[Fresia]

How do you approach evaluating a job situation as to whether or not it is working out for you or if you need to do something different, is it worth it?

Many know this is my first time back to work in a long time. It is not, however, going as well as had hoped in the day to day scheme of things as I am struggling. My pdoc increased my meds to help with the depression that has set and does not help that have contracted pneumonia so that am feeling under the weather for some time, might be clouding my judgment too.

I am 5 mos in but they have already done my 6 mos probationary review, offering me to stay on full time permanently. So in that it is going well that they are pleased with what I am doing and some the people, including two of the supervisors, are very supportive a students.

What is not going well is the struggle. I come home to bed every day, emotionally and physically exhausted still, every day for the last 5 mos. I have no life outside of work because it drains it out of me. I cannot get anything else done of day to day things and it bothers me a lot that so many things are piling up, not able to take care of things or myself, appointments, family, etc.

Then there is that they are SO disorganized; no updated policies to refer to because of a recent takeover of the organization; ask a different person, get a different answer; a hostile environment as the employees bicker over them as they have no clue as to what's going on, no direction, then I get caught in the middle with no idea what I SHOULD be doing, correctly; plus they/we are held accountable for some ideal no one knows.

The other problem is that I am only partially trained, one part of one department, 4 more to go. SO though I have time on my resume, I am still considered a student in the experience standpoint to go elsewhere yet as I found out when I tried to go somewhere I interviewed initially, they are wondering what is wrong with me now that I am not trained but it is an organizational thing, definitely not me, have even asked. I was told yesterday, it took some of their newer hires a year to get through 2-3 departments, which is normal. Which is good on one hand to make sure people are fully trained and experienced before let loose, but really over a year?

Then there is I have now used 5 of my 9 trial work period months for SSDI, which is what scares me the most. I hate to lose it; it was so hard to get it but I also know the income from the job is so much more and more comfortable living standard, especially to pay off medical debts previously and student loans. It is terrifying me to think might not have this to fall back on.

My T, who I can only get into see about 1 month now due to work and fatigue, says I need to to work more on committing myself to the job and not second guessing the system. There are going to be issues everywhere. They are paying me and benefits meanwhile. Just do what I need to, was her advice. I am grateful for the income and benefits, TRULY, but concerned, perhaps I really just cannot handle this.

I stayed in a job previously that almost killed me due to verbal abuse, so I do not have the best judgment, being optimistic and trying to make it work for the money and benefits. I don't trust myself.

So that is why I ask, how do you go about approaching/ evaluating a job situation as to whether or not it is working out for you or if you need to do something different? Or is this just a luxury I should not even be considering, take T's advice, find a way to make it work, no matter the cost?

Any thoughts or encouraging words would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance for patience in reading through this treatise (sorry about that) & your insight, and Happy New Year! Cheers!

[hvert]

I also have a hard time evaluating these situations. Is it me or is it them?

The first thing I would do is try to figure out how I could better take care of myself given the situation. Sleep, exercise, good boundaries. I would also see if there is anything about the situation I could change i.e. would it be possible to form a committee to document standards.

I have also involved myself in extracurricular activities that were so much more interesting than my job that my job bothered me less, which doesn't really work if the job is making you so miserable that you don't feel like doing anything outside of work.

I'd be careful about how I framed this choice. It might feel like 'Do I stick with this job or go back to SSDI,' but it may be that while this job isn't right for you, another one is. It's sounded like it's been going pretty well in other posts, except for that one mistake, so maybe it's stress from that and being sick that is clouding your judgment?

I've found it helpful to list what I've liked and disliked about various jobs. There are probably some things about this job that are actually good. Maybe the downsides aren't so bad if you compare them to other jobs or the poverty that comes with SSDI.

Going on interviews and applying for other jobs is also a way to help evaluate where you are. I remember going on some that made me feel much better about where I was -- and having options is nice.

[JJBX]

You and I are cut from the sme cloth, it seems. My own personal recommendation is... Stick with this job because there is a huge opportunity for you here. This is why I see it - you said they're disorganized and value highly trained people. There is no central place for data. My recommendation would be to take advantage of the fact that you're training to start laying the seeds for organizing information. Type up notes or something. At the very least, it gives you something to focus on other than the stupid things depression makes you think about. It can also make you look like a go-to person when as you said, ask a different person and get a different answer.

I think the desire to want to sneak away is the depression talking. I am at about the same point. I've been at my current company for 6 months and last month they offered be a full time position. Great pay and benefits, wonderful, but the environment is gossipy, people are lazy, and no one friggin shares information (even when they are supposed to). I start feeling like this place is awful and I remember that every company is going to have their own problems. You're going to have bickering in close quarters, so just wear headphones.

I get you about the feeling like all you do is work and sleep. I felt like that way for a while but its because adjusting to the new job was draining and made me tired. I'm slowly rebounding and working out a more ideal schedule so that I feel like I get a little more out of each day.

It's a process, but you got it. You said yourself they like the work you do, so keep being awesome and don't worry too much. it'll get easier with time as you find your own way to adapt.