[Fresia]

My Mom died last winter suddenly, then my Dad, a stroke survivor, gets a stage 4 cancer diagnosis 2 months later. I was off from work at the time and then due to taking care of him, shutting down, throwing off my meds/routine/sleep with depression and grief, then BP getting out of control, and then needing to make arrangements for him, I did not go back to work until now, 6 mos later.

I was really fortunate in that they held my job amazingly enough. I am really, truly grateful. I just started back part-time this week, will be part-time next week, and will return to full-time the week after is the plan in place set by my doc.

I still don't feel like myself, almost like in a fog and going through the motions of being there. I am wondering if this was the right thing to do. It has been said the routine, having the tasks to do, and and interacting again will be good for me. I am just struggling to be there, almost not wanting to be which I feel guilty about because they have been really nice to me through this whole thing. However besides wanting to help because they have been so supportive, more importantly financially, I really need to do this.

This first week went ok I think from their perspective as there was a lot of positive feedback. I had a few panic attacks this week and crashed at the end of every day, sleeping a lot due to being exhausted mentally and physically. Hopefully it will get better.

If you don't mind, I'd like to check in periodically as I'm feeling pretty lost right now and want to try to stay track towards the goal of getting back to work and some sense of, I'll say, level.

Thanks for listening.

[seesaw]

Hi Fresia,

We actually have a Working with a Mental Illness Check-In thread, where lots of us post daily (sometimes hourly) updates. Feel free to "check in" on the thread, quite a few of us respond (and I know I try to respond to everyone with at least a few encouraging words).

I know how hard it is going back to work while struggling with your mental health. We are all here for you!

Seesaw

[Yzen]

The first couple of weeks are usually the toughest. You are getting back in a routine and are going through all those emotions. It is exhausting. I hope time will make it easier and your energy will increase.

[Little Lulu]

I agree with Yzen, the first week or two will be the most challenging. Good to hear you are giving yourself space to just take it easy in the evening so no pressure there and starting back part-time is sensible.

You know to use your support resources so that is good, too. It may feel tough but you sound wise. You'll make it, I'm sure :-)

[seesaw]

Geez, I was on SSDI for 18 months, and the first 6 months back not the job were a struggle to 1) stay awake all day long 2) stay focused - I really could care less about things and just wanted to make it through the day and 3) super awkward because I was so isolated while on SSDI, but now I had to be sociable all the time.

It will take time to get used to again, but you will.

Seesaw

[Bluesday]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Geez, I was on SSDI for 18 months, and the first 6 months back not the job were a struggle to 1) stay awake all day long 2) stay focused - I really could care less about things and just wanted to make it through the day and 3) super awkward because I was so isolated while on SSDI, but now I had to be sociable all the time.
Seesaw

Why were you only on SSDI for 18 months? Did you choose to get off it?

[Fresia]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Geez, I was on SSDI for 18 months, and the first 6 months back not the job were a struggle to 1) stay awake all day long 2) stay focused - I really could care less about things and just wanted to make it through the day and 3) super awkward because I was so isolated while on SSDI, but now I had to be sociable all the time.

It will take time to get used to again, but you will.

Seesaw

I had been on SSDI for 12 years and had only been off of it for 2.5 when I had this relapse. I feel like I am starting all over again as if I had never been off of it. Then nice thing is that it was there to help when needed it. However, what you describe is exactly how I am feeling to a tee. I am trying to remember that I did this before so it is possible again to get back out there.

[Fresia]

Thank you for your support.

Today begins my next work week. I am really anxious this morning. I am going to go for walk here in a minute to try to to destress before going in and then tell myself this will go better than I think, over and over again.

[Fresia]

Everyone is being very supportive still, especially my suspervisor. I am amazed because given how things were prior to leave, I never would have suspected this.

I have fewer anxiety attacks this week. However I am noticing with the change in meds that my memory is not what it was. I dug out my notebook from training and using it to add to it so as not to forget or to refer to it if I do forget, especially if I panic. However, this has helped to ease some of the panic by having my notes to refer to.

They are trying to load me up with extra projects and assignments to manage like before. I said no, (shockingly) maybe down the road but not right now. I was really amazed at myself and proud for doing this because 1.it is not like me not to be helpful; 2.I usually like the challenge; 3. I actually created a boundary. I just knew that I did not need the added stress right now.

I had forgotten how much I like what I do. I do not like the social interaction and politics, this I had not forgotten and have not missed. Can't seem to have one without the other though.

I start back full time next week. We'll see whether this was wise as I know the part time days were hard to get through. I hope I can do this.

[Yzen]

Originally Posted by Fresia

Everyone is being very supportive still, especially my suspervisor. I am amazed because given how things were prior to leave, I never would have suspected this.

I wonder if your supervisor became more aware of your true value to the organization since they had to work without you for that period of time.

Originally Posted by Fresia

They are trying to load me up with extra projects and assignments to manage like before. I said no, (shockingly) maybe down the road but not right now. I was really amazed at myself and proud for doing this because 1.it is not like me not to be helpful; 2.I usually like the challenge; 3. I actually created a boundary. I just knew that I did not need the added stress right now.

That is fantastic that you are setting boundaries! I struggled with that on a previous job. My manager kept including me on every project in some capacity until I realized I was the only one on the team (other than my manager)working long hours and having to deal with juggling all the priorities.

I know it has been a struggle, but it sounds like you are doing great! Keep it up!

[Fresia]

The first week back FT went ok: some panic attacks, errors (to be huiman afterall ), and a lot of stress. I crashed at the end of every day taking naps and sometimes sleeping until the next morning. However I made it through.

The issue that came up though is that the doctor wrote restrictions for when I went back FT that not to work more than 40 hours, and not to exceed 8 hour shifts. The are saying, "we cannot restrict against something that MIGHT not happen" meaning overtime. At our facility, overtime is mandatory, scheduled many times in fact. I rarely worked only an 8 hour shift daily on any given work day, 12-16 hour days are the norm. She told me they an restrict some say to first shift because that is what they were hired for for medical accommodations but I don't want to be unreasonable not working 2nd shift if I can help out for coverage issues. I pointed this out to her. The health nurse said HR will confer on this and get back to me.

I did research and if the overtime is scheduled, I can use FMLA but if it is not, I cannot. I don't know what I will do then.

I talked to my immediate supervisor. She does not think this will be an issue but in the meantime will not schedule me for oT knowing I am getting back on my feet. This a relief for now. How long it will last, we'll see. Or will this be used as an excuse to let me go, not being able to fullfill my duties, hmmm, we'll see about that possibly being the case too.