[Frogtown]

Such an odd question I know. I recently met an amazing man who also happens to be 10 years clean and sober. Im not familiar enough with the addiction process I guess to know what to do, or not to do. He is 'iffy' from time to time, meaning he wants me to be around but tomorrow could be completely different. He tries to push me away quite often saying it's not healthy. So this is what Im questioning.... is it healthy for an addict to have a relationship? Or is it even possible? He started working on his q&a 12 steps again last week to try and become more focused. Is this something I should be a part of? Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance!

[Callmebj]

Frogtown, Addicts are that way because they are medicating for emotional reasons.
It sounds like he may be in the clear with addictions, but has he addressed the issues that it was founded on? He sounds a bit non-committal as to a relationship. Offer to go with him to the 12 steps..if he wants you to, I'm sure he will tell you. Good luck to you.
bj

[Ortus]

I'm reminded of one of NA's slogans: "The Lie Is Dead" referring to "Once an Addict always an addict". Anyway, if he has 10 years clean - The last of his problems is addiction. Other issues that lay underneath are now front and center. Hopefully he's addressing those. NarAnon is NA's "Alanon" for spouses and family members. Maybe look up their website and see if it's something you'd like to try. Good luck to you!

[IceCreamKid]

I would not knowingly date an addict. But if you are going to, one thing I suggest is getting to know his friends. How he interacts with them and what they say about him will say a lot. I'd also point out that stressful events (and falling in love, getting married, etc -- happy events are stressful) are sometimes triggers for relapse.

...individuals with addictive personalities can certainly be a little more complicated than the regular 'garden variety' non- addictive human.

...and individuals in active addiction usually guarantee an extra-ordinary experience when combining their behaviour with an intimate relationship.

unfortunately the longevity and quality of such a union is compromised by the seriously unfair conditions...

as the addiction will take priority over the 'other person'. Effectively this person becomes the in-significant other!

alternatively....

....A recovering, and formerly addicted individual is quite possibly an outstanding human! To win the battle over enormous personal urges suggests incredible loyalties that are potentially superhuman....or spectacular in the least.

....such an individual usually has a complex structure of specific needs in order to manage the delicate balance and keep ahead of the addictive 'mindset'....and

these complex needs are not entirely unlike those of the regular non-addictive personality human....but there may just be, perhaps, an extra intensity and passion involved ....simply because the consequences of failure are quite brutal.

....I recommend everybody get involved with somebody....if the intimate environment is fair and just. otherwise then even I am doomed!

and why?......because I am a recovering addict as well.