[Fresia]

I have been at a new job a month now, after not working in 14 years, and each day is like the first, full of nerves, anticipation, and now dread. It has not let up. I am still having a hard time because it is a very stressful job with a lot of responsibilities, more than they gave us insight into as students. I am disheartened, a bit shocked, and overwhelmed. I am left wondering, did they shelter us on purpose or just happened to be where I did my rotations that did not see as much ?!

I have wanted to get into this field for a long time and though as a student I really enjoyed the work, I am dreading it now each day and now so very much fear making a mistake. I miss being able to learn for the sake of learning, there are such consequences now. Besides the job itself and harm that can be done of screwing up, my future is on the line. I wish I could let go of the internal pressure and nerves. I think I might actually do better free of the anxiety as it is slowing me down and impeding my progress (it affects my memory, processing, and functioning), but I can't seem to get rid of it and then, I screw up and it gets worse. I expected some but did not expect it like this or to last.

My T is out for medical leave for the next several weeks. I do not know the person on call at all. Perhaps I should call them anyway. If you might have any insight into how to deal with the internal pressures and anxiety to let them go, or words of encouragement, I would greatly appreciate it as I feel like I am drowning and would hate to have this mess up my chances with this position. I need to try to shake this to be able to give my best effort.

Thanks in advance for any feedback.

[Little Lulu]

Fresia, although I have been a nurse for > 30 years, I remember like it was yesterday the fear and heavy weight of responsibility I felt as I transitioned from school to work. I felt very unprepared for the 'real' job and it took about a year to feel truly competent. Like you, I also felt the responsibility of making the job work out ... I had invested a lot of time, sweat, and $$ getting there.

There were other new graduates on the hospital floor where I worked and we supported each other so that was very helpful. I don't see any harm in calling a therapist you don't know. You need support as you make this transition and maybe this person will be just who you need. It may not be possible to entirely shake the anxiety but having support would be helpful.

While health care is serious work, looking back I can see that I could have lightened up a little and still have done a good job but you couldn't have told me that at the time. I was a hard-head then and I still am sometimes!!!

By the way, I ultimately loved nursing and was glad I hung in there.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Hope you're feeling better about your job Fresia.

[Fresia]

Thank everyone for the insight and encouragement, it really means a lot.

The first two days of this week I have more mistakes than I have in the past couple weeks, definitely have learned from them but oh so painful. Then there is the anxiety is all that I can attribute it to that every time the supervisor quizzes me, I draw a complete blank, seem like an idiot even when I know the answer; I freeze or draw a blank or cannot speak. If you knew me IRL, you would know, I ALWAYS have something to say, verbose even, so to have become a mute. What is up with that?!*(&^%$! This is not helping matters and is making things worse. I just don't know what is wrong with me. I am really surprised I am still there, perhaps they just need bodies.

I tried calling the person on call for my T on Monday and he has not called me back. I will try calling again tomorrow, perhaps it is that the squeaky wheel that gets heard.

[scooterb]

Dear Fresia,
I can definitely relate to the daily feelings of anxiety on a job. Someone suggested to me that I made more mistakes when I over analyzed and second guessed myself constantly.
My mental illness is depression with the emphasis on anxiety and also GAD. I am working with my therapist to help me work through the fear and feelings of inadequacy and will start take a group this week using CBT to give me additional coping skills. It's important for me to stay in the moment and leave the results alone - as long as I am doing my best.
I am starting to look for employment and have 2 months left on my SDI so if I don't use all my coping skills for the anxiety I become essentially non functional. At the same time my Psychiatrist is weaning me off my anxiety meds which I've been on for most of the last 27 years!
I hope my post helped. I decided I needed to pop in to this forum to see what others had to say about the challenges of employment. Try to take it one day at a time. And I'll try to follow my own advice.