[seesaw]

How do you pretend to be normal at work? At little background on me, the short version of the story, I had a nervous breakdown due to depression and PTSD about 2 years ago, was on disability for 18 months, and now I'm back to work. During that 18 month period, I began to harm myself. I have stopped that but I have very bad visible scars all over my body. My co-workers can easily see them, especially the one on my face. They all know that I left my last job because I "got sick" and they know I have a disability because I have a service dog...

I love hanging out with them after work and chatting socially, but I'm always so afraid I'm going to say things about myself accidentally that I don't want them to know, like about my past, not just the nervous breakdown but about the things that made me have a nervous breakdown like the childhood abuse, etc.

Does anyone else feel this way at work?

Seesaw

[Jan1212]

I don't talk about myself too much to coworkers, I feel like it'll make them get too comfortable with expecting favors and getting too personal, but I had bad experiences

[Cavegirl]

Hi Seesaw.
I can relate to your situation. I have many visible scars. They are on my arms, and they are very noticeable.
For me, generally speaking, hanging out with my co-workers outside of work symbolizes a bit of a closer bond. Unless, it's more of a "work-related" get-together (ie. birthdays, going away parties) where it's a little more "professional" as opposed to casual. In those cases, I tend to keep information on mental well-being a lot more guarded. But, if someone asks me a sincere question, and I don't get that twisted feeling in my gut, I can most certainly open up and share.
I have somehow, throughout the past ten years (when the cutting, trips to the psych ward, as well as the voluntary excursion to detox and rehab, began), been able to properly pick and choose with whom I share and how much I am willing to share. I believe it goes back to that feeling I mentioned earlier, that gut instinct feeling. I have noticed that very, very, very few people have ever actually brought the topic up...and, I'm going to assume that the reason why, is because they know it's risky...as in, they may be putting us both in a terribly uncomfortable situation.
If you begin to feel the need to speak about your experiences, just take a brief pause in that moment, and pay attention to your gut feeling. I wholeheartedly have come to trust that feeling. Believe me...I make poor choices, very poor choices with a lot of things...it's a huge part of my mental illness...but, perhaps if you can somehow make a mental note of what you are willing to share, with whom you are willing to share, and exactly how much you are willing to share beforehand it may help a little. For those few people that have questioned me about my scars and that I haven't felt comfortable answering honestly...my reply to them is, "Oh yeah those marks, whew!... those are from a shark attack". That usually does the trick...just shocks them...I laugh a little and walk away.
I am very new to forums...so...I hope this helped just a tiny bit at least. If there is anything else I can do...

[seesaw]

Cavegirl,

Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in having to deal with this. I think I'm comfortable saying I got sick. When asked about my scars, I just want to say I had an accident, and leave it at that. It's not 100% true and I hate lying, but most people are polite enough to not ask about my scars. I think also...the people at my work are very polite and have very good manners. So I doubt any of them would actually ask unless we knew each other years and years. But what's funny is that perfect strangers ask me all the time, and then they get offended when I say it's really none of their business. Hah! People are so nosy and think they have a right to know other people's private lives.

Thank you!

Seesaw

[Cavegirl]

You are not alone. Now, I see, I am not alone either. I have never met anyone personally that shares markings as blatantly obvious. I have met many people that suffer mental illness along with addictions. My scars, they bother me. They bother me because they scream out my vulnerabilities - even on a day when I feel everything is good in my world.
Yes, I noticed it is the complete strangers that have asked me about my scars. They very well knew the answer. I feel that such a presumptuous question from someone you either do not know, or hardly know, deserve a rather curt response. If they feel offended by the response, "it was an accident"...well, that is most certainly on them.
I've come to notice, all of the co-workers that I have become extremely close with. The ones with whom I've shared...well, they're a lot like me, but unique with their own brand of "crazy" Birds of a feather!! It takes one to know one!!

[dancinglady]

Thanks. I have to hide my mental illness all the time.

[Cavegirl]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

Thanks. I have to hide my mental illness all the time.

Does it bother you that you have to hide it?

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Cavegirl

You are not alone. Now, I see, I am not alone either. I have never met anyone personally that shares markings as blatantly obvious. I have met many people that suffer mental illness along with addictions. My scars, they bother me. They bother me because they scream out my vulnerabilities - even on a day when I feel everything is good in my world.
Yes, I noticed it is the complete strangers that have asked me about my scars. They very well knew the answer. I feel that such a presumptuous question from someone you either do not know, or hardly know, deserve a rather curt response. If they feel offended by the response, "it was an accident"...well, that is most certainly on them.
I've come to notice, all of the co-workers that I have become extremely close with. The ones with whom I've shared...well, they're a lot like me, but unique with their own brand of "crazy" Birds of a feather!! It takes one to know one!!

I feel like people who ask about the scars also kinda want you to feel bad about them by pointing them out. Like how can they think that you would want to talk about your scars, to a stranger no less? I'm glad I work with polite people.

What's harder is that I have a service dog, so people know something is wrong with next they just don't know what exactly.

Seesaw

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[Cavegirl]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I feel like people who ask about the scars also kinda want you to feel bad about them by pointing them out. Like how can they think that you would want to talk about your scars, to a stranger no less? I'm glad I work with polite people.

What's harder is that I have a service dog, so people know something is wrong with next they just don't know what exactly.

Aw...you have a pup looking after you. I love it. Animals are a blessing. What's his/her name?

Has there been any scenario or particular person that offended you most?

What I think a lot about is my husband's family. They have never once asked me about the scars or mentioned mental illness. So...I dare not bring it up.
That's a pleasant topic of conversation! I wonder what they've said. I wonder what think. I've never asked my husband either. I completely flaked on my mother-in-law's birthday dinner 2 weeks ago. I could not bring myself to leave my house...and I felt terrible for missing out on her day.

What coping mechanisms do you find useful??

[seesaw]

My service dog is named Astro.

No one at work has said anything and I guess I just shouldn't care what they think. I'm stronger for what I've been through, I guess.

The hard part is getting through the day. Honestly, one of the things that helps is keeping and making lists of projects and tasks and just working my way through the list methodically. It helps me stay on task...but tasks that take longer or more concentration...I have to take frequent breaks because I just don't have the concentration.

Anyone have other strategies?

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[Shaly78]

Chatting sociable, I'm glad you conquered it! Congratulations

[seesaw]

Thanks.

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[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Thanks.

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How did you ever get to bring a dog to work. They allowed you to interview with your dog too. what kind of work do you do? That sounds like to you work at one amazing company. WOW

[seesaw]

My dog is a service dog so they can't deny me access with him. I have documentation that certifies my disability and need for him, so they can't discriminate.

B ut, everyone loves him and he's very well trained so he's pretty much invisible.

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[Cavegirl]

Originally Posted by seesaw

My service dog is named Astro.

No one at work has said anything and I guess I just shouldn't care what they think. I'm stronger for what I've been through, I guess.

The hard part is getting through the day. Honestly, one of the things that helps is keeping and making lists of projects and tasks and just working my way through the list methodically. It helps me stay on task...but tasks that take longer or more concentration...I have to take frequent breaks because I just don't have the concentration.

Anyone have other strategies?

Aw...Astro..

no real strategies at the moment aside from doing more research and trying to better understand my disorders.

[Yzen]

One strategy I use is to focus on work using only the facts of the project or task and save my emotions until after work. It isn't easy, because my mental state shows itself at times even when I try hard to hide it.

It also helps for me to tell myself that I am going to be myself and not care what my coworkers think. I've tried to be who people expect me to be at work and it isn't working. So, I am learning how to be more accepting of myself and others....even when they have a particular view of me.

[seesaw]

Yes, Yzen, I find that just working on the facts of something makes it a lot easier.

[Eris]

Originally Posted by seesaw

How do you pretend to be normal at work? At little background on me, the short version of the story, I had a nervous breakdown due to depression and PTSD about 2 years ago, was on disability for 18 months, and now I'm back to work. During that 18 month period, I began to harm myself. I have stopped that but I have very bad visible scars all over my body. My co-workers can easily see them, especially the one on my face. They all know that I left my last job because I "got sick" and they know I have a disability because I have a service dog...

I love hanging out with them after work and chatting socially, but I'm always so afraid I'm going to say things about myself accidentally that I don't want them to know, like about my past, not just the nervous breakdown but about the things that made me have a nervous breakdown like the childhood abuse, etc.

Does anyone else feel this way at work?

Seesaw

First of all, congrats for getting off disability! It's such a trap.

Second, sorry to hear about the self harm, I knew some very close to me who did that irl.. Not going to make this about her, anyways. I was going to say, just from happenstance, and cause I'm really light skinned, I have scars on my arms that look just... awful, and when people ask, I usually have to make things up cause tbh, I don't remember :P Since if I remember right, you have a back pretty strong back ground with dogs, and training them? I would say something to say, OH! That, that's cause I train dogs, and explain how when they get their nails clipped... etc. Basically lie... but not really??? This way you're sharing something about you, so it doesn't feel like a lie, but you're not making people think you're unstable, or making them feel uncomfortable, or worried. Odds are they won't even question it, even if it's obvious it's not from a dog.


And to be honest, I feel like that ALL THE TIME around normal people. I think that's going to be something you're going to feel until you get either more comfortable with yourself again, or with that group of people. I can say one thing though. If they enjoy your company, then it's likely they enjoy you. So maybe it's okay to be yourself a bit more?

Hope that helps, Idk, I don't work yet. But all of us here think you're great.

[seesaw]

Thanks!

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[shortandcute]

Sometimes I feel I have to hide it around my family. I've told some people in my family and got some pretty weird reactions. My sister told me that "all it was" that I felt bad about gaining some weight back.

[seesaw]

Hmmm, that's kinda mean of your sister. Depression and ptsd aren't just from gaining some weight. In fact, I didn't gain weight until my depression got really severe anyhow.

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[littlebird4]

I "fake it" all the time it seems...at work, at home, with my parents. It is exhausting.

[Joycene]

Yes, for a very good reason. For years I lived in a family filled with shame and guilt. If you let a person get close to you and share your intimate feelings, people who are supposed to love you, hurt you. I learned never to trust people or be vulnerable because the info would be used against me. Consequently, I just "shut down" emotionally and kept my thoughts to myself. I found peace with my cat as a child. I relate better to animals than people. (Both my husbands have said they wished I showed 1/10th of the affection I have for my cat(s) with them. LOL) I have learned to be very selective with whom I share my personal life with and recently made the mistake of sharing some intimate family info at work and guess what? It was used against me. I thought I was trying to fit in.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by littlebird4

I "fake it" all the time it seems...at work, at home, with my parents. It is exhausting.

I know! I am so tired all the time from the mental gymnastics I have to do every day.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Joycene

Yes, for a very good reason. For years I lived in a family filled with shame and guilt. If you let a person get close to you and share your intimate feelings, people who are supposed to love you, hurt you. I learned never to trust people or be vulnerable because the info would be used against me. Consequently, I just "shut down" emotionally and kept my thoughts to myself. I found peace with my cat as a child. I relate better to animals than people. (Both my husbands have said they wished I showed 1/10th of the affection I have for my cat(s) with them. LOL) I have learned to be very selective with whom I share my personal life with and recently made the mistake of sharing some intimate family info at work and guess what? It was used against me. I thought I was trying to fit in.

My family was much the same way. Intimate info would be used against you in the end. And I'm careful not to share information at work because I don't want it to be used against me either. I did that in my last job and it was used against me in the end. I ended up having to leave that job. I find it's easier to pretend like everything is okay and compartmentalize work from home.

Seesaw