[VioletIcicles]

My boyfriend.

We've been together for three months. Have known each other for about year before that. He drinks. A lot. He's at the bar just about every night (didn't find this out till we started dating). And expects me to go with him. If I sit there and drink soda or water he'll make comments about it like "Well if you didn't want to come out then why did you?" Just because I'm not drinking alcohol. I'll say to him no I wanted to come out, just not drink. And he cannot understand this. He has said before (on a couple different occasions) that the point of drinking is to get drunk. I've tried to say something to him about his drinking and it does nothing. My father is a recovering alcoholic (sober since I was 4 - I'm 28 now). I've sort of talked to him about it once. He said that if he can't sit there and have one or two drinks, like just can't, then he is an alcoholic. I honestly don't believe he can. Or just doesn't want to.... I have issues. I'm on SSD currently because I can't work do to my mental health issues. I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with this. If he is an alcoholic but is trying to do something about it, ok. But if he's is and is still in denial or just doesn't want to do anything about it, I don't think I can deal with it. He complains about not having money. All the time. He spends at least $200 - $250 a week at the bar. I think it's ridiculous myself to spend that much on alcohol in a week but maybe I'm just a prude? I don't know. I just feel like I only know him drunk and I have no idea who he is sober. That scares the crap out of me.

I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry if this is not the correct venue for this and I do not mean to offend anyone. If this is the wrong place for this post I'll remove it (Can I do that?)

Any input would be appreciated.

[jenkins09]

You have a lot going on. Your boyfriend is a huge trigger for you as well I'm sure. I don't know if he is an alcoholic, but he definitely has a problem. If you spend 250 a week on booze you have issues. What are you going to do?

[Yoda]

I guess you have to ask yourself is this something you can live with forever in the relationship because he isn't going to change. It isn't healthy for either of you but it sounds like you have the smarts to know it is unhealthy.

[valfor]

Hi Violet, I cannot say wether your boyfriend is a alcoholic but at his age there are at a age where they will indulge going to the bars because there only responsability is themselves but at the same time he does tend to have the attitude that when you drink alcohol you have to get drunk...which is not so...he is on the road to being one if he is not careful. I speak only from experience....talk to him and take is interests elsewhere...like maybe archery or something else where it's fun but yet interesting. Hope all goes well...sending peace your way VioletIcicles.

[VioletIcicles]

Thank you all for your replies.

Jenkins09: I have no idea what I'm going to do. I've brought it up to him once before that he drinks way too much and the conversation went over like a lead balloon. I've been waiting for a day when he's sober to bring it up.... I'm still waiting and I think I'm just going to have to try to talk to him while he's drunk.

Yoda: Yeah... Unfortunately I have the smarts to know it's not healthy. I guess I'm just going to have to go with an ultimatum. And I really really really hate to do that. But I know it's the way it's going to come out. 'Straighten out, try and take care of yourself and cut out the drinking else I'm not going to be able to stay with you.' Something along those lines.

Valfor: Thanks. I'm going to need that peace you're sending! I agree with the whole around my age and younger people can over indulge but still not have a problem yet. Problem with him is he is 8 years my senior, just turned 37 (I'll be 29 later this year). So in my mind he should be past the "kiddie" over indulging and take it seriously when someone expresses concern. But I've never struggled with addiction so I wouldn't know.... I've tried the whole let's do other things, it didn't work. ::

Thank you all again

[valfor]

My dear Violet..if he is not willing to change maybe he is not the one for you...can you imagine a life where it will not change,,,you do have a choice or maybe he needs a intervention, alcoholism is a disease it is hereditary so they say everyone has there opinion i tend to believe it is...but it can also be overcome..it's not easy..I wish you nothing but the best.

[Julial]

While I can't decide if another person is an alcoholic or not, I can and do recognize the signs. He has told you that he can't have one or two drinks and that the point of drinking is to get drunk. Those were my reasons for drinking along with a host of other "reasons". You have brought the subject up with him and there is no positive response. It doesn't sound like he is ready to deal with the repercussions of drinking such as staying in the bars and spending all his money. I didn't realize that there was a life outside the bars and I didn't understand other people not drinking. Speaking from a recovering alcoholic's point of view, I don't see him changing anytime too soon. You sound like you are a very caring person and seem to genuinely want to help but because you need to take care of yourself first, please think carefully first before taking action. There are a lot of websites out there about alcoholism, please arm yourself with knowledge. I hope everything works out for you. Keep the faith.

[Yoda]

There is a very good book about alcoholism that you and he might read. Under The Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism by Dr James Milam

http://cgi.ebay.com/Under-Influence-...item3cad34d17c

Hello, VioletIcicles. Do you know why you are attracted to someone who seems to have made alcohol his number one priority?

[VioletIcicles]

valor: Yeah I think I'm gonna try to do an intervention first. If he's not willing to try to change, work on it, or however you put it then I'm going to have to reassess and leave him. I hate to say that.... I love him but I love me more. I agree that alcoholism is heredity. There's too much evidence that supports that fact. Thanks

Julial: Thanks for the incite.

Yoda: Thanks for the book recommendation.

TheByzantine: I don't think it's so much that he chooses to make alcohol his number one priority, I think it's more like what Julial said

I didn't realize that there was a life outside the bars and I didn't understand other people not drinking.

From what he has told me and from what I have seen just about everyone in his family is dealing with or has dealt with an addiction. His sister, brothers, father... But since he can get up for work, do his job and pay the bills I think he thinks he's fine. He's what, in my opinion, one would call a functioning alcoholic. You'd think he'd realize he has a problem what with him working in the mental health/addictions field. He can go a day without drinking, I think. He's done it (to the best of my knowledge). So right now I think it's more of a psychological thing than a physical. But only being sober (and my definition of sober being no type of drug, alcohol or otherwise, being consumed) 4 or 5 days out of the month is a huge red flag to me. He is a good guy. Caring, loving and otherwise selfless. If someone that he cared about needed him he'd be there in a second. At first I just thought that we were hanging out at the bar for a place to hang out at. Instead of going back to my place or his place... you know what i mean? Then after it became an option to come over to my place or go to his place and just watch a movie or something there was always an excuse to go to the bar. So-and-so was going out or such-and-such was going on. Then there just wasn't excuses anymore. It was just going to stop in and grab a "few." Or he would make sure he had something to drink when we watched a movie or just stayed in, which was not and still is not the norm. So like I said he is an all around good guy else i wouldn't be so worried about this. At the risk of sounding like a ..... if he was a jerk and I found no redeeming qualities about him this wouldn't be an issue. Sure I'd bring the drinking to his attention but I'd be like "Peace out buddy boy! Wish you luck!" So yeah... I'm rambling now... To sum it up he is a good guy and I don't want to turn my back on him just because of this if he's willing to work on it. Especially since he knows about my problems/issues and has done his best with trying to be supportive and understanding. I've just been afraid I'm overreacting and making a mountain out of a molehill.

My thought is there will come a time when you will realize alcohol is the most important thing in his life.

[Julial]

((VioletIcicles)) I have to agree with TheByzantine. I think alcohol is his number 1 priority. He may be telling you the things you want to hear and he may have knowledge that he has a problem but the fact is, he doesn't want to do things or go places without alcohol. I, too, could abstain for up to 2-3 days and tell myself that I could quit at anytime but it was simply not true. I was a functioning alcoholic for many years and it may have been a slow process, but I lost everything that meant anything to me in the end. I urge you, once again, to watch out for your number one priority, yourself. Keep the faith.

[Tatyana2009]

It sounds like you have all the answers at hand.

He drinks.

You do not know what he is like when he is sober.

He has an addiction that takes him away from you.

Your needs are not met.

You cannot relate healthily with each other because the drinking and the bar visits stand in the way.

He does not recongnise all this.

You struggle to continue.

What to do?

Talk to him quietly about him, when he does not drink. If he is willing to look within - great. If not - move on. You have been with him 3 months. Thats a good time to let go if things are not right. I have been with someone who drinks every night for 7 years. His drinking only got worse and he got abusive. I left. Cut your losses and maintain your standards. Good luck!

How are you doing, VioletIcicles?

[VioletIcicles]

Well I talked with him today. It didn't go well at all. He tried using the same stupid explanation/justification he tried like six weeks ago when I tried to talk to him before. Once the summer starts he'll be working at the pool and his regular job so he won't have time to drink. I said bull. And then I said what about after the summer? I can't be with someone that drinks all the time. He was laughing it off. He was trying to blow the conversation off because he needed to "get a good seat at the bar for the Flyers game." That's about when I started getting angry. I told him the conversation we were having was more important than some stupid game. I asked him if he would be willing to try to get his drinking in check. I knew if I said to stop drinking all together I wouldn't have a snowballs chance in heck so I said for him to stay sober more days out of the week than he drinks. He said he was willing to try but only after the Flyers won or lost if they got to the Stanley Cup.... So he'd be willing to try in about three weeks.... I said that wasn't good enough. He was still trying to laugh it off. He shut up real quick when I pointed out how often he's not sober and how much he spends a week at the bar. But really in the end it meant nothing. He's not even willing to cut back on his drinking to three days a week. I said my piece to him. He made it clear that alcohol is his #1. So I left. My thought process in saying for him to limit his drinking to three days a week was to prove a point to him (without telling him). When he realized he couldn't limit or control or however you want to put it, his alcohol consumption then maybe he would have realized he has a problem and maybe just maybe he would not try to dismiss me when I tried to talk to him. I dunno. Either way we're done. I cannot and will not be an enabler. And if I stayed with him that would be the roll I'd have to play. Maybe something will click and he'll realized how asinine it is that he'd rather loose a relationship over alcohol rather than try and reign it in.

Thanks everyone for your input and support!!! I really, really, really appreciate it!!!!

[Julial]

Thank you for letting us know how things are with you. You did a great thing. You saved yourself while trying to open a door for another. He isn't there yet but you planted the seed in his brain. No matter how much he drinks, no matter how much he denies your words; he will think of what you said. And that's all you can do. ((((VioletIcicles)))) You kept the faith.

Something for you to think about, VioletIcicles.

http://www.healthleader.uthouston.ed...epingenemy.htm

[Julial]

Great article, TheByzantine. Been there, done that. Now, all I can do is pass on the word. Great insight on your part.