[Having2LeftFeet]

My name is "Lefty" and I am an addict. I have been in recovery for over 1,225 days and I am having problems that are pulling me to the pain killers that almost killed me. I was addicted for over 8 years and I fight my addiction every day because of my illness. Once I got clean, I stayed clean at any cost. Even though I was and am in pain every day, I made the best of a bad situation. Now I am finding myself wanting the drugs more than ever because my husband is drinking more than ever. He say's he'll quit, does for a few days and then right back to it. He protests that he can do it alone which all of us addicts know we can't. We have to work the program and have the support of others. I know he is going to fail every time he says he's quitting. It is effecting his job and I basically stay out of his way, even though we don't fight about it. That's because I "mind my own business". His addiction is his and his alone. My addiction and recovery is mine. I was addicted to every pain killer you can think of, including methadone and morphine and other opioids. I had several Docs so I could get pain killers from all of them. I was in a fog for so long that I blocked out my family including my daughters and grandchildren. I asked myself how I got in so deep and then I realized it was me who allowed me to get in. I have called on my "HP" which is the Lord God himself when I feel weak. I look at my husband when he is totally drunk sitting at the computer playing poker and he passes out and blacks out. I do not wake him to come to bed. I am not his mother. If he is passed out on the floor, I leave him there. I have even taken pictures of him drunk and passed out and they have no effect on him whatsoever. He comes from a long line of alcoholics. His father died from abuse, his mother is bearly holding on right now, his younger brother has drank since he was 15 and he is now 41. His other brother is also an alcoholic. He just don't get it. He never will unless he admits that he has a problem, we all know that. Now I will have to make the ultimate decission to stay clean no matter how bad I want drugs just so I can block out the pain of seeing him the way he is. That is my demon, not his. His is his demon, not mine. Pray!

[BamaSurvivor]

You are in my thoughts and prayers, for sure. I know it's a tough situation to be in, but like you said, his addiction is his ALONE while your addiction is yours to deal with. By picking up someone elses addiction trying to save them, we are putting our own recovery at stake and it's a trigger for relapsing.

I still think about using everyday (I am an alcoholic, meth/crack addict), but my Higher Power doesn't put more on me than I can handle and I know this, so I take it one day at a time.... Remember what the big book says... We didn't become addicts overnight, so we're not going to get better overnight... so easy does it!

I wish you the best.

i agree with Bama.......hang in there....you're in my thoughts and prayers. i know it's hard, but it's worth it. xoox pat

[Raynaadi]

It sounds to me like you have a good relationship with your HP. Keep having that faith and you'll get through this! I don't have a lot of experience with the problem of living with an active user, but I know a lot of people have found a lot of help with alanon. Just because you're an addict doesn't mean you can't attend. Maybe that will help? Best of luck.

~Rayna

i went to al-anon for years, after my teens left home. it is an invaluable group for helping you adjust your thinking. it isn't a group to help you change the addict. that's impossible. it helps you learn to change your life and then things work better for you and the addict.