ok heres my entire story

I grew up in a household with an alcoholic/cocaine addict stepfather who beat my mother every night&abused my little brothers. My real dad&mom were both potheads. Dad had a cocaine addiction when I was3but he got over that. I never thought i'd ever do drugs. Or smoke cigarettes. At 13 a friend got me2smoke pot with her but I hated it. I was goofy&hungry&didn't feel right.
At17I was living w/my dad(finally)&stepmom. She was awful2me&they had just had a baby2gether. My BFF@the time&I stayed out late a lot, partied with older guys&did things most of the other girls we knew did. We drank but not much&we were actually more responsible than other girls who partied. But she started being2crazy4me(or so I thought)so we kinda drifted away4 a while.
I went out1nite w/a man12yrs my senior. He was really nice(or so I thought)&we played pool&drank&hungout. Then we ended up somewhere&everyone was smoking pot. He passed it2me&I didn't want2smoke it but I did mostly cuz I was pretty drunk by then. It felt sooo good! We ended up leaving&sleeping2gether...but worse, I was hooked on drinking&pot.
I started goin out more&more&my old BFF&I met up again&realized we were doing the same things so we began partying again, but this time drinking way2much. Eventually my dad sent me back2my moms. When I got home she asked me what id been doing so I told her. Her response was2buy me a pipe&alcohol&give me pot. I started senior yr with a good job. I workde alot&had extra cash all the time&she would buy me alcohol whenever I wanted. I began drinking all nite in my room, smokin pot2. She didn't care&she was my mom. My younger brother took me2a friends house1nite&we took LSD. I loved it! Started2take it 3or4times a wk, even@school!
Eventually I graduated&moved in w/my boyfriend. We had a nice place&he paid all the bills so I partied even more. Started not coming hm@nite&cheating on him with guys from work. But he never knew. At hm I just drank a lot, but outside I was a party animal! I soon met the "man of my dreams"&ditched my boyfriend4him.
He was into LSD&cocaine&alcohol. I was into LSD, pot, alcohol&pain pills/benzos by then. I had always told myself I would never do coke or ecstasy or ketamine, heroin or crack. 1nite he convinced me2try cocaine tho&I was hooked. We worked2gether&did everything2gether, including cocaine. We would take LSD&do coke2stay up longer&talk. We talked about everything&anything. It felt like we had a special bond.
1nite we went2a rave(we were into the rave scene back then)&someone offered us ecstasy&ketamine. I bought a pill&he bought some ketamine. We went hm&I took the pill&it started2kick in after20mins. At1st I hated it but then my body melted&I felt incredible. He did the ketamine&was falling into a "K hole"while I layed on the floor with him holding me. Soon we started using ecstasy as a sex enhancer. We would take ecstasy&have sex the whole time.in high school I thought ppl who took it were weirdos. I was a raverkid but I only did LSD. That lasted a few yrs&soon I was candyflipping every wknd, and then doing coke2stay up after we came down&then taking valium&other downers2fall asleep after the coke.
Eventually our coke habit brought us2decide2deal it so we could do it4free. We met a guy who hooked us up w/a quantity dealer&started selling. Got2a point where we'd sniff an oz in a nite, and he was twice my weight yet I did as much as he did. I shoulda overdosed but never did. Then 1day the cops came. We were busted..but they took him, not me&I acted like I had no idea what was going on.
When he went2jail I was stuck without our big dealer so I got in touch w/a guy from highschool who delt smaller stuff. His friend took a liking2me&would come do coke4free with me, hoping he could have sex with me. It was awful, but I would sleep with him2get free coke. Not everynight, but a couple times a week. I wasn't gonna do it all the time cuz I felt then I would be a drug*****. I couldn't pay my bills tho cuz I lost my job4being messed up so I had2move back2my moms. Thought id go hm&get clean, but mom had a secret. She was doing coke2! She would give me some here&there&honestly I was angry@her4ruining my chance2b sober but still doing it anyway.
He got outta jail&we moved outta state2get away from all the craziness. I ended up dancing in a club cuz there weren't any other jobs there&supported us while he stayed hm. It was a very nice club, not a stereotypical dirty club with dancers on drugs.I met a dr who started giving me somas for.10cents a pill. Some days I took30or40pills! But hubby never knew. Mom had a stroke a few yrs l8r so we moved hm, but got into old habits of poppin xanax&we separated. I met a guy who was into meth but I was scared2try it so I did coke instead. 3yrs of sobriety gone in an instant! Soon tho the coke didn't keep me up so I tried meth.
Really, I liked it cuz we would have amazing sex when we did it&our normally abusive relationship was better. I was still popping pills&working in a seedy club making good$$cuz I looked bettr than the other girls, who were ALL ate up&nasty. But 1day he ran outta meth&tried2kill me so I ran back2where my exhubby&I had been living with an old friend, hoping2get clean.buy she was into meth by then&pills2so it got worse. I started workin@the nice club again only I didn't look as good as I had before&even tho I made$500a nite it was barely half what id been making b4meth.
I met a guy tho who saw the pain I was in&offered2help me. He moved me2another state&I got clean! But he liked2drink...I was off the hard drugs but soon drinking almost a gallon of vodka a nite. He was military tho&got deployed so I went back hm. And decided2do heroin. I had done it once b4@a party&it had made me feel so incredibly good. So my youngest brother(with my mom, not my dad)&I started doing heroin. At1st it was just a couple times a week, to take the edge off life, but after a while I was spending up to$700a day on it(here, that's about12grams)&it was getting real bad. I started taking my foil everywhere, work, clubs, dates, guys houses I was dating, everywhere. I didn't want2stop tho cuz it felt so GOOD.
But1day I thought, "enough is enough!"&quit. The next day the withdrawals hit&I thought I was going2die. I have NEVER thrown up so much or had sweats&diarrhea&body aches&chills&uncontrollable bodily movements. It was awful, so I hooked up&decided id never run out again so id never be sick again. But I went2reno w/my gma&aunt&snuck drugs on the plane so I qwouldnt come down&be sick. However, I ran out&got horribly, scarily sick. The hotel airlifted me2a hospital&even tho they drug tested me&knew what was goin on I wouldn't admit anything cuz I didn't want2disappoint my gma.I was sick for6days&never got better. By then my bro had joined us on our trip&he was starting2get sick, too. We had2cut our trip short&return home, but gma was coming2live with us. We hooked up when we got hm&spent the wknd lying bout why we were sick. We ran outta$$tho&decided it was time2get help so I told on us. Another fellow addict told us about this clinic&we went. I was so sick, throwing up everywhere, scaring the other patients(I guess none of em had seen someone so sick b4)and wanting2die. They start u off slowly on methadone cuz they don't want2give u2much, but I worked my way up to 230mg a day, more than anybody else the MD had ever treated. I'm small&have a fast metabolism so my body processes drugs quickly&therefore I need more meds than most ppl twice my size. When I felt stable enough I started2go down. Got to 85mg a day&stayed there for a yearbut now I feel capable of handling myself&my addiction&its been 4YEARS since I got clean so I have started a slow tapering process, which should be done by new years!
Sorry this was so long, but its a long story. Hopefully it will help someone else.

I wish you the best, maryjain lockhart.

wow, this scares me... & I mean this in NO offense to you whatsoever... my story isn't as intense as yours & I know it never will be, but there are many similarities... & that, my dear, is scary.

maryjain, thanks for sharing your story. And, yes, it helped me to read it. Sometimes my addiction tries to make me forget the horrible times that go with taking drugs.I've been clean for some time but I need to always remember the bad part of using drugs and drinking. Thanks!