[ayana95]

My fiance has been drinking for almost a year on and off. I caught him smoking drugs in my kitchen two or three month ago. I told him to leave. He came home and apologized. He said he would stop everything. We went to see my therapist and she tried to convince him to go back to AA. (When we meet 2 years ago he was in AA and NA). He didn't want to go to AA or NA because he is not very social. He started drinking again. Mostly trying to hide it. Money went missing. He would disappear for hours. He would sleep in the day and ay up all night. Three days ago I went in the kitchen and he was heating up drugs in a spoon. he said it was cocaine. I immediatedly told him to leave. He just tried to finish what he was doing. (I had my saftey and that of my child's (who is not his) to think about.) I hadnt heard from him until today. He said he was im detox. What should I do now? Should I let him go through this alone? I still love him but I don't trust him. I am very depressed.

[SlatkaMala]

Wow. That is a tough decision for you to make. When they're in the thick of it, they can really drain you dry. If he's doing illegal stuff in your house, you were right to tell him to leave, especially since you have a child to worry about.

It isn't easy is it? One one hand you love the addict, but on the other hand they can easily destroy those around them.

Have you considered going to Al-anon for support and advice? It's really easy to get into a codependent relationship with addicts.

Maybe be there limited as a friend, but as far as a romantic relationship, that may be too much for you (or anyone for that matter) to handle.

I wish you all the luck with that. I've been there.

[racee]

ok this is just my opinin from dealing with my ex's on and off again drug habit for over 10 years
He needs to go through it alone.....if he can go through it alone than he has a fighting chance.
if he has your support you to lean on chances are he will keep repeating everything. it needs to be hard he needs to feel how hard it is to remind him never to go back to where he was.
when i got sober i had to do things the hard way i personally did it on my own no meeting but i knew what i needed to do since i have been thru treatments many times before,....and chances for junkies to stay clean are slim to none.
So if it was easy for me i prob would be out there right now...probly tonite...
i know you love him, and i love(d) my ex he was my soulmate, but he chose the drugs over me and my son, and guilted me and blamed me. then he always gets clean down the road, than something happens that doesn't go his way blames me than does it all over again.
he can find friends and help in a sponser or other people...not to someone who he has romantic or close ties too. we treat our loved ones differently and act towards them differently. when you clean up all these emotions come out and unstable and we say and act before we think and it just gets too complicated.
really he is better off taking a break from you, especially if you have kids. i am not saying hhe is a bad person if i was i would be a hypocrit, i am no better than anyone.
please let him go through this alone, if he wants to call everyone in awhile keep it short because things can be said and it can go bad in a sec. he needs to go through more than detox if he has the money if not than serious 3 meetings a day you two need time apart him to heal and you to accept. and yes please go to alanon it will benefit if you want to keep this relationship up.

[madisgram]

good questions, ayana. justme, i'd suggest he go it alone for a year. for many ppl the addiction will call him back. at least one year sober and drug free would hopefully convince him that sobriety is the answer to a new way of living. you could offer to go to some open AA or NA meetings with him to support his efforts but i wouldn't suggest your keeping the relationship alive other than that. his past history with you illustrates this fact. thus far he is not willing to change. in active addiction we take hostages (you), they say. i'm sober 20 years i understand that saying. being sober enabled me to have meaningful, healthy relationships. being drunk, i was unable to do that.
al-anon is a good way for you to help yourself too. i wish you the best.
we're here for you and i'm glad you found us.