[FloatThruThis]

I could say “None of your business.” Or, “That’s personal.” But those both seem harsh. I work in a small town (less than a thousand people), where everyone is in each other’s business.

I don’t care if everyone knows I don’t have a boyfriend, but the conversation never ends there. A customer asked me this yesterday and it caught me off guard. I felt like I had to explain myself.

I should know by now almost everyone doesn’t get it and not to waste my breath. Maybe just say “No, thank you.” And shut up. Resist the urge to justify my happily satisfied single existence.

What are your thoughts?

[divine1966]

No one ever asked me if I have a boyfriend or husband. Why do they ask it? Are these people trying to see if you are available for them to ask you out? Are they single men?

[Discombobulated]

I’m quite a private person so just reading this makes me feel irritated on your behalf.

I guess a lot depends upon who’s asking and why so there’s no broad response. If it’s benign I’d be gentler, especially as you say it’s a small town. Maybe smile and say “What? Working here? I’m too busy” if that sits comfortable, and move very swiftly onto something else.

[Nammu]

I like discombobulated s answer. What! Me! I’m much to busy for a boyfriend! Or I’m not interested right now.

[FloatThruThis]

Originally Posted by divine1966

No one ever asked me if I have a boyfriend or husband. Why do they ask it? Are these people trying to see if you are available for them to ask you out? Are they single men?

It was a single man old enough to be my father, not that that would be out of the question for him, maybe. He’s one of our more pleasant customers that always makes a point of mentioning how happily single he is though.

[FloatThruThis]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I’m quite a private person so just reading this makes me feel irritated on your behalf.

I guess a lot depends upon who’s asking and why so there’s no broad response. If it’s benign I’d be gentler, especially as you say it’s a small town. Maybe smile and say “What? Working here? I’m too busy” if that sits comfortable, and move very swiftly onto something else.

Me too! That is a great comeback, (without seeming like a comeback) in that it answers the question & gives a good reason in one fell swoop. Thank you!

[FloatThruThis]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I like discombobulated s answer. What! Me! I’m much to busy for a boyfriend! Or I’m not interested right now.

I agree. It keeps the conversation light, impersonal, & moving along to the end.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "that's personal" or "I don't wish to disclose that". If he gets offended that's his problem.

[mote.of.soul]

I think it's all right just to say "No, I don't" or "Yes, I do". Either way, in retail, you're probably going to have funny conversations with customers all the same.

[FloatThruThis]

Originally Posted by iPhone

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "that's personal" or "I don't wish to disclose that". If he gets offended that's his problem.

True, & if the right tone is used, it doesn’t have to come across as harsh.

[FloatThruThis]

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

I think it's all right just to say "No, I don't" or "Yes, I do". Either way, in retail, you're probably going to have funny conversations with customers all the same.

I agree. Hopefully if it happens again, I can just leave it at that and not feel the need to explain myself. Part of it was, I got really red, so maybe my trying to explain myself was an attempt to distract from my red face? It was awkward.

[mote.of.soul]

@FloatThruThis

Part of it was, I got really red, so maybe my trying to explain myself was an attempt to distract from my red face? It was awkward.

Ah, I see, yes. I can relate in my own way, in terms of awkward questions.

Yup, what I do is give them the simple basic answer then essentially resist the urge to continue explaining myself. And from there maybe just switch the convo to them somehow, while you re-gather your composure.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by FloatThruThis

It was a single man old enough to be my father, not that that would be out of the question for him, maybe. He’s one of our more pleasant customers that always makes a point of mentioning how happily single he is though.

People who make actual announcement about being “happily” single typically aren’t happy at all and are likely in a desperate search for a partner. No one actually “happily single” makes these proclamations for no reason. Why would they?

I’d ask him “why do you ask?”

[unaluna]

I would go for a one-two punch:

"Yes, i do. Why, do you have a son my age?"

I would answer yes because a LOT of men historically ONLY respect another man's claim on you and not your power to tell them to leave you alone. They don't deserve your time and energy. And basically, they can't handle the truth. So don't engage. Don't give them anything. They need to learn to behave.

[TishaBuv]

I worked retail in a mall when I was young and got this all the time. They ask either because they want to ask you out or fix you up with someone. Turning it back on them and saying, “Why do you ask?” Is good because it makes them get to the point. Then you have to tell them you are not interested in dating them. I have lied and said I had a bf sometimes because it was easier to shut down the conversation.

[FloatThruThis]

Originally Posted by divine1966

People who make actual announcement about being “happily” single typically aren’t happy at all and are likely in a desperate search for a partner. No one actually “happily single” makes these proclamations for no reason. Why would they?

I’d ask him “why do you ask?”

You make a good point. I’m happily single, but I never say it out loud. That would be weird. I have plenty of other weird things to say, if I was more of a talker.

I could turn it around & ask him why, but I don’t want to know. It’s so awkward.

[FloatThruThis]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I would go for a one-two punch:

"Yes, i do. Why, do you have a son my age?"

I would answer yes because a LOT of men historically ONLY respect another man's claim on you and not your power to tell them to leave you alone. They don't deserve your time and energy. And basically, they can't handle the truth. So don't engage. Don't give them anything. They need to learn to behave.

That is hilarious. I don’t think I could say that, only because I’d be laughing too hard to be understood. But maybe that would be enough of an answer?

[FloatThruThis]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I worked retail in a mall when I was young and got this all the time. They ask either because they want to ask you out or fix you up with someone. Turning it back on them and saying, “Why do you ask?” Is good because it makes them get to the point. Then you have to tell them you are not interested in dating them. I have lied and said I had a bf sometimes because it was easier to shut down the conversation.

Yes, I thought this was one of the perks of being middle aged: not being asked that question anymore?

If I say I have a boyfriend, I’m afraid it may go something like this:

Man: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Yes.
Man: Oh, what’s his name?
Me: Um… Max (Max is one of our cats.)
Man: Oh, what does Max do?
Me: Um… He’s unemployed right now.
Man: How does he get by?
Me: Um… My family supports him.
Man: What kind of a man is that?
Me: Um… Well, he’s only 5 years old & actually… he’s a cat.
Man: (Stares)
Me: (Get even more red (if that’s possible) thinking I’ve just out outed myself as someone who is into bestiality with underage cats).

[unaluna]

My mom used to shut down customers by telling them her husband was "6 foot 4 and 200 pounds." My dad was 5'4" and 130 lbs, altho pretty muscular. He would tell us, "Eh, one foot more, one foot less!"

You could just tell them youre a crazy cat lady. Why dont we have a cat emoji?!

He was the one who made it awkward by asking you. You could say "I'm private." And leave it at that. You live and learn. Do you like this person as just a person? Or was he making you uncomfortable? You are allowed to have boundaries.

[Discombobulated]

I totally understand how you feel, it happened to me a while back at work, except he outright gave me his number, I’m also middle aged and it felt ‘off’ to me and took me by surprise.

I actually felt it wasn’t appropriate to ask me out while I’m at my job, I mean would someone do that with a doctor? A dentist? No. So why feel it’s okay to chat up shop assistants, we’re doing our jobs too and we’re not on sale! I agree it’s fine to assert your boundaries but if you don’t feel comfortable being direct that’s okay too, there’s subtle ways and means of letting people know you aren’t available.

[TishaBuv]

There were guys who came in to the store acting like they were looking to buy something, but really wanted to hit on me. They took up my time, making me show them things to buy, while they felt me out to see if they could get a date with me. Yes, I was seemingly For Sale just like the merchandise, lol! So, I had to be nice because they were a customer and then they’d usually buy something because they didn’t want to look that awful, as they actually were. So, I suppose, I made some sales because of it, ha!

Then there were quite a few I actually did go out with! In hindsight, I can see the red flags I missed back then. I’d have done myself a favor to have not gone out with any of those guys. What a funny time in my life, to be that dating age and a “mall chick”.

You’re never too old to get hit on at your place of employment :-)

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by FloatThruThis

You make a good point. I’m happily single, but I never say it out loud. That would be weird. I have plenty of other weird things to say, if I was more of a talker.

I could turn it around & ask him why, but I don’t want to know. It’s so awkward.

I don’t mean to ask him because you want to know. When people ask inappropriate questions, asking them why they had to ask shuts them down

[divine1966]

You can also say that you have a girlfriend.

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t mean to ask him because you want to know. When people ask inappropriate questions, asking them why they had to ask shuts them down

That’s a good point about shutting down. Also about gf. Really I wouldn’t assume someone’s sexuality.