How to Have a Difficult Conversation About Touching

I work with a male colleague at a charter school, one who has been making me feel uncomfortable, but I don't know how to address it.

Last week, I was helping some teachers decorate their classrooms for open house. I was standing on a chair trying to staple one of the papers to the board and needed to move over to continue (to go horizontally - if you can picture that).

This male teacher said he'd help me move, but without my consent, he helped me move and put his arms around my legs to move me and the chair to keep from falling.

I felt really uncomfortable and left shortly after. One of my female colleagues saw it and asked if I was okay. Especially since we had a presentation earlier that day about sexual harassment. He is married with a kid, and I have a boyfriend.

He's touched my hand, thigh, and shoulder before on separate occassions. But I never said anything. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I can't be in the same room.

Last summer, while I was out with my boyfriend, this male colleague called me at an odd hour. I thought it was an emergency, but he had called me to invite me over to 'hang out' while his wife was away on work. My boyfriend was upset, and told me to be careful and that it was inappropriate and basically a big WTF! I never accept any invitation from him, and will never do so. I don't think I will mention this occurence, but the touching, I will have to say something.

Basically... would this warrant reporting to my boss, or should I speak to this male colleague first? I am scared of confrontation, but I don't want him to touch me anymore, in any way.

wow...that's a toughie. Do you have an HR? If so, do you feel comfortable going to HR for advice? I'm guessing you may not since you say it's a charter school, but thought I'd ask. We didn't have an HR for a long time for the small college I work for and even though we've had one for a while now people still don't feel "right" about going to HR. Seriously, we are here to help.

I know I'd feel uncomfortable going to someone directly as well. As have other people I know. I know this isn't quite the same, but it reminded me anyway. About 8-9 years ago I was asking a co-worker to water my plants while I was gone. She never complained. She said sure or yes or something leaving me to believe she was okay with it. Well, instead of telling me no, she went to her boss, who went to his boss, came back to my boss, who told me. Dumb. She could've said no.

I know in your case it's a possible sexual harassment deal, but sometimes when people are confronted they back off. They don't want to get in trouble. Sometimes showing that initiative says you are stronger than they expected you to be. People who sexually harass prey on those that they perceive as weak.

I'm not sure that helps, but sending hugs. Hope you get him to back off.

Hi there,

I work in human resources and if something like this were happening at my place of employment, I would want the employee to come talk to me. It's a good idea to start with HR to make them aware of the issue. The first thing they will want to do is for you to let the colleague know you are uncomfortable with his behavior, but it's a good idea to involve HR because they can document that you took this step which will be very helpful to you down the road if this does not correct the behavior. They are usually happy to be there as a mediator while you have this conversation with the colleague, or would likely be happy to communicate with him on your behalf. You can go it alone or involve your manager if you prefer, but HR is supposed to be there to help you with these sorts of situations and they are likely the most trained to handle it correctly and delicately. Good luck!

Thank you! I wish you could speak for me.

I think this definitely should be brought to administration's attention. Didn't even have to think about it.

I just did training on this for work today (I'm not in HR, but I work at a large company where we occasionally have to do online classes for things like ethics, harassment, etc.)

I realize it might not be the same everywhere, but the training that I took was *very* specific that you can absolutely go to HR *without* first confronting the person that is causing you problems. They also said that, even if you're not absolutely sure if it's an issue, they'd rather you report it so they can investigate and stop any problem behaviors before they get worse.

I'd report it if I were you. You should absolutely be able to work without worrying about unwanted touch from a co-worker, or invitations to "hang out" in the middle of the night when his wife is away (ugh!).

YES, Please report him to your boss. This is absolutely and completely inappropriate behavior from him, and it makes you uncomfortable. That is NOT OK of him. Please report him to your boss.

Hello there,

I have worked in a school before. I would suggested contacting HR ASAP. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation.

-Best

I'm a manager with 41 employees who report to me...I would highly suggest that you go to Human Resources and report this...HR can be your go between and they can speak with his supervisor...don't let this go on without being addressed.