I am needing a new job and doing this c.v. business has really got my head in knots. I do not know if there is an ex employer of mine who knows the "real" me.
Because at my second job, or what I would call my first "real" through the books job, there was too many chiefs and not enough Indians. One of the chiefs said I was a really good worker. I learned one day when I went to get a hand held computer mistakenly calling it a PDU then correcting myself to PDA that the person who decided to employ me, begrudgingly had to admit it was her who convinced the company to employ me and they were having second thoughts. I heard as I was walking away, them thinking I was out of earshot.

When I landed this job, by luck I must add, my former employee made fun of me as well as some of the workmates. So I was not committed to the job. I went out and got drunk and would call at five or six in the morning to say I couldn't come in, and of course I would have been seen in the pubs but I was young. I phoned one morning and forgot to cover the receiver and was over heard saying "god, I really cannot be bothered." I didn't even get a warning. I should have got a warning.

I pushed my luck as far as I could because I honestly believed that no-one really cared about me, so why should I care.

Further down the line, one of the bosses questioned my erratic behaviour, becoming concerned so I went to the office. Her daughter had suffered from anorexia so she was attuned to mental health she thought. She said something about the "quiet" and "loud" me mistaking my bi-polar moods of up and down for a personality dis-order.
I never wore socks with my new work shoes one day, as i was used to my dolly shoes and i was made to wear sock, since when is that a crime.
A guy i was friendly with was sacked for making a second mistake with the cash sales.
My first direct manager, was frustrated with me, as i was unreliable, with my attendance and i cut corners. So when somebody else took over, i never changed. They said that their job would be boring if it weren't for me. She knew i was at it half the time. I suspect that i knew her from somewhere, i think at her old job she saw my mother try and strike me across the head for just asking her an innocent question. So at the back of my mind it was difficult, as i had to act like i didn't know that she had seen a peek into my home life. When i was learning something new, she tried to help with my shy awkwardness, and would wink and say i was always keen to customers. But i was like many others, my pride did not like this. Sorry.

I got treatment for my chemical imbalance and by some miracle the company were actually going to take me back. But I opted to start over.
So I settled for a job, another means to an end. I never disclosed about me taking meds, not for something mental, I would never have got a job in a million life times. I had been incredibly depressed for at least a year. I decided to quash my mood cycle. I thought I was clever and concealed things well.
When Iwas transferred to the other half of the company, this manager was not so easily fooled. I could not risk, my natural ebb and flow of my moods so i guess subconsciously I found a different solution. I sort of cordoned off the hyper feelings and tried to be calm and responsible. With my superfluous energy, i would bottle it, and hold it back and i started to use it for my own endeavours: I was searching every nook and cranny for a "cure" to my mental pain, so i could help others. I would write a memoir first even though i was not even twenty. Only then could i truly move on with my life.

She would say "you never complain about anything!" or when i was wrapped up in thoughts i didn't listen and she would be like "do i speak double dutch or something" I didn't take time off, apart from when i got a chest infection as i was trying to turn over a new leaf and be reliable. They thought i was just shy. As time went by, she started to unintentionally compare me to the other young girls, thinking that something didn't quite fit with me. I hated having to have this secret. So i thought that if i wrote a memoir i could show people the truth and i wouldn't have to hide anymore. One person contacted me on fb and said that she related to having a mental illness. Instead of saying thanks and maybe off loading a little i went ballistic demanding to know who was gossiping about me (but everyone was gossiping about me) i went into work and the manageress said i was a little peaky and pale when i first came. I just thought that the world isn't ready for this.

They suggested that maybe i have seasonal affective disorder, picking up on the negative vibes. I didn't read much into it as she was genuinely trying to be helpful and she wasn't far off really - i did have mental health issues. My whole social life was entwined with my fiancé. I had the irrational thoughts going round in my head: nobody wants to be friends with me now. This was exacerbated by my family. Part of me was convinced that if i did leave Fred, it would make me a horrible person or a "user" and that people would think i only stayed with him while i was ill and once i was better i dumped him, so i could do my own thing making me selfish and self-obsessed. He would never have came and seen me in hospital if his mum hadn't pushed him. he thought i didn't know.
I tried to scare him off one time as he had shown up at my parents nearly every night in one week to see me. No-one had ever been that nice to me in my whole life. I sat on the bed and told him that i spent the day in bed and i have the uncontrollable urge to bang my head on the head board and i gave a demo. I had heard of someone else doing this after turning to drugs. I also admitted that i wanted to kill myself and i had been round all the shops buying pills to store up (i had entertained this one in fact). On a walk i admitted that some days i could see myself jumping that cliff. But i would stop phoning and he would turn up. I was his "first." And he mistook sex for love.
When i was off ill, i went jogging every single day. At night i craved a carb fix and bought bread or cakes. he thought i was like someone in big brother who had an eating disorder that made them eat at night. Even though i lost my excess "spare tyre" by eating more and exercising more he was convinced i had a disorder. I was always good at listening to my body. My doctor even said that i treated my body as a temple. That was her exact words. She was a good doctor for me. I was not ready to open up after my breakdown. I needed time.

Prodromal (edit heading)

I met a girl in rehab and we got on really well. I had her mobile number and i could have called her when i got out. When on a night out i bumped into her and she was actually really enthused to see me. I think she was well on the road to recovery but i was rotten and just waved even though i wanted to speak to her. It was because me and Fred had saw her with a renowned "rough crowd" who took heavy drugs and were just anti social idiots. So i was ushered to not get involved with her. It was like Fred was my connection to a "normal" life. I guess without him i may have got tangled up with undesirable people. I may have been convinced to try mind altering substances. Instead we spent our weekends at my local.

I stopped taking them
There is something wrong with her
Myriad of people said it
Not just one
I didn't mean to put others in danger
I would never have intended to embroiled others in my affairs
I deserved to be punished
I take the consequences that have come with my actions
I cannot blame what others have said
But I lost myself
I shouldn't be here

You will make a good wife