[littlebitlost]

I nearly died in feb in a car accident with 13 broken bones and a torn aorta.

Since then, Ive been prescribed painkillers(obviously) and xanax which was my drug of choice.

I'm trapped in a wheelchair for the rest of the year, some of next probably as well. I need another hip operation, my third, as my bones arent healing right.

To top off all of this, I only did detox n 4 months of rehab last year.

I'm drinking in moderation these days to get more bang for my buck with my meds.

I am stably on cymbalta for 2 years now, on 90mg.

My marriage is crumbling and I feel dreadful. I am close to suicide.

I doubt it's just from my previous chemical imbalance. It's primarily situational depression. Wheelchair, pain, crumbling marriage, life sucking more than normal.

I have a psychologist, long term, but she's retiring. And I have a referral to a psychaitrist, to do the CBT and muck with my meds.

I was going to AA and all that (No NA in my area) and am still doing the steps. Stuck on Step 4......

I'm just looking into life insurance, so my little girl has something. 13 month minimum and then it's iffy if it's suicide. I want to inconvenience my family and those around me as little as possible.

Words of wisdom would be helpful. but I thought I'd just put it out there.

[Leed]

Hello my friend -- I dont want you to think of suicide. Remember that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Nothing is that serious. Everything changes, and NO ONE is worth killing yourself over. NOTHING is, either. No problem is that bad!! There is always someone who has it worse than we do. Sure, those are all cliche's, but they're all TRUE.

I worked all the Steps in AA more than once, and I have almost 19 years sober -- and I thank God for AA! I almost died myself from drinking. I came so close to death that it scares me. If I had drank any more, i sure wouldn't be here now. God MADE me call AA that day --- and I mean that literally. I tried to put the phone down that day when I picked it up to call AA -- but i could NOT put it down!!! Something kept me from putting the receiver down. SOMETHING MADE me dial that phone!!! It was NOT me!!! There was an 'aura' around me, when I dialed that phone, and then a man answered -- and something MADE me said "I need help." And I got that help.

I tell you this because God saved you for a REASON. You are here because God has a plan for you -- and reason for you to be here. It's up to you to figure out what that reason is. Perhaps it's to help other people who are in the same "trouble" you're in, whether it's people with addiction problems, disabilities,, or depression. I don't know, but YOU might know. You are here because He WANTS you here to DO something.

I'm sure you must have prayed to God while you were in that accident and/or recovering. Well, He answered you!! Now it's up to you to do something about it.

Just my thoughts -- but you can't answer God by taking your life. Not after He answered your prayers. God bless & please take care.

[madisgram]

oh littlebit i am so sorry you are facing such challenges with your health. when you see your new postdoc, please tell him/her how badly you feel emotionally. you need support and possibly meds to give your mind a lift for the present. at least that would enable for you to have more hope.
you do have a purpose tho the present looks bleak right now. your daughter is one of those purposes. she needs her mother. i know you know that.
i'm so glad you posted. please know we are here for you.