agency but throughout healthcare and many other parts of the economy; more people need help and there's less time and money to go around.

I would carve out breaks during the day for eating, reading, maybe a little hobby work of some sort. I would change my priorities so I put my health and well being first.

[Miracles63]

Sometimes even when you love your job, it's time to step back and take a breather. I know people who have taken a year off their "dream job" because of burn-out or stress, then come back with energy and enthusiasm.
The job market it hard and I realize that. I'm also in social services But your health and the emotional well-being of you and your family sometimes has to take front and center!
I left a $41,000 a year job to take a job at $27,000 a year. We struggled with finances my first year here....but the relief from the stress and the free time I had with my kids made it worth it!!! I never looked back.
You can only look at you...what you want, what you need, and what's most important to you. Go from there!! Best wishes to you!

[happiedasiy]

First I would say thank you for your chosen profession.
Sometimes time passes without that many "thank you", "I appreciate your time", from clients or bosses.
It would be nice to see if the rule makers would be "proficient" if the roles were reversed.

Everyone is right, you have to take care of yourself first, children second and job third.
You may start looking for a replacement location without so much dysfunction.
Remember you cannot save/help everyone. Time is what it is. Concentrate on the people who are putting in the hard work of helping themselves.
So you are brining 15 hours of work home with you in a week!
If you are not happy, your children will notice this, and affect your home environment.

You are a healing soul and some people cannot afford the professional system.
How could you use your skills outside of the work environment and make money as a life coach/tutor/consultant/ect..
Take time to breathe and answers will come.
HUGS/Happiedasiy

[IceCreamKid]

I work in a different job but under similar high-pressure constraints. I hope what I am about to offer helps.

Take back your lunch hour. If your organization offers you a paid lunch hour, take it and be vocal about it. Remind people as often as necessary that you are on lunch when they try to interrupt this time. The best solution is to leave your work area for lunch, but if this is not possible, turn off or ignore the phone and remind visitors. If you are trying to help people set boundaries, you need to model this behavior.

Tell every care provider you need Saturday, very early morning, or evening appointments. Some provide this but do not advertise this. If they cannot or will not accommodate you, begin to find other care providers.

Try to find ways to expedite paperwork and ask coworkers how they are handling it. Unfortunately where I work, people are coping with horribly increased work loads with slip shod work shoved through as quickly as possible. This is becoming the norm. I have begun to modify my own work with fewer double checks just to keep up with the torrent. I am not being paid (poorly) to work myself to death.

Insist on what quiet you can. If you need more quiet to think, try to arrange for it. Does white nose work for you? (I find it more annoying but some people like it).

Start looking for another job. I did this; I started making plans to get another job and I looked around before I switched. Let me be honest though and say where I landed is every bit as bad as where I was. But it has advantages that the old job did not. Employers are taking advantage of employees something awful nowadays. You cannot count on what is said in interview--so try hard to find actual employees who work there to fill you in before you decide to work there.

Remember that no matter what helping profession you are in, you must practice good self-care to be able to begin to help others. I encourage you in this. Courage!

[bluemuse11]

Take back your lunch hour. If your organization offers you a paid lunch hour, take it and be vocal about it. Remind people as often as necessary that you are on lunch when they try to interrupt this time. The best solution is to leave your work area for lunch, but if this is not possible, turn off or ignore the phone and remind visitors. If you are trying to help people set boundaries, you need to model this behavior.

I tried this... (we have a "working lunch hour" btw) even went as far as getting my doctor to write a "prescription" showing I HAD to eat "X" times per day because of health issues - our boss basically let us know that we are PAID (by having a reduced workday - which really we don't because we have to stay to try to finish our paperwork) for our 1/2 hour lunch and that because we have client's within our office area/adjoining rooms we are "working", period, no exceptions. There is NO way to type the required paperwork into the system while eating, just not possible - especially for someone like me who has germ/OCD issues because other people are constantly using my personal desk space as if it is their own (even though I have BEGGED them not to, or to AT THE VERY LEAST clean it up after they are done & not leave it a mess). Having an office mate who really has no boundaries & doesn't care who comes in, or what is going on doesn't help at all... unfortunately, there is NO other place for me to be on-site or I would have moved offices, even to a closet!
Our new schedule has shoved our horrible production up so much that we're now very limited on our paperwork time so every single minute counts & many times there just aren't enough minutes in the day. We're supposed to have a meeting at the end of the week to discuss this new schedule & how it's "working out", but it's not going smoothly at all, no-one is getting their work done, everyone is very stressed out & production is not being met. The down side to the meeting is now all of my co-workers are claiming they will be out the day of the meeting, leaving me with the one co-worker I would rather NOT be discussing anything with in a serious meeting...
I've decided to reduce my stress by allowing myself to excel at mediocrity for a while, which is very outside of my comfort zone... I am not used to not getting things done in a timely manner or making sure all of my "T's" are crossed and "i's" dotted... so it's been hard. I am very detail-oriented. I have cut back on the number of client's I take each day as well, due to the cut-backs on Medicaid regulations, it isn't costing me production, so why should I let it cost me my health just to make the bottom line bloat up for someone else and not get a single kudos or raise for all the hard work and suffering? There is NO incentive to WANT to do ANYTHING extra on this job as far as that sort of thing goes. I almost want to quit and just volunteer at a different center... at least then I am doing what I love and not stressing over the politics.

Oh well... on to wage another day in the zone...

[IceCreamKid]

What a nightmare. It sounds to me like you have reached the tipping point. Now would be the time to start investigating other options, while you are still employed and have deployed your coping strategy of doing what you can.

[bluemuse11]

Ha! Every day seems like a whole new, "wow did that just happen?" moment... but, not always in a good way.
Our boss has called off the meeting & decided things are just fine, we can report to the next meeting scheduled for over a month away if we want to discuss any issues w/our new schedules & how it might be affecting our overall wellness & productivity...
And... well... I had a slight lack of coping skill usage moment at work when another co-worker who seems to get things slightly "handed" to them ever so gently started barking their little moaning whining, "you have it so much better than me" tripe in my face...
I really did have a TIPPING point... wait, maybe it was a boiling point.
I asserted (yes, asserted) my feelings about what they were saying & when they started to argue against how I FELT, I demanded there be no argument over MY feelings - that it is "how I feel". They stomped off in a huff saying I was stressing them out & they couldn't talk to me anymore about it, then promptly went to the bully co-worker of the bunch to sit and literally cry about it - so then I get the bully co-worker down in my office, claiming (LYING) that a client had asked them about the "situation" between me and the other co-worker. I told them that I had no clue what they meant b/c there were no client's who could have realistically been able to recall or hear EVERY single thing now being told to me about our conversation & our voices were all w/in very appropriate tones, not aggressive at all during our "chat". The bully asked me why I was being so defensive... this person does this to me ALL of the time, ALL of the time. I told them I was not being defensive, but that I was merely stating facts and that if I ever FELT like I NEEDED to be defensive, I would be with no apologies about it to them because I deserve to defend myself from ANY form of bullying or assault, regardless of where it comes from.
I swear, paranoia is NOT paranoia if it is actually happening, right??

I feel like a lone wolf at work - there is NO support w/in my own team, how horrid... ick... there needs to be a Mood Setting on here that just says, "ick"... seriously.

Unfortunately, in my area the jobs are more scarce than water in the desert. EVERYONE seems to be unemployed & looking. With my somewhat misanthropic feelings, the best job for me right now would be something sans people...

[JadeAmethyst]

Dear Bluemuse11,
I have enjoyed the same job that you are doing now. In the end, between daily reports and actual direct usable skills interactions you are planning and scheduling and all the other daily routines of service you are providing...I can relate completely to this experience. I didn't want to sit in a room all day with 40 people doing nothing we were short on funds, but getting creative and getting my friends out into the actual world was the main goal for us. We had 3 or more fieldtrips a week, either grocery shopping, going to museums, movie theaters, zoo, you name we did it. In fact we did a community service project with parks and recreations and did planting and gardening for one of the local parks downtown. We were a very active group of people actively participating in the real world. It was the best job I've ever had! But after a couple of years, and reams of reports taken home, and not being able to rest, and also being asked to do more...seminars and home visits all over the city.....I broke down one day and cried my heart out because it was just too much. I let it eat me up for a week, went to supervisors, and got no support either. State funding and billable hours meant more work that I could not do anymore.

So, yeah that lone wolf feeling you have....I would say pay very close attention to, it is telling you the obvious.

After I did finally quit this dream job, I went to work in the home health field, and enjoyed many more wonderful people, and today I am still friends with one lady I cared for 13 years ago!!!

I know the economy is tough right now, and you are right you love what your doing and the service is desperately needed. Please take care of yourself, get some rest. In the meantime at work, stake out a little piece space just for you somewhere no one will mess with you for at least 5 or 10 minutes..you deserve it.
I feel for you and truly understand the spot you are in right now.
Take very good care of yourself. Let us know how things go please.

warm regards
Jade

[IceCreamKid]

You called it correctly re: it wasn't paranoia.

I work with someone who would attack me verbally and no matter what my reply say "why are you getting so defensive". I realized she got off on doing that.

I empathize with your situation.

[happiedasiy]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

You called it correctly re: it wasn't paranoia.

I work with someone who would attack me verbally and no matter what my reply say "why are you getting so defensive". I realized she got off on doing that.

I empathize with your situation.

People who walk around and are verbally abusive, are trying to bait you.
See them for what they are, and calmly say to yourself "this is a person who has issues and I will not be baited into conversation with them"
Or if they have something constructive to say send me an e mail.
Happiedasiy/Hugs

[Miracles63]

Excellent advice on handling a potentially bad situation, Happiedasiy!

[tokiwartooth]

I have had coworkers just like that, and I knew they were trying to bait me into a fight so that they could get me into trouble. I found one of the best ways that I could get back at them and get them to leave me alone, or make them look like the jerk, was to be super saccharine sweet with sugar on top, smile and just be really "nice" to them, and they would try to get more aggressive, but then I would just get even "nicer" with them, and make them look like a fool. It usually worked and they backed down. I also didn't want to come off as sounding condescending. I know how you feel about feeling like a lone wolf. I eventually had to look for another job. It sounds to me like you are at that point. I'm not saying to give up what you have right now though, not in this economy, but I would start looking. Your workplace sounds like a nightmare. If I had a nightmare boss like yours, I would probably force my way into their office and lay it out on the line for them. But that's just me and I'm not saying to do that. And do find a doctor that can help you on weekends. It took me a while but I found one for myself that is open on weekends. If they're not willing to help you on weekends or possibly evening hours during the week, it's definitely time to find someone else. You've got to take care of yourself or your health, and your work, will suffer. Lord knows I did that to myself at my last job when our hours were cut and I had to take on a second job. I worked literally from morning until around midnight every night, 7 days a week. I burnt out pretty quickly and that's when I started looking for another job. I was incredibly lucky to find the job I have now, but I remember all too well feeling like you are right now.

[bluemuse11]

You called it correctly re: it wasn't paranoia.

I work with someone who would attack me verbally and no matter what my reply say "why are you getting so defensive". I realized she got off on doing that.

I empathize with your situation.

THANKS... seriously, because there are times when people like that make you question yourself A LOT and those negative messages start seeping in like poison... I start to believe all the little "seeds" this person drops at me - we all can be a little prone to suggestion I feel, but this person could take an award at creating suggestions!

I have tried to just chill out - push this person a little bit further outside of my "zone" so they are forced to respect my boundaries whether they like it or not & I make it clear when I am speaking using "I feel" statements in order to get my preferences stated. It is starting to show in this person being highly frustrated by my "attitude"... constantly asking me "what's wrong?" - I just respond in a very cordial way that I am fine, just trying to get some work done.
I feel it is almost impossible to deal with anyone who has some narcissistic, potentially sociopathic [as well as having BPD/more 'impulsive' from my observations] issues - when they want some chaos or drama, they are GOING to make sure they get their "fix".

I truly appreciate everyone's support. I am trying to work on "me" right now to get myself in a better mode - I've made some doctor's appointments to check on some long term health issues that have been ignored, I've been doing genealogy for/with my children after work as a 'decompression' rather than bringing work home every day, I made plans for a girl's day at the beach [despite being horribly aqua phobic, ha!] with my only close friend & our daughter's, we'll be gone for 2 days so there's no distractions of home/work to keep me from trying to reconnect with something peaceful & try to work on getting the harmony back into my life like I so desperately need.

Thanks again... hugs to everyone for caring, the kindness of strangers does not go unnoticed.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by bluemuse11

THANKS... seriously, because there are times when people like that make you question yourself A LOT and those negative messages start seeping in like poison... I start to believe all the little "seeds" this person drops at me - we all can be a little prone to suggestion I feel, but this person could take an award at creating suggestions!

I have tried to just chill out - push this person a little bit further outside of my "zone" so they are forced to respect my boundaries whether they like it or not & I make it clear when I am speaking using "I feel" statements in order to get my preferences stated. It is starting to show in this person being highly frustrated by my "attitude"... constantly asking me "what's wrong?" - I just respond in a very cordial way that I am fine, just trying to get some work done.
I feel it is almost impossible to deal with anyone who has some narcissistic, potentially sociopathic [as well as having BPD/more 'impulsive' from my observations] issues - when they want some chaos or drama, they are GOING to make sure they get their "fix".

I truly appreciate everyone's support. I am trying to work on "me" right now to get myself in a better mode - I've made some doctor's appointments to check on some long term health issues that have been ignored, I've been doing genealogy for/with my children after work as a 'decompression' rather than bringing work home every day, I made plans for a girl's day at the beach [despite being horribly aqua phobic, ha!] with my only close friend & our daughter's, we'll be gone for 2 days so there's no distractions of home/work to keep me from trying to reconnect with something peaceful & try to work on getting the harmony back into my life like I so desperately need.

Thanks again... hugs to everyone for caring, the kindness of strangers does not go unnoticed.

I don't question myself around that poor unfortunate. I agree with your assessment re: chaos and drama. But I keep in mind I wasn't hired for that. Take care of yourself and let the enablers (there are always enablers) entertain the office problem.