[seesaw]

So I've been doing some freelancing to supplement my SSDI. I have two regular clients right now. One I have an ongoing contract with, the other I just have a verbal agreement (we work project to project and I just get her approval before starting the project). My problems are with my contract client. The contract is at-will, so I can dissolve it any time.

The contract is specified at about 5 hours per week, but I find that I put in much more time than that. I feel like they also want some kind of on-call from me, but I have decided that I will respond to all their emails at one or two times during the week, unless they text or call me directly, which I will respond to immediately, but I can't handle the ongoing emailing, etc., when I've set a boundary of these 5 hours per week.

On a side note that's somewhat related, it's funny that I'm having a hard time managing my part-time work while I'm seeking full-time work. I don't know why I think I can handle full-time work over this freelancing part-time, when the freelancing is giving me so much anxiety. Anyways, moving on...

So here's the deal, anytime I get emails or contact from this client, I just have a total panic attack. That's part of why I've decided I'm only responding during the one to two blocks of time I set aside for them a week. I don't think it's unreasonable to manage the workload this way. Like I said, I've committed 5 hours a week to them. The other thing is that I'm working on a contingency basis. So for every $3,000 I bring in, I can invoice for $1000. It's not based on commission, it's based on my hourly rate, but it's just based on contingency because they are so small they need me to bring in the money before they can pay me. That doesn't bother me, except for the fact that I feel sometimes like they are demanding a lot from me, when I have clearly stated parameters of what I will and won't do. And honestly, the biggest thing is the amount of time I can commit to.

So one of the ways I'm controlling my anxiety is by waiting to respond to all the emails. I do see that the other consultant and other people respond right away to all the emails, but I can't do that...I need time to process the information and handle my anxiety. Email just really cranks up my anxiety. I have panic attacks every time they contact me. What's funny is that I don't get panic attacks when my other client contacts me, but she's much easier to work with and it's just her. The other client is an organization so I end up dealing with more than one person.

I don't know why I'm feeling so much anxiety about this one client, like all these panic attacks, other than the fact that I haven't received any payment yet, but hopefully will by the end of December, and because the organization contains some people from my old job, which obviously I have a lot of stress over because I'm suing them. I feel like I'm having anxiety over it maybe because I have this fear that my former employer and former colleagues may be spreading false rumors about me in the community - this is my paranoia, but I know how they have treated other people, so I wouldn't doubt that they might badmouth me to other former employers.

This client had a consultant in my position previously and they had problems with him, I guess they never paid him for anything because he didn't raise any money...so I worry a little bit about their track record of actually paying. But we have a solid contract that outlines payment, so hopefully that will circumvent that in my case.

So, my first coping mechanism is that I know emails from them set off my panic response. So I read the email, then just decide I will respond to it at a later time, so I can calm down, process, and respond appropriately. There is literally nothing to panic about in these emails, but I just panic about them and the potential conflict in them (again, there is nothing confrontational about it at all, it's just communication). So I have set a boundary for myself that I will wait to respond to these emails. Not necessarily a long time, possibly just a few hours, or maybe the next day.

I don't know how to overcome this response though. I literally have been sitting here for an hour and a half dealing with the initial panic attack, then repeating panic attacks every time I think about the latest email. And the latest email was just about some returned mail we got from a mailing we did, which is totally NORMAL.

I've got to get control of this to get some sanity.

Any ideas for handling these panic responses?

Thanks,
Seesaw

[ArchieAus]

I've read a few of your posts , your in a bit of a Catch 22 situation . Your obviously talented at what you do . But have had challenges to deal with which have had an impact on you and your career. Your keen to get back on the road with work to stabilise your finances , but find limited opportunities . You have an ongoing unresolved action against your former employer , which your concerned is having a negative impact on future prospects . Is it any wonder your anxiety can be easily triggered . I'm in no position to offer advice , but I have read and have listened , and I do empathise. On this particular point you know the response is a little irrational , but it is your response all the same . I wonder if you can connect the emails you receive with something positive and pleasurable . From now on , I can do this , but only when I get an email from this company . If one arrives , I gift myself .... a walk to the park , a chocolate , a nap , listen to music ...anything that works for you . A positive experience .

[hvert]

The two blocks of time you have set up to deal with email are entirely reasonable. If you only checked email during that time slot, would you still feel anxious?

TBH, it sounds like you have good reason to feel anxious about the payment if they didn't pay the last guy, haven't paid you anything, and don't have any money unless you bring it in.

I find the whole not paid to be on call/expectation to answer emails stuff challenging. I'm contracted for a certain number of on-site hours per week and have no obligation to answer emails outside that time, but I can't stop myself from checking... and feel like there is an expectation that I will answer immediately. I don't have a panic response to email so much as some of the messages are infuriating and I don't want to feel lousy on my days off. My solution was to check work emails less often - no autodownload. I also implemented a minimum charge, so if I check my email, I bill them (which helps me not check so often).