[Mercury78]

I am new to the forums and found them tonight after I suddenly burst into tears thinking about all of the work I have to do over the next several weeks and decided to take a break.

I have been seriously contemplating quitting my job for about 9 months now, but I feel confused as to whether the problem is the job or me. I worked really hard to get the job I have now, and I used to tell people it was my "dream job," but I seriously can't stand it anymore. The crying tonight was brought on by the fact that I had been working for nearly 12 hours, and I realized I still had a couple of hours of work ahead of me before I could go to sleep.

On top of it, I am single and live in a small town. I moved for work, and I do not have a single friend or family member that I can get to without flying. I tried being friends with some co-workers, but I found that it didn't work out - work disagreements turned into personal conflicts and vice versa so to avoid things really blowing up I decided to keep the relationships professional. But since all I really do is work, I haven't been able to meet anyone outside of work either.

I'm just stressed and lonely all the time and never seem to get enough sleep. I want to quit, but it will be a death sentence to my career (I'm sorry I'm being vague about what I do - I feel, probably irrationally, worried about being identified). So you'll just have to trust me when I say that if I leave this job, it will be extremely hard for me to ever find another one like it. But I don't know if I want another one like it anyway since the stress is the product of the job, not my particular employer.

On the other hand, I've also been having a lot of personal difficulties lately, and I'm worried that this is clouding my judgment. Basically, I've come to the realization that I attract users and critical people into my life, and I've been trying to slowly weed them out, but it is making me lonelier than ever. In the past few months, I have cut three of the closest people from my life due to ongoing dishonesty, criticism, and hurtful behavior. There just aren't that many left, and if I'm honest, a few of the ones left aren't that great either, but I'm too lonely to do much about it. As it is, I only talk to these people on the phone because, as I mentioned, I have no friends in the actual vicinity of where I live.

So I basically want to quit my job and just leave this city and go move somewhere where I do have at least one decent friend, but I am afraid that I am being too drastic. I am in therapy, and it's helping to validate my feelings, but I still don't know what to do about my actual life. I have enough savings to get me through about 6 months, but if I didn't have a new job before that, I don't know what I'd do. But my current job is so overwhelming that it is extremely difficult to find the time and energy to search out other opportunities, especially since I want to relocate across the country.

Anyway, sorry if this is long and confusing. I am very tired at the moment and since I didn't get my work done tonight after all, I'm now going to have to get up in about 4 hours and try to finish it then. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[CosmicRose]

Just a personal word of advice - always keep your work separate from your personal life. Meaning keep your bosses, your coworkers at a safe and professional distance, it really does make life much simpler and less complicated. Don't risk your professional relationships by making them personal. This is also why workplace romances are discouraged, but it goes for friendships too. Yes its always great to be nice to people, but keep it at a surface level for the sake of your mental health - at least that's what I need to do. I can't mix my work life with my personal/home life as far as relationships go, it's just too much.
You can either find a job you really love doing (or at least don't mind doing) or you can make this job work for you by shifting your perspective on it or by finding ways to lower your work load. Jobs should not be causing a person so much stress that it brings their entire quality of life down. No paycheck is worth that sacrifice.
If at all possible, do not take your workload home with you, leave whatever you're doing at the office and only work during business hours.
As you get older your b*llsh*t meter will cause you to stop allowing users or critical people into your life. You can either set up your boundaries now, or later, but eventually they will come up anyway. There is huge power in no thank you.
Look ahead, will you regret quitting this job in two months? six months? Are you just going through a hard spell right now but after this workload it'll ease up and get easier, or is this a constant thing?
By the way, being lonely can be a blessing because it allows you to totally focus on yourself and take steps to improve your life tremendously. Millions of people feel the exact same way you do. You aren't alone. Your family is always a phone call away, not a plane ride away.
"There just aren't that many left and if I'm honest, a few of the ones left aren't that great either..." They weren't there to begin with - you only thought they were, so technically they were long gone before you even realized it. Congrats on cutting those ties.
Don't move somewhere just to find one decent friend, you need to make friends where you are, not chase people around the globe. You can never get away from yourself - and that's your best friend right there.
I would advise you not to relocate at a time when you are already very stressed, unless you're talking about moving back in with your parents or someone who is very supportive. I would look for jobs in your current area, and with the knowledge that you're going to quit your current job anyway that alone should ease the stress of the workload, but if you have to leave, then do whatever feels right.

[hvert]

Wow, reading your post, I was like, is this me?! I really identify with the suddenly realizing your friends are users and becoming burnt out after working insane hours but still wondering if it is me or the job.

As someone who DID quit her job, I have finally come to the conclusion that the problem is both me and the job. I am bad at setting boundaries, both with friends and with work. When someone asks me to do something, I feel like I have to justify saying no on some strange platonic level. I treat yes as the default. Sooner or later I resent all my yeses.

If you like your career path but not the job, change the job. Stop working the insane hours. Tell them they need to hire someone else. Ask them what they will do if you get sick. Figure out how you can split your job into two so they can hire another part time person to do the work.

When you stand up for yourself in these kinds of situations, you have a very good chance of getting what you want. They will not fire you - you are not easily replaced. Many workers have commitments that simply do not allow them to be available 24/7.

But, really -- figure out what would make you happy in the job you have and try to change the job to meet those requirements.

[Mercury78]

Thank you both for your thoughts and your kind words. I do agree now on the separation of work/private life; unfortunately, this is not something I have followed in the past, and I actually find that a lot of my stress is caused by the overlap between the two. So I finally started implementing this policy, but the problem is that work is my only social outlet.

I wish there were a way to restructure my job or take some of my work off of my plate, but that is not a possibility in my position. The only way to reduce my work hours would be to start slacking off in some areas, which I actually have started doing out of sheer necessity - I literally can't get it all done if I put in 100% so I've been picking and choosing what to do at, say, 75%, but then I get stressed out because I know it's not my best work (although I have not yet received any negative feedback so maybe it's good enough). But even with that, at least two or three nights a week, I get no more than 4 hours of sleep. I can usually get some rest on the weekends, but I typically have to do at least some work then as well or I won't get it done during the week.

I think I have the same problem with setting boundaries, and I think I might have a perfectionist streak (but only with work - I let other areas fall apart all the time ) and so it probably is partly the job and partly me. I have that exact same feeling about having to justify every no, and I am especially bad at dealing with very aggressive people - the kind that don't accept the no and keep following up asking for more details as to why, why, why you said no until I find myself either giving in or making up a lie.

Ugh. I just realized that in typing this I have now possibly made myself late getting back from my lunch break. It never ends.

[growlycat]

Oh, Mercury! I could have written this!

"On top of it, I am single and live in a small town. I moved for work, and I do not have a single friend or family member that I can get to without flying. I tried being friends with some co-workers, but I found that it didn't work out - work disagreements turned into personal conflicts and vice versa so to avoid things really blowing up I decided to keep the relationships professional. But since all I really do is work, I haven't been able to meet anyone outside of work either."

I struggle with the same thing. I keep looking for a class or a meet-up group but I have yet to find where I belong. ((hugs!!!))

[brainhi]

I could of started this post as well!

What I have found.....
1. I can have a job I love or duties that are tolerable...but
many many times I do not grow to respect those I work with or
who are considered to be my superiors - and this happened
often in my life. I have a very good work ethic - and I am constantly
disappointed in others that barely try -so I expect nothing from
them - and I am surprised and happy when they come through.

2. I cannot change others - I can change my view, reaction or job.

3. I am very confident of my abilities - so I work as a independent contractor..
is this hard to do - yes! Do I still struggle financially at times - yes. I'm I happier - yes.

You have to learn what is best for you. You have us to talk to. I have a 3 friends I trust and who understand me and I understand them- 2 live out of the state. The other is very busy with her family - but when we do have time together - it's wonderful. I treasure my phone converations w/my friends. The mutual love and respect is there even if we do not get to see eachother.

I feel your pain - if you start a plan to get out - you might start feeling better on a daily basis - knowing you will be able to get out.

Good luck!