[HumanFinn]

Hi. New to posting online so forgive me if my question is banal or silly.

I suffer from anxiety and it affects my work performance severely on a day-to-day level but I keep it hidden enough. I find work stressful but I love my job.
I work in a small office and my boss is away for a a month and a half and have left the responsibility of decision making during their absence to me.

I just do the admin and the thought of the responsibility makes me want to die inside, but I have no choice.
I do not want to make management decisions, even if this means I will never progress up the corporate ladder because I just do not have the capability.
I have tried meditating, eating, anything to fill the gnawing feeling in my gut but my brain is so used to being stressed that I cannot do anything but stress what seems like every moment of my existence.

I don't like the position I've been put in, but like everything in life (where reasonable) I just do whatever I am asked even if I do not like it, because.... that's what growth is about, right?

Has anyone else been put in this position?
How do you manage this type of stress?
Would you stress out if you have been left in charge of certain decisions, even when you know your employers know that you think you cannot make good ones? Or would you just try and not feel responsible no matter what happened? !

Thanks for all your time.

[Piraeus]

Hi Humanfinn. It's nice to meet you.Welcome to Psych Central.
I think you are a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for. If your boss
didn't think you could do it, he would not have asked. Maybe you can see
a pdoc and get something for anxiety. It sounds like you have a really
good job. If you are not happy, you can find something that you like
to do. IMHO I would keep the better job.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

[HumanFinn]

Originally Posted by Piraeus

Hi Humanfinn. It's nice to meet you.Welcome to Psych Central.
I think you are a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for. If your boss
didn't think you could do it, he would not have asked. Maybe you can see
a pdoc and get something for anxiety. It sounds like you have a really
good job. If you are not happy, you can find something that you like
to do. IMHO I would keep the better job.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

Thanks so much for the response
I have tried various anti-depressants in the past but and lived on one for at least 4 years but I do not like the way they make me feel (or not feel).
I have also been to various therapists. Maybe I am a bad patient, but they all say the same things which do not differ from the therapy sessions I hold in my head for myself

I have a good job with a good boss and I don't think I could ask for more out of life (even though others may not think my job is so grand). I've been reading of other posts from folks where they have these insecurities, phobias etc and it's as if I'm reading all about myself! That said, even though I understand the concept that I wouldn't be put in a position I cannot handle (and this is all in my mind).... my insecurities lead me to believe that I'm actually tricking everyone in believing in me more than they should. I cannot tell if it's true or not, and I can never feel happy that I'm 'just okay'. And if I do, I think something bad may happen. And one day I will be found out and shunned.

My job also requires answering phones and dealing with people : every day the phone rings a thousand times, every time my heart palpitates and I think I may fall over from a heart-attack (even though I have been doing this for +5 years). I sometimes even go to the bathroom to avoid calls, hoping someone else will answer. There are those little things, and then there is the slow handing over of more and more responsibilities.

I was hoping that other people are in the same type of situation... where they have these feels and insecurities which will not go away but you just do whatever it takes to get money in the bank

And I was wondering how other people deal with it other than with meds... and if it's sustainable. Even though I know I am blessed with this job, every day I come home with that feeling that you left the gas on, that tomorrow is a new day of dread... and I wish I could just hide under the covers with my cat until everyone else just disappears.

I can relate, I don't do well in management type positions at work either. The stress is to much for me, and acts as a trigger for me. I don't really have any good advice to give though, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone!

[StrongerMan]

"whatever it takes to get money in the bank"

I did that at my last job and ended up blowing a disc out in my back among other physical and mental scars. But it was inevitable since I kept myself in such a state of wage slavery/exploitation for far too long. I was offered a management and sales related position that I turned down, because I too didn't want the stress and burden of being the scapegoat for every problem. I got labeled as not being a team player and someone who "cracked" under pressure. My departure was in the making for awhile before my injury. It did end up putting money in the bank for me since I was lucky enough to settle over my injury, giving me a kind of severance package, if you will. But it has left me with such a distaste in my mouth about work that I have been jobless ever since... relieved to be out of the frying pan only to be in the fire, as they say. But not working has become very isolating among other things.

I guess my advice would be to try, by whatever courage you can muster, to ask for what you need to do your job to the best of your abilities. In your case, that may be to let your boss know that being given extra responsibilities and with little notice is very stressful for you. Maybe they could spread things out between you and another person. The worst that could happen is they say no. My point here is that we can sometimes too easily see things in black and white/all or nothing which is a very powerless position to put ourselves in. There quite often are more than 2 choices with anything. We just have to seek them out by communicating what we need to those who can do something about it. That is not being selfish, it is being kind to yourself and to everyone around you who need you to be at your best. No, it's not reasonable to do whatever is asked of you whether you like it or not. That is self abuse we dump on ourselves because we have developed a defeatist, learned helplessness that our only choices in life are those that others dictate. I know how hard it is to overcome this, but it is the only way to find peace in a world where the nice, amenable people are often taken advantage of.

[jadzea]

Finn, just because you may be good at doing something and other people have faith in you does not mean your job is a good fit. We are all better suited to one task over another even though we can do both. For instance, I am able to both knit and crochet and my finished products are equally as good. I hate to crochet though so I do not do it.

You are actually very wise to be able to recognize that you are in the wrong position. You can stay where you are and continue to make money while you figure out exactly what you like and want to do and then find a job doing it. Many people change jobs several times before they settle into the one that is right for them. You will be much happier when you get to that point. Just don't be so hard on yourself and think there is something wrong with you because you do not feel comfortable in your job. Be glad you know yourself and can eventually make a change.

[tigerlily84]

Hi Humanfinn,
I know exactly what you mean when you have such intense anxiety from just waiting for a call to come in. I also go to the bathroom to avoid calls when my anxiety is at its peak. I can't do that too often though because I work in a call center and they consider that call avoidance - grounds for termination if they put two and two together. The only thing I do is try to focus on one call at a time, rather than the many people that I will have to deal with. Like you, I am considered "good" (which is laughable to me) at my job and people look up to me (also laughable).

I agree that you probably don't give yourself the credit you deserve, and it's good that you recognize that this job is not a good fit for you. You're not alone. If you ever feel like talking or venting, feel free to send me a PM.

[HumanFinn]

Thank you all for your responses.
I have no one to speak to about these things, since (try as they might) they just cannot understand the situation from my viewpoint... It's nice to meet you all, and I am very grateful to you for your time!

Don't get me wrong - I do not make tons of money. I am just an administrator afterall. However, in my country it would be considered a decent paying job and a non-customer-interface job that requires no specific skills... I cannot imagine landing one that would pay a decent living wage. I have only done one thing in my life even though I have a tertiary education it is not applicable.

StrongerMan - that's good advice. People who get ask, whether they deserve it or not. I am beginning to see that more and more. But the funny thing is, the guy they did get to take on some responsibilities has never been reliable (and actually made life more stressful) and is not not available when they are needed the most. I suffer from a physiological that is triggered by stress, and I do sometimes feel as if I may collapse from a nervous breakdown, or every artery in my brain might explode.... and I know it isn't doing any good.

It's just so hard to balance what one KNOWS to be normal and how I AM.
One shouldn't be scared to go to the mall- but there I am, driving past the mall in the car. I just didn't have the courage that day. But you just push yourself over and over until, hey, even though going to the mall alone makes me feel insecure and crowded in... I CAN DO IT NOW!

I was thinking work may be the same. If you you live it long enough it may not be SO bad. I feel I have a weak character, so I need to work on myself to become stronger, independent, not so meek. It scares me to get a call (even if it's my family), I do not like being outside alone, I am scared to see a neighbour outside (even though they are the most awesome people!) and I basically worry myself to near-death regarding every single situation of the day - these things need to stop. To do these this would necessitate being put in uncomfortable positions, until I learn... It's helped for some things and not for others. At least, I cannot see another option.

It is just so hard to know what undesirable part of me is a ME that will never change and what part forms broken pieces that I need to stitch back together with perseverance.

But I do thank you all. And tigerlily84 - I am really super impressed. I think I might feel I want to DIE if I had to work in a call center. To do that well is something I could only ever wish for - in my mind it's a rare skill to deal with people effectively over the phone (I know I cannot see my own good points, so for now I agree with the people who look up to you regarding yours!)

[HumanFinn]

Update: things aren't going well, and I feel I'm going to have a nervous break-down. Alone in responsibilities and before I go sleep, in the middle of night and when I wake, all I can think about is work.
It would not be so bad if it were just WORK. That I can do. Long, hard hours and all that. But I am so FEARFUL. Every moment fills me with fear. I have made a mistake today and I do not know how to fix it... I know it is normal to make mistakes but I feel I cannot bear this stress and that I will collapse. But I never do. So I go on. But I feel eaten up inside from worry.
Why do I worry so much? I wonder. I wish I weren't so weak, and that I could be more of an adult and take it on the chin. But I feel I just want to curl up and die.

[wecm7]

Hi Finn,
Looks like u may be a HSP. Highly sensitive person. Theres alot of research and books of this trait. Check it out. If you are an HSP, it can give you positive life changing information about yourself and others.

[RachelCarsonfan]

WOW! I'd never heard of HSP but just spent a little time looking at this website: The Highly Sensitive Person I can see myself in many of the self-test questions, but I have learned to cope with most of what life throws at me. I am just careful about my environment and I'm sure HSP varies in intensity so perhaps my sensitivity is on the mild side. HumanFinn, this website might really interest you! Thanks, wecm7!!!

[wecm7]

. From finns last post, hope everythings ok.

[RachelCarsonfan]

Originally Posted by wecm7

. From finns last post, hope everythings ok.

Right, and it's been a few days since then....

[AnAyanami]

Hi Finn,

You asked for tips and tricks to help you cope. I have a handful of things for you to try. I don't know if they'll work for you, but I've found each helpful for different times/triggers.

- my therapist recommended a book called Mastering your Anxiety and Worry (workbook) that I think is great. It really helped me to get an idea of what sets off my anxiety, which helps me beat it to the punch.

- I have a lot of problem feeling like I am any good at work, too. One thing I do to deal with this is think about the things that I do well in my job. Things that are objective and I can't argue about. Honestly, I use this for all kinds of anxiety issues. Especially ones including people.

- I do breathing exercises. I would recommend checking out "One Moment Meditation". Google it, totally worth it.

- I also do a trick where I keep all sorts of little interesting things on my desk and when I have an attack, I'll pick it up and really focus on it. Really look at the color and the detail and the texture of it. The focus helps to bring you back to the now, instead of getting washed away by the anxiety.

- I have little things I do throughout the day that help to relieve my stress. My best example is 20-30 min of crocheting at night. It helps me let go of the tension I've accumulated throughout the day.

- I take walks. Just a little walk can completely disrupt an anxiety episode. It helps to put good brain chemicals into your system and it gives you a chance to relax those tense muscles. It doesn't have to be much. 5 minutes around your floor. 15 min at lunch, whatever you can manage.

- I make success lists. My therapist suggested that I make a list of everything I did that was good in a day. This list includes getting out of bed and taking a shower - the little things that you don't think about, but that you do right every day. Smiling at your coworkers, answering the phone with the right greeting for your company, sending an email on time. Those are all worth acknowledging. And it helps. I think to myself at least once a day how dumb it is . . . but at the end of the day, it helps me keep going and do better.

- I see a therapist. Even if all I ever do is chatter his ear off, it's good to know that there's someone out there that has my back.

- I have a support group of friends who also have anxiety. It's taken me a long time to find them, but I have other people with whom I can talk about what I'm experiencing and what to do about it. Or just to say that I'm having a hard day.

- I play a game called Habit RPG. I have a lot of trouble getting into good habits, but more than that, this game praises me every time I do something I'm supposed to do. It has really helped to boost my mood and energy.

I hope that helps!! Good luck and keep with it. You'll get better, even though it may not feel like it right now.

[RachelCarsonfan]

AnAyanami, Yours was a GREAT post! Full of lots of practical suggestions. I hope Finn has had a chance to read it! I'm concerned since it's been a while since the last post....

[HumanFinn]

Originally Posted by wecm7

Hi Finn,
Looks like u may be a HSP. Highly sensitive person. Theres alot of research and books of this trait. Check it out. If you are an HSP, it can give you positive life changing information about yourself and others.

Hmmm I just thought I was weak. I will check it out. Thanks

[RachelCarsonfan]

Good to hear from you Finn!

Being sensitive and caring is not weak at all. It's much easier to be hard and uncaring; people like that never experience the pain we feel when we witness others' pain and sorrow. I think the first step we all have to make is to accept and love ourselves for who we are. We are special!

You mentioned about being "normal". Someone close to me is always telling me I'm not "normal." My reply is always - please tell me what "normal" is. I look around at all of the people in the world and don't see any two acting exactly alike and many are not doing things I would consider normal. For example, I see people jogging in the middle of a hot day and my thought is "CRAZY!" OR, I see people all jammed together in NYC for the ball drop on New Years Eve and I think "NO WAY, not for ME!"

Like you, I don't particularly enjoy going to the mall, so I do my shopping at smaller plazas and the thrift store. Is that abnormal? I don't know, but it works for me!

[RachelCarsonfan]

PS. I'm thinking if you learn to accept yourself for all of your good qualities, you will feel better about accepting responsibility when it feels like the right thing to do. And when it doesn't, you feel strong enough to simply say, "No, that doesn't work for me!"

[Junerain]

I was getting my master's of education to become a teacher, and I also felt strongly I didn't want that much 'responsibility' or 'details'...

I had been working for years in an afterschool program, where, since it was AFTER school, the belief was, schoolday is difficult, let the kiddies 'play' even bond with them, have fun after school!!

Which I was awesome at that job!!!!

But teachers sometimes have to be the 'bad guy' i.e. stop talking, get to work, stop misbehaving, etc

I found I had just 'good guy' intentions- wanting to play and bond with the kiddies, let them talk, talk and joke along with the kiddies etc

Needless to say, I did not continue to get my master's of education- the teacher I did my internship under wrote on my evaluation that I 'did not care about the curriculum..'

And I honestly didn't!!!!

Just wanted to drop you a line, that I 'get' you....

[wecm7]

Originally Posted by HumanFinn

Hmmm I just thought I was weak. I will check it out. Thanks

Ok great. Hope it or something else helps