Siblings Addiction...help

Hello,

I am writing out of concern for my brother, and subsequently my own safety. With the economy the way it is these days, my brother and I are both living under the same roof again. It has come to my attention that he is definately showing the signs of alcoholism, and is becoming increasingly worse. I have tried talking to him rationally, I have tried giving him advice based on my own experiences with addiction, and I have tried letting him come to the realization on his own. None of these approaches has worked.

Tonight he became violent with me. He came home from the bar completely drunk, slurring words, stumbling up the stairs, and with a chip on his shoulder because someone at the bar made fun of his weight. I spoke with him for 10 minutes and talked him down to where he understood he made the right decision to not fight the guy. Ten minutes later he walks into my room accusing me of "stealing his weed". So I sit, dumbfounded, as he blindly throws accusation after accusation at me until I decide it's time to stand up and get him out of my room. I walk to his room, and he follows, and low and behold his weed is sitting within eyeshot from the door.

From this point on he gets downright aggressive. Through his incoherent ramblings I hear him saying I put it there to make him look stupid and so I could come back for more, he was making no sense. Then he attacks, for absolutely no reason, and grabs me and slams me against the wall. I was able to take him down to the ground and put some space in between us and in the ruckus my mother wakes up in time to restore order, since all of my words were falling on deaf, and angrily drunken ears.

I don't know how to handle him, or this situation anymore. He is constantly drunk, and he is a very aggressive, angry, belligerent drunk. On a daily basis he will usually drink anywhere between six to twelve beers. Most of the time he buys the highest alcohol content he can find. I'm worried for his own health, and worried that his drunken rages are going to either wind up with one of us severely hurt or arrested. I feel that the only choice I'm left with is to counter aggression with aggression and I am not a violent person, I do not like being put into that situation.

How can I get through to him? Should I just try to avoid him at all costs? I feel this tearing apart our relationship because the more I try to help him the more he hates me for it, and it seems like the more I try the more he drinks. I'm tired of having a quiet night interupted by his drunken antics, I can't keep doing this.

well first of all we can't change the alcoholic or drug addict. only they can. nothing we try will work.
secondly, if i found myself in this situation, even with a sib, i'd tell him he has to find another place to live and give him a written deadline. if you live in the states, if you post the time he must leave on his bedroom door, you can evict him legally.(check laws in your state.) you do not have to live in fear for your safety. right now your letting him live with you is enabling him. it rids him of being responsible while he drinks. he won't hit bottom if you participate in allowing him to live there.
hope this helps. i think you already know what you need to do. tough love may actually help him more. you on the other hand would benefit attending Al-anon.

If it were only so simple. I am unemployed at the moment, and living back in the house with my mother, where he had never moved from. I have no legal say in his residence here. This is why I'm in such a problematic situation. Secondly, I spent 14 months in an inpatient rehab facility, I know plenty about the 12 step program and have encouraged him to participate, he refuses on the grounds that he is an atheist and will not acknowledge a higher power. I have tried all of the skills I learned from my time and subsequent recovery from addiction and am clean for over 8 years. I personally have found ways to live my life without the need for AA meetings or any sort of sponsor, and it works for me. AA is not the only path that one can walk for recovery.

I only brought this to the forums because I am literally at the end of my rope. I cannot move out, and I cannot evict him. I am trapped with an alcoholic that I am watching get progressively worse, and watching my own life degrade with his. We almost came to fists last night, and neither of us are small guys. I am worried that I will have to bring legal aid into this in the future, but I don't want to give my own brother a legal record, so I'm trying to figure out ways to avoid that happening. I don't believe that statement that WE cannot help change the addict. AA is simply a collection of "we's" anyway. I am not prepared to watch my brother hit rock bottom and possibly kill himself in the process, and will not sit idly by as the codex of AA calls for. It's a mix of frustration, anger, fear, and love that he's putting me through, and it's taking its toll on my own mental well-being.

So I don't have the choice to ignore him, I don't have the choice to evict him, and I can't logically think that the best way to help him is to let him destroy himself further. When I woke up this morning I felt reinvigorated to get back on my feet and get out of this house. I started making some phonecalls to friends and looking online for a cheap place to stay. I'm honestly worried though that if I move out he's only going to get worse, and I may never be able to really have a healthy relationship with him. Perhaps this post was more about his addictions putting me in an uncomfortable place than the toll they're taking on him, but I just don't know what to do or where to turn anymore.

interested to hear if your way works to "rescue" your brother. i'm confidant it worries you re his drinking. you love him.
i'm glad to hear u're trying to move out of the insanity to a place you can live in peace.
each of us in recovery finds our own path. but we will die if we don't find a solution to our illness. i hope he does, but it's his journey.
as for me when i was in the throes of active alcoholism no one or nobody could've stopped my path to destruction. i had to admit i was defeated and fix it myself. in my case a higher power did intervene, thank goodness. i couldn't have done it alone without His help, imho. i used my group as my higher power for awhile. they had learned a new way of living without alcohol and i hadn't. so they were more "powerful" than me.

He's self-medicating with alcohol to relieve pain. He probably suffers from low self-esteem and loneliness, and may feel unworthy of love. So for him, the benefits of getting drunk outweigh the costs.

Physiologically, he probably has a depleted endorphin level and alcohol provides temporary relief. Love stimulates the production of endorphins, and lack of love may be his problem. Eating can also stimulate the production of endorphins, which probably explains his weight problem.

So the real question is: how do you help your brother overcome his pain?

What role does your mother play, since it's her house? She could have him thrown out. Where is he getting the money to spend on alcohol (instead of paying rent, working, etc.). If your mother is giving him money or otherwise helping him, I would ask for the same in kind and see if I couldn't find a more comfortable place to live or make sure I avoided him however I could (sleep at a time he's not home and be out when he is or move my room so it's not as near his (so he doesn't think of me as much)).

Do you not know any rehab friends you could bunk with while you find another job and/or are you not still part of a group that might be able to give you local/concrete help? It sounds like your own situation should be taking the bulk of your attention, not your brother's, sounds like he hasn't changed a whole lot if he's never moved out, etc.

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Them-S.../dp/0882704605#_

.......one of my buddy's wrote this book

Thanks for your replies, I've been quite busy over the past week and posting this somewhat slipped my mind.

@madis - I agree, not every solution works for everyone. He is a diehard atheist, which rules out AA completely. I tried convincing him to just give it a try but when he read a up bit on the literature he immediately said it wasn't for him due to his beliefs, or lack thereof. I understand the risks, including death, which is why I'm so serious about helping him. I've lost three friends to addiction, two to heroin overdoses and one to a drunken motorcycle crash. Perhaps this is the reason why I am so urgent about helping. I was able to somewhat ignore it, or not see the full extent of it while I was out on my own, but being so close to it really illuminates the severity of the situation.

@Dave - Yeah, he definately is self medicating. He's had trouble in the past, psychologically, and there were other things in our lives that led us both to addiction. I was 16 when I went into rehab, it was after my parents divorce and I went crazy with drugs and alcohol. I feel a bit guilty that the example I set may have had a hand in his decline. The thing about love, he has a girlfriend, he has me, and our mother. We have been pretty close since he was about 8 or so, and the degridation of our relationship has only really started recently. As far as overcoming his pain, I understand that no matter how equipped I may think I am, it's impossible to pour your heart out to a family member. I've encouraged him to seek professional help and even gave him the number to my old psychologist, he refused. I dunno, perhaps something happened that he hasn't told anyone in the family about, but there's really nothing off the top of my head I can think of.

@Perna - She is a very liberal woman, but apparently she is on the edge with this issue also. We have been speaking about it and she is considering consluting a professional for an intervention. She could throw him out, but he would have nowhere to go. It must be a maternal thing. He works, but he doesn't pay rent, even though I agreed to contribute and I'm out of work. My mother isn't exactly a rich woman and I would feel quite guilty asking her for money for a leg-up. My father is a millionaire who won't let go of a penny without a birthday or christmas.

Unfortunately, most of my friends from rehab have either fallen back into old habits, or I've lost touch with. My current friends, though few, understand my situation but really aren't in the position to lend a hand. My own situation has been taking center stage for the past week and although nothing concrete has come up, it's nice to be back in the grind of things, sending in applications, calling for interviews, etc.

@Sparrow - Thanks for the recommendation, It was only three bucks so I went ahead and ordered it. Hoping to obtain some new knowledge from it.