The Job's I have make Me Hate Myself

*Note: I feel this could also be in the 'Depression' form, but since it is mostly work-related depression, I thought it best here.


I want to feel valuable, that I am worthy and contribute to this world. If given a chance, I think I have much to offer an employer, or more abstractly, the world. For example, I am very well read. I own 1,300 in-print, nonfiction books, and like to think of myself as a specialist in a range of scholarly subjects, although I lack the academic qualifications.

But employers (and most people) only value me for being a grunt laborer, usually doing the dirtiest, filthiest, and hardest jobs that nobody else wants to do.

Every day at work I cease being a person with values, interests, thoughts, etc. Nobody cares what I think. Nobody cares how I feel. All I am is a body, a piece of equipment, and nothing else. Work reduces me to a state of nothingness.

Being in such a state of nothingness all day, all week, is making it very difficult for me to develop a positive self-image.

Again, I want to believe I am valuable, that I am more than what work reduces me to; but the fact that nothingness is what employers, and in fact almost everyone, desires of me, contradicts the self-soothing platitudes I want to believe. If I am valuable, if my knowledge and contribution to this world is important, why am I reduced to nothingness at work and by everyone I know, the exact opposite?

You might suggest changing jobs. I have tried that, about 25 times in 5 years.

You might suggest college. I have tried that, too. I am still in the same dead end jobs I was in before college, except now I am saddled with student loan debt for a degree that is worthless.

You might suggest a skilled trade. I have tried that, too. I hated it, and still hate it, and I have been running away from it for the last 5 years.

You might suggest seeking support from friends and family. Well, I am autistic, and it is virtually impossible for me to make friends, so I do not really have friends. As for family, suffice it to say that I have been diagnosed with PTSD for sexual, physical, and other abuse by them, and was long ago ostracized by them for being autistic.

You might suggest medication. I have tried that; indeed I am on 5 different medications: two antidepressants, two antipsychotics, and a sedative.

Which brings me to the crux of the issue: I do not know how to believe I am worthy, when the world and everyone in it, especially at work, where I spend the majority my life in a state of nothingness, say otherwise

Maybe volunteer? It would give you the opportunity to volunteer in an area that you are good at such as tutoring maybe or helping people get their GED. HUGS Kit

Can I recommend a masters in library science....librarians really get to help individuals on a day to day basis and your prolific reading is a huge plus!

You said you went to college but your job prospects didn’t improve. What did you go to college for? What field? Could you share so we might suggest something?

i can relate to your struggles and i am So Sorry you have to put up with this! i feel like it may be worth it to analyze yourself and ask what is it, exactly, that you want to do as a Living and as a potential dream job. You've said that you're well-read so perhaps something in the academic field may be worth it if you can afford it, or even something else entirely different based on your interests and your aspirations. So Sorry if my post wasn't Helpful. Please do try to be the best that you can be. Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @NonFiction, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

I frankly think it's the rare person who gets some kind of satisfaction out of work. I do what I do and I find satisfaction in life AFTER I'm done working. Work is what provides income and it's mostly repetitious. I log in, do the work and log out.

Is there nothing you enjoy doing that doesn't involve work? If you can't think of anything, would volunteer work satisfy the need? Working with kids, working with the homeless, working with the mentally ill or other autistic individuals as a mentor?

I hear you. But I actually know very very many people who enjoy their jobs and find satisfaction in it. Including yours truly and many of my friends and family, in fact probably most of them do enjoy what they do.

It doesn’t mean one shouldn’t enjoy other things like hobbies and other enjoyable things.

I agree there is more to life than a job but besides looking for satisfaction, one has to eat. For most people work isn’t optional.

Volunteering is good if one can afford not to work or in addition to work

I obtained a diploma in software development about 5 years ago, after a life-threatening accident at work. It wasn't something I loved, but I thought it would offer me some better career prospects. Besides, computers are everywhere, right?

Wrong.


After 5 years, almost $20,000 in tuition, hundreds of dollars in career coaching, unpaid internships to acquire 'experience', countless resume updates and interview preparations, nothing has worked. No employer will hire me as a software developer, technical support, really nothing at all.


And being 'self-employed' as a website designer is stupid. Unless you are a major corporation with specific website needs, it makes absolutely zero sense to hire an individual to make you a website from scratch. For $10/ month, anyone can have a beautiful website online almost instantly, with e-commerce features and almost everything a small business or individual would want, with 24/7 technical support to boot. That's what I have done with my own website. Why spend weeks doing something that can be accomplished so cheaply and so quickly?


I doubt I even have the skills to do that kind of development anymore. Working 130 hours a week doing manual labour hasn't really left me much opportunity to practice or upgrade my skills for the last 5 years.


To make ends meet I've done everything from cleaning portable toilets (the taste of raw human sewage is not one I will forget), to long-haul truck driving, the same job that almost killed me before I went back to college.


I know I'll never have a job I like, much less love. What I am struggling with now is how to accept this and the thought of living like this, doing these sometimes quite literally crappy jobs, the rest of my life.

I enjoy many things after work. I own almost 1,300 in-print, nonfiction books (I don't read fiction), and I am currently working on my own book.


But that's not the point I am trying to make. Enjoying things AFTER work doesn't help me much AT work, especially when I spend 10-20 hours a day there.


Besides, what's the utility in doing something I enjoy, if I can't use that to do anything meaningful in the world?


I am remind of that quote often attributed to Albert Einstein: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

I feel a lot like a fish living in a world that values me based on my ability to climb a tree.


Yes, I do enjoy many things. Yes, I do have hobbies. But this, to me, is the equivalent of writing: "You're a fish, can't you swim?" Yes, I can swim, I am an excellent swimmer, but swimming isn't helping me climb that
Sequoia I see everyday!

How are you working 20 hours in a day? Leaving 4 hours to sleep and eat? I'm sorry you are upset about your life, but if you don't have a satisfying job then you'll be like the majority of people and go to work, do what you need to do and then collect the check. You are the only person who can improve your life. Are you connected with groups in your area that assist people with autism and do they have programs to assist adults in your situation?

Are you talking to a therapist? I wouldn’t listen to someone who says they get satisfaction out of work because that sounds like they’re judging you. I would find someone who’s been where you’re at and overcome it.