[dottie]

My brother's drinking has cost him everything. Now he and his wife are divorcing. My brother has an alcoholic girlfriend he lives with now.

He drinks and drives. I can't believe he has not hurt anyone.

I need everyone's opinion on something. I have reported my brother's drunk driving to the police. Some would say.."how could you do that?" But..you see..if he killed anyone while drinking and driving..I would never, ever, forgive myself for not doing SOMETHING to stop it. I am almost crying now as I write this as I have done everything I know to do about this. I've talked & talked to him until I'm blue in the face.

I wish law enforcement had more tools to get these high risk people off of the road. He will either get caught one night or kill himself, or kill himself AND an innocent citizen.

He won't even stop for his own child. She is a teen now, and has begged him to stop.

She will still get in the car with him...while he has an open container in his vehicle. It's as if he's begging to get caught. I just dunno.

I have called Children's Protective Services. Nothing good came of it. Nothing. No wonder there are so many drinking -related deaths on our highways.

The drunks have all of the rights..it would seem. Opinions on this..anyone??

Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.

~Dottie

[shadowalker164]

No, Dotty, drunks don’t have all the rights.
Jails are full of us as we speak. A drunk gets popped every night somewhere.
I went years without ever getting a DUI. I was just lucky.

Your brother may get pulled over tonight, or he may never get pulled over. Your brother may stop drinking, or he may never stop.

Most of us never get sober, we die of this disease. Sometimes we kill ourselves behind the wheel of a car, sometimes in a barroom fight, sometimes our liver or pancreas, or heart or stomach just gives out. And sometimes we just pull out a gun and blow our brains out. Jails, institutions or death. Nor a rosy picture.

You, his daughter, no one can get him sober. It’s not in your power to change his mind. Your niece should in all probability not get into his car if he has been drinking. That is something you and her indeed can do something about.

As to turning him in, the rules are that a person has to have committed a crime to be held accountable for it. Someone else can’t just order his incarceration on their word alone. If you think about it, not a bad idea.

I’m not up on all the statistics, but I believe that alcohol related accidents are actually down now that drunks are no longer given a slap on the wrist. DUI arrests actually result in jail time where I come from. If not the first one, for sure the second.

It seems you and your niece have joined the legions of people who have watched a loved one sink into the mire that is active alcoholism.

Keep yourselves safe, and accept that you can’t change the path your brother walks. Pain, deep and unrelenting spiritual pain might do the trick, and then again, it might not.

Your friend
Richard

[dottie]

Thanks for your reply, Richard. You see the drinking as caused such troubles for everyone who cares about him. I don't understand why it is not enough for him to stop..as he is losing everything and everyone he has loved. Like his boat, for instance. He was mad about boating. He has lost that beautiful boat now. That boat held many fond memories. Even those great memories will not make him stop.

He has a job now..which he hates. He is used to making a great deal of money. That too is gone.
Before my mother died 2 years ago..I saw it rip her heart apart to see him slipping so low.

It really is a torture to watch.He is the only sibling I have left. One brother died of natural causes at the age of 50. Ran himself into the ground..he did. Another took his own life in his garage..leaving his 2 little girls waiting at school to be picked up after the final bell.

I will never be at peace about all of this. It's always there.

Thanks again for your response!!

TGC

[shadowalker164]

Logic doesn’t apply, common sense doesn’t mean a thing, losing everything is in his mind a small price to pay for continued access to alcohol. We are fully prepared to throw away everything, and I mean everything to get and stay drunk. I understand what he is going through very well. He is no stranger to me.

I would have told you that I loved my children more than I loved my arms. Maybe I did, but in the end, I loved alcohol more. There is a school of thought, one that I adhere to that states that your brother is suffering from a disease that he has no effect control over. When we commence to drinking like that, we have placed ourselves beyond human aid. We can’t stop.

Oh, any of us can stop for a day, maybe a week, a month tops, but it is the rare alcoholic that can go much longer than that. We can’t stand the way we feel without alcohol in our systems. The pain of sobriety eventually becomes intolerable. We literally have to drink to preserve our sanity.

I am sorry Dotty that I can’t offer you any more than this, but you are well to know what’s going on here. Alcoholism is very resistant to treatment, and it’s primary symptom is denial.

He will either tell you that he has it under control (he in all probability believes he does) or he will become angry. Or a little of both. You are a threat to his access to alcohol, and he either sees you as his enemy now or will soon if you continue push the issue.

My advise:
Cut him loose. Have nothing to do with him. Do what you can for the child, but let the full weight of his actions fall squarely on his shoulders. Don’t make his fall softer, let him hit bottom as hard as he sees fit. That alone may help.

As to your being at peace, that’s your own call. You can wear him around your neck as long as you feel you need to, stay close to the child, she needs a sane person in her life, but you need not bleed for him. It does no good in the end.

Richard

I'm sorry for how you are hurting Dottie.

I also have a brother in a similar state- and ironically he has one daughter- although my niece is 20 now. However, my brother uses my niece as an excuse to drink since she was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of three and was given 5 years to live back then. She is somewhat disabled now, but functions pretty well under the circumstances. I think my brother believes he can better handle things when he's drunk. He's already spent jail time and has had several DUI's. And yet keeps drinking........

You are a good person to care about your niece and also the innocent people that possibly could be hurt by your brother. I agree with shadowalker --- the alcoholic has to decide to stop in their own mind-- no matter how much someone cares-- that isn't going to make them stop.

If you need to talk I'm just a PM away.

Thinking of you and wishing you well,
mandy

[dottie]

Thanks Mandy for your response. I really appreciate it. I can see a catatrophe coming but i am powerless to do anything. I have a lot to work on yet in terms of accepting what I cannot change.

I just hope he eventually sees the light. When he is sober he is actually a wonderful person. Then he takes that 1st drink and another..

I'm sorry. I know how this feels for you.

Petunia

[dottie]

Thanks for your response. I have seen my brother get the shakes when he has been without alcohol . It is the main thing that he thinks about.

I am so worried about my niece's perception of herself. I sent a paperback book to her..which helps teens deal with alcoholic parents. I hope it helps her. Poor kid.I wish I could take her!

[dottie]

Thanks Petunia. It does hurt. It's just out of my hands!

[BlueFaith]

(((((((((Dottie))))))))) I'm so sorry that you have to see your brother do this to himself. My mother is an alcoholic, and I've seen her get the shakes many times. I've now moved 60+ miles away from her, and I only talk to her by phone every once in awhile. She has always put alcohol first... above her children, above her marriage, above everything. I know how you feel. I'm so sorry. Hopefully one day your brother and my mother will see the light. But in the meantime, we can't let them drag us down with them. I hate to say it like that.. but it's the truth. PM me anytime you need to.

[Raynaadi]

I agree wholeheartedly with what everyone said, especially cutting your brother loose. Don't let him take you down with him. We as alcoholics don't care how our loved ones feel when we're actively drinking. No matter how you feel or what you do, he'll drink. Don't let him have free rent in your head.

~Rayna

[dottie]

Thanks MP. I appreciate that. It's just so difficult to live with. I asked him to go to AA meetings. He said" naaaaah. It's a cult."
"And then they bring in God. F___ God"

. It's like hitting a concrete wall. He is filled with rage. I can't understand where such rage could come from.

I keep my contact with him at a minimum, sadly, because I cannot believe how someone can live like that. The denial is always there. I have heard every excuse in the book from him. Once again..I get back to thinking about all of that anger he has inside. Who does he hate..and why.?

Thanks for listening.

TGC

[bebop]

drunks won't stop just because we want them to unfortunately....I lost my husband to it 3 yrs ago. what a journey that was.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I may have missed it but nobody has mentioned ...Al Anon...

[Raynaadi]

Yes, great suggestion Sleeps!