How do I deal with my boss in this situation??

I've been in my job for over a year. I work in digital marketing for a large global company in the apparel industry. I have 15 years of experience in my field of expertise.

At first, my boss and I got along fabulously. Everything was 100% positive in the first 3 months. I had been freelancing initially, and after just 3 months, they hired me on full time.

Very oddly, as soon as I was hired full time, my boss's boss, a female, told me in a meeting that I am "sharp". I think she meant that I can have a sharp tongue. I am very matter of fact , factual, and direct. in my communications, but I made sure to add lots of niceties in every email after that comment.

Also, very oddly, I've had to train my boss in my field of expertise over the last year. So our roles were kind of reversed. She is also 4 years younger than I am. We are both in our 50's.

Over time, I learned that my boss lies and talks out of both sides of her mouth. She will say one thing to me privately, and then on conference calls with 30 people, she will say the exact opposite. I've caught her giving loads of misinformation and outright lying on conference calls and in conversations. A couple of times, I've had to correct her, and even in front of other people on calls, because the misinformation could have been harmful to me professionally.

My boss was also bestest buddies with an incredibly arrogant and narcissistic 24-year old male junior colleague who used to challenge nearly everything I stated and implemented on the website. Now he's moved onto another internal role, but their close, buddy buddy relationship made me feel like my boss disliked me, after those 1st few months when everything was great. The two of them used to disappear to talk privately, excluding me, and I've always felt like they were complaining about me to each other.

Fast forward to today. My boss and I do not get along that great. We mainly talk strictly just business. I've had to stand up to her recently for micromanaging all of my written communications to higher ups. Nearly every communication I sent, she was emailing me privately to tell me what I should have said and should not have said. It became so bad that I had to confront it. I did this very respectfully and diplomatically over email (CYA).

I also am being reprimanded rather frequently. There are so many do's and don'ts in this company, and I was never properly onboarded when I first got hired, so I never know what the rules are.

The last reprimand came when I was referred via email to a VP who sits just beneath the Company CEO. It was purely innocent on my part. The VP had been cc'd on the email thread I was on, and I was told to contact her, so I did within the same email. That caused an uproar with my boss and her boss, and I got my wrist slapped. I didn't know. How was I supposed to know? They never told me that you're not supposed to contact higher ups like that, and in my past roles, higher ups were always accessible.

And now? Every day I go to work, I don't know what reprimand I will face next. I am doing my best work there, but I feel like I am walking through a field of unknown and unseen landmines.

I also am hoping to be promoted to a global role so I can get out from under my boss, but I don't know if that's even possible given my relationship with my boss.

I could be making assumptions about her feelings towards me, but I am also very perceptive and am picking up a tense and rather prickly vibe from her. I am sure it doesn't help that I am older than her and that I've had to train HER, vs the other way around.

The whole situation is JUST REALLY WEIRD, and I am not comfortable at all lately. I have made a couple of friends that I can confide in, but not many. I keep to myself and stay away from gossip and office chatter. I go to work, I keep my head down, and get the job done. That's what I am there to do. There's a lot of younger gossips there.

And, I've had trouble with direct managers in the past. This is not me being at all arrogant or full of myself, but I am smarter than the average person, I am highly ambitious and self-driven, and I am very successful in my work. Those directly managing me have frequently been inept, less intelligent than me, and not very successful, yet somehow they're in leadership roles.

So, I believe the rub boils down to envy from my direct managers, which is masking itself and coming out as hostility and/or retaliation. Sometimes I wish I was not that bright so I could get along better with managers above me who are less intelligent. But I can't help it. I am who I am, and I excel in my work.

So what do you do in this situation??

I DO try to make my boss feel good by giving her compliments when deserved. When she does coach me and is helpful to me, I am sure to say so and am openly thankful for her assistance. I include her in my thought processes and will ask her "so what do YOU think?", and I always am sure to validate and compliment her for good ideas. I also defer to her judgement and I make sure to let her know that I KNOW she is ultimately in charge.

Other than those things, I don't know how to make HER shine, when she doesn't know anything about my field of expertise and when I've had to train HER in all that I do?

Ultimately, I need and want a positive reference from her so that I can be promoted internally. BUT, right now, I fear that she is poisoning that possibility and is likely saying negative and snarky things about me and potentially to those above her who would make those decisions.

So what would YOU do? What should I do to ensure I get a good reference from her so that I can be promoted?

I think you're doing all the right things. The way you can make her shine, I think, is to shine yourself while keeping her in the loop

@SquarePegGuy, thanks so much for reading my post through and for offering your input and advice! Hugely appreciated. That's good advice, too, thanks!!

I wish you much success!

@SquarePegGuy, thank you soo much. You're very kind. I hugely appreciate your replies and support!

The struggle is an ongoing one with my boss.

I am constantly worried that I've written the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, or responded the wrong way, all because of how my boss treats me!!!! She frequently corrects me and coaches me on what to say and what not to say. Good grief! I am constantly walking on eggshells at work as a result, and I wake up worried about how the day will unfold, based on this alone!

Am I being abused again, and I don't even realize it?!?

I asked for candid feedback from a higher up on another team not too long ago on how I interact with her team since we work closely together.

She said that she hasn't heard anything negative. Yet, all I received from several members of her team was prickliness when I ran into them in our office a few weeks ago. I don't think the higher up Director of that team was honest with me. I am very perceptive, and I know I got a cold reception from those members of her team that day.

There's another colleague on that same team that I could approach for candid feedback on my communication skills. I will try that step next. I need to know what I am doing wrong and if I am rubbing people the wrong way.

This colleague DID tell me 2 months ago that I am shakings things up within the company, but in a good way that is only going to be beneficial.

One thing I DO know - people do NOT like change. And I am there, changing everything about how they market the company online. OYE. I have my work cut out for me...

My boss doesn't like me, I can tell. She doesn't look me in the eye when she's speaking to me. She avoids chit chatting with me about our lives, yet chatters away with the younger employees and schmoozes with them. She is sharp with me whenever she corrects me and she can be very snarky with me at times.

I don't know what to do about it.

I'm in a very difficult position at work. Like very difficult. I have to prove to the whole company that what I do is worth investing in, and I have to train my boss in what I do. It's a very unfair position to be in. And right now, I hate the challenge of it all.

My boss lacks class and says and does very inappropriate things. For example, one colleague told me that my boss frequently comments on our CEO's posts on LinkedIn, "I'm so proud of you!" WOW, she is SUCH a ki*ss as*s!!! The CEO is NOT her child or an employee she oversees. It's SO inappropriate to say things like that to our Company CEO! I was appalled when I learned this.

She's also VERY LOUD and makes her presence known.

She also raised her hand to volunteer to be placed elsewhere in the company, right in front of me making it clear that she doesn't like managing me.

What do I do? Is it Ok if your boss doesn't like you? Can you still be promoted and/or receive a good reference, even if they don't like you?

I think she could feel threatened by me... ? She has remained at the same career level for YEARS. She's been with the company for 20 years. I looked at her LinkedIn profile. She has not progressed too far in those 20 years, and I am succeeding with flying colors in my work and am very ambitious in my career. It's very possible she feels threatened and feels like I am outshining her.

OYE. I really don't know what to do?

Yes, I think you're boss feels threatened. If you can get recognition from the folks above your boss, you'll probably do okay.

Yeah, it's very possible she's threatened. I am getting recognized by those above my boss, so that's good at least. I'm in an awful position. That being said, we have a new female member on our small team. Maybe she can act as a buffer. Maybe I can befriend her and we can be buds. I hope so. I could use a friend on my team!

She barely could tell me happy birthday late yesterday after an exchange we had over Teams. Monday is my bday.

Yesterday, she and I had some back and forth messages on Teams about a report I am building for senior leadership. I was in disagreement with the direction her boss wanted me to take it in and I was expressing my disagreement to my boss. She thought I was getting too emotional because I wrote that I was getting frustrated by all the changes her boss wanted me to make. One line saying I'm frustrated indicates I am being too emotional? UGH.

I told her I had left comments for him in the powerpoint deck. She wanted me to connect with him by phone, but also said she would leave it up to me to handle. Even though she said that she would let me handle it, she kept urging me to get on a call with him. So, finally I did and he walked me through all the changes he wanted me to make. So I let her know that we connected by phone. I did what she wanted.

Then, I had signed off work early to make it on time to a bday dinner with mom and my sister. After I had already signed off of Teams, team members were wishing me a happy birthday, but I missed those messages until I signed back on this morning. My boss's own "happy birthday" message to me on Teams was clearly lacking enthusiasm and sincerity. She had written to a new team member, "thanks so much for your hard work this week and welcome aboard!! And yes, happy birthday MY NAME." No exclamation point after "happy birthday". Maybe I am reading into this too much, but no exclamation point after happy birthday? After welcoming a new team member and expressing that with multiple exclamation points?? I feel like I am an annoying gnat bug that bugs her.

I also feel I am in trouble with my boss for another reason. I had forwarded her and her boss an email asking if they wanted to reply instead to a higher up who was asking a question of me - I did not know how to answer exactly, so I forwarded it to my boss and her boss saying "does one of you want to reply to Tracy?" I don't know if that was the wrong thing to do and am now questioning myself. I was so busy and focused on the leadership report, and didn't know how to handle Tracy's question of me... so I just forwarded the email along instead.

SEE? Because my boss has berated me and nitpicked over every little detail like this, I worry too much now about every little detail I may be doing incorrectly and not according to the ways of the company culture!!!! It makes me bonkers!!!!

How do I stop worrying so much?????

I think I would be worrying about every little detail, too.

Are there times when you can make a quick phone call instead of sending an email? The advantage of a phone call is that your boss can respond and let it go, whereas with email, she can ruminate over it, pick it apart and find fault. As well, her voice might be a good indicator to what she's feeling. The disadvantage is that there's no "evidence" to save in case she changes her mind and says that she never said it.

I almost got on a call with her on Friday, but then I decided to work it out with her boss directly.

I do feel it's best to keep everything in writing - just in case I need to reference what she wrote in the future.

I tend to do that, too.

Yeah. I've learned to put everything in writing, even when I have to set limits and/or disagree respectfully. That way, things cannot come back to bite you later on.