[sinking]

i really really dont want to go back to work tomorrow morning.

a part of me is tempted to make a scene and be put inpatient.

the other, more rational part of me, is trying to accept work as part of life.

i really dont like it though cause its really all i have and i hate it. how would you feel if all you had was work? its a duty, a chain that doesnt make me breath.

i've tried to make the best of this week off. i've been at the beach, done some shopping, sleep... a lot of sleep, and tv series. i was finally "happy". i know it was not the best, but it was MY best and i was happy about how i organized myself and my free time.

im scared to go back to work. i dont want it, i dont want to live this ****** life where all there is, is duties and work.

HOW DO YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE AND HOW DO YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE ITS WORTH IT?

a life dedicated to work and nothing else (friends/family/partner etc.) is not a good way to live it. i dont want it at these conditions. i HATE it!

[healingme4me]

Sounds like wherever it is is a horrible place to go to.

As for answering how do I do it, personally? I like the money part, quite honestly. The recognition is certainly encouraging when a task or project is well done. I usually come to appreciate the camaraderie that forms over time with coworkers.

I typically like the freedom as time has passed and the raises add up. I appreciate the security of the regular stream of income. I 'reward' myself from time to time with surplus.

Is it your boss? Is it the tasks involved with the job?

[sinking]

It isnt a horrible place at all. Colleagues and superiors are nice. I just hate the job, but not only this job, ANY job actually, and this, a little more than others, but i cant afford to be picky. I should be grateful for finally finding a job at all. I just hate duties, it seems so pointless except for the money, but i cant enjoy even that...

Im just tired of being alive and living this life

[divine1966]

I am concerned about last phrase. Could you call your doctor or therapist now?

Honestly most people do other things besides working so you don’t need to have a life where you just work. You can do other things.

How do we do it? Well I do like my job, it’s rewarding BUT I (and most people I know) have to work so we can eat and have a roof above our heads. Now I understand that there are people who cannot work. But even those who can be on disability often prefer to work. You can certainly afford more if you have a job

[sinking]

Thanks Divine. My T is on vacation from today so even if i thought i could need her, i dont want to call her, especially if im not in a crisis. i tend to abstract too much (i hate life) from some obsessive thoughts and fall over the "i want to die" broken record.

you are right, i could do other things than only working but when i work, its so exhausting i dont have the energy for much else. its economically rewarding but worthless if i do nothing with that money or enjoy life somehow.

Thankfully today went fine. a slow and calm re-start. it made me feel hopeful and optimistic about the next days and my abilities to do the job. but i dont want to think about the future for more than a week or two.

i am on disability and i could ask (and get) to work less, but i dont want to. this job is the only thing im proud of, the only thing in 15+ years im proud of. i dont want to be one of those who "cannot do it"... and i want more money to get a place on my own (maybe one day? easy to fantasize about it but i dont have a real intention of doing it soon).

Actually, only thinking about this makes me feel already tired and like giving up on life. i cant see the point, really. but i guess i'll keep going. this forum is really helpful and i thank everyone reading/replying/being here.

[divine1966]

Would you qualify for government subsidized housing? Subsidized apartments in my area are actually very nice in nice areas. Oh I see you are in Italy. I don’t know what housing options we have but here if you qualify you can get a small place subsidized by a government so I hope you have something similar there.

I am very proud of you for working even if it’s hard. So many people don’t work and they don’t even have a valid reason for that. You are already more accomplished than many others. Keep plotting along. Don’t give up. If you aren’t sure what to do with money, put it aside and save for a little trip or for future new place to live.

[sinking]

Thanks Divine. yes, we have subsidized apartments here too and i made request in nov. 2017, but sometimes it takes years to get one and usually they are not a good place to live in. so yes, im saving up my money for… whatever in the future, but its like i dont feel i have the strength to get to live in the "future". i wasnt supposed to live this long. i feel lost, worthless, useless and dont have the energy to change it. im not sure i want it either. im just barely surviving between one sleep and the next… counting the minutes during the day, one at a time...

[divine1966]

We are here for you. Find some small things to look forward to every day. Even if it’s as simple as good sleep or good food

[sinking]

Thanks.
I have issues with food so im trying to keep it away from my mind. But i do look forward arriving at evening, watching my tv serie and sleep (but i cant sleep well)...

[sinking]

After 1+ year im doing this job, im finally starting to feel more competent at my job and this is helping a lot...