Difficulties at work - tenuous situation

Without going into too much detail about the history of difficulties I've had at work... I've worked in my current job for a little over 4 years and I've been looking for the exit for nearly the same amount of time. It's a very small office comprised entirely of women. Things get catty and cliquey and I have no interest in that kind of thing. I've been the outcast, because I don't like to socialize outside of work and typically don't take part in a lot of the shenanigans that take place.

The job itself, the actual work, is stressful in it's own right. I'm a crime scene investigator and have to see some of society's worst behavior and its aftermath. I used to be very adept at keeping my own trauma history at bay, but this job has proven to be too much for me to handle. I've gone out on FMLA leave twice due to stress.

I take a lot of pride in my work. I get my work and reports done in a timely manner and I rarely get anything back that needs "fixing". Other analysts like working with me in the field, because they know that I do my job and don't need to be micromanaged. There are others that some of us feel need to be checked up on to make sure everything gets done.

A month ago, I arrived at work and was immediately summoned to the boss's office. Uh oh. I was informed that I was being reassigned to a different department, in an entirely different building from the crime lab, pending an Internal Affairs investigation into my conduct. What? They revoked all of my access to the building, took my keys, and told me to take what I needed from desk for this new job. I felt and still feel like a criminal. My coworkers haven't once asked me if I'm doing ok. I've been ostracized, yet again.

They waited an entire week before telling me what I was being investigated for. As you can imagine - my mind and imagination went rampant. I was finally interviewed by IA and it turns out someone was accusing me of mishandling a firearm. They said I pointed at them. Really? Me?

It's part of my job to process firearms for fingerprints. I know how to handle a gun. Those firearms have been safety checked before they ever even make it into the lab. How can you mishandle or unsafely handle a firearm that's been safety checked TWICE? It's essentially a paperweight.

So, it's been a month and I haven't heard anything. I'm worried that they'll find against me due to my mental health issues. In October of last year, a coworker reported me to my superiors for self-injury. It was the ONE time I self-injured in an area that's visible and I paid for it. They made me sit down with a MET unit (mental health evaluation team) who asked me a bunch of questions about self-injury and suicide. I'm worried about the confidentiality of that conversation. If IA has access to that, they might decide that I'm unstable and cannot be trusted to handle firearms. At which point, I'd be asked to resign, because I can't continue to perform all of my job functions.

So, I'm totally stressed out. For the first two weeks I would just start crying randomly. This is killing me. This place is killing me.

Oh Superheroine!

I feel so much empathy for you. I am so afraid my depression will be found at work. And I have so many SI scars that are visible on my forearms, I always wonder what people think of me.

I hope that the IA investigation turns out in your favor. I know you must be so stressed, on top of your depression. All you can do is wait. Try and stay positive. Especially because if you let yourself fall into negative thoughts, it will only make the situation worse.

(((HUGS)))
Seesaw

Hello Superheroine: From what you wrote, it sounds like finding the way out may be the best solution for you. Your future where you are may simply be too seriously compromised. Good luck with your efforts!

I'm already starting to make arrangements to leave this place. It was a difficult decision to make, one I agonized and stressed about for quite some time, but I finally asked my parents for financial assistance. I just feel like a failure. I'm an adult and I can't make ends meet if I get out of this job. I'm waiting to see what IA decides to see if I have to fight to clear my name before leaving. I got two different responses from people here with regard to what happens to the investigation if I were to resign. They both say the investigation just stops, because it's administrative and not criminal. However one says it just disappears and the other says it stays in my personnel file, which future employers can request access to. I don't want an unfinished investigation in my file and I definitely don't want any mention of my mental health in there. This is why I'm trying to stick it out. But they're taking so damn long, I'm going crazy..

If you leave your employer, legally a future employer can only verify if you were employed there. A reference check might consist of what your employment dates were and if you're eligible for rehire, and that's it. Don't allow them to intimidate you by making you think something they invented could come back and haunt you.

Superheroine, I'm sorry you've been stuck in a position where your professionalism and value are minimized. I detest the "catty" women syndrome. Any other woman who rises above them in work output and/or quality are a threat to their status quo. But some of us can't act dumb and do less than our best!

I wish you wisdom and strength to mount a strong, clear case/defense to IA and have a clean record on your way out. It feels so much better to walk out on them with your head high.

Just my 2 cents.

I think the laws are different depending on what state you're in. I have to check to see if employers will have access to my personnel file. Either way, I'd like to leave there knowing that my reputation hasn't been tarnished. I'm just so over it. It's difficult to get out of bed to go to a place that I hate and feel like everyone hates me.

Superheroine, have you made friends with anyone in the last four years out of your department who might want to work with you, maybe someone who has moved on to another agency or something? I would try to think of any contacts I had who might sympathize and have a position open where they are.

You said, "I take a lot of pride in my work. I get my work and reports done in a timely manner and I rarely get anything back that needs "fixing". Other analysts like working with me in the field, because they know that I do my job and don't need to be micromanaged. There are others that some of us feel need to be checked up on to make sure everything gets done." I would hang on to that thought and see what you can make happen using it.

What a crappy thing to go through! I am glad that you are making plans to get out of that toxic environment. Would it be any better if you were in a different department at the same place or do you need to get away from this employer all together? I hope the investigation goes your way.

I'm planning on leaving the field of forensics entirely. It's not a good fit for me. I have PTSD and it re-traumatizes me. Also the schedule is chaotic and I'm always exhausted.

I asked an employment lawyer as to the privacy laws regarding employee personnel files. In my state, prospective employers do not and cannot have access to them. So it all comes down to what my boss will say when they call for a referral.

The lawyer also said that if the investigation is unfounded, which I assume means they find in my favor?, that I can have it removed from my jacket altogether. That'd be nice.

I feel a little better about this. Of course if my direct supervisor or boss say anything that is defamatory, I'll sue them. Yay legal system? It all feels a bit ridiculous. I just want out and not be given a hard time in the process.

Do you have any union protection?

I do have a union, but they've proven to be completely useless. There's supposedly a law firm that the union works with, but they won't contact them until the investigators give us their findings.. doesn't make sense to me.

I don't blame you for wanting to leave the field entirely. It sounds like you're really burned out

The job I have right now has ruined me.

It's caused so much mental and emotional stress that I've had a physical ailment called POTs rear its ugly head.

I've even developed a phobia of talking on the phone and will attempt to avoid it even from family members. Just merely saying my work greeting in my head is enough to make me have syncope, extreme sweating, absurdly high heart rate, upset stomach, trembling and hysteria.

I've been out of work about 2 months but I'm still employed here and I'm terrified to go back. Yet my health is so bad now I'm incapable of going back to a job that was like my previous one.

I know I need to leave this job to get better but I'll lose my income, healthcare, etc. I'm in a nasty bind. I feel also like I'm dying slowly, painfully, and like quick sand I'm sinking.

Both of us need to leave but both of us probably realize just how hard it is to find another job that provides what our current one does...

What a conundrum.

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I was in a similar position because of a terribly hostile work environment. My suggestion is to get out now. Forego the salary, you can get a new job but you can't save your sanity or health while working there.

What I did was file for disability through work and got disability through my workplace so I was able to quit working almost immediately.

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DITTO, DITTO!! Thank you for sharing your experience. I have recently gone through the same thing (different profession) but got fired last week. I had only been in the job for 6 mos. Never mind it was in healthcare. Nurses can be so cruel to one another. I was also surprised by meetings with my manager sprung on me pointing out my errors (or differences in practice). There was no room for alternative ways of practicing, only her way or it's wrong. I also choose not to socialize with work people. I act in a professional manner and have no desire to belong to the clique. I just wanted to best serve my patients. SHAME ON ME!! You are not alone in this crazy, mixed up society. As a psychiatrist once said to me, "There are no normal people, just the undiagnosed!".

Hi.. I can empathize for you because I've been in bad work environments too. You need to get out of the that place ASAP! Start sending out your resume. Best of luck.

I'm still waiting to see what happens with this investigation. I want out of this place so badly I can't even explain it to you.

But I've filled out applications to 7 different places for a PT job. I haven't heard anything from any of them. 😕. I have two more ready to go. I need something soon. Or I'm gonna lose it.

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