....what compulsions made me do it?

so much amphetamines.....too much dope.....too long

heroin and alcohol and other things .....cigarettes..

why did I go that way

I can say yeah I have accomplished but I still drink

everything else is gone

but I must be still affected

oh well

[madisgram]

can't call u an alcoholic only you can qualify yourself, james. but if you are the majic word is acceptance of where you have arrived. not admitting we are alcoholic but accepting we are and resolving to change and free ourselves of the bondage of addiction.
when alcoholics drink the alcohol controls them not the other way around. if it worth it to be controlled? to submit to something that dictates our life, our decisions or lack thereof?, to numb our feelings so we're a shell of a person?, to hibernate so we can drink as we wish cutting off ourselves from life and friends?
alcohol promises us the world and gives us misery instead. a hopeless existance. we have given up and become powerless. alcohol dictates our existance.
is this truely LIVING? or is it not a waste of talents? is it not only a semblance of true life?
only we can decide which path we choose. we can choose the road less traveled. but it takes courage and willingness.
those of us who have acted on our own free will have found a world of discovery. a world of joy not nothingness. a world free of void. a world of loving oneself not self-hatred.
why not look at your life now and list what you are, have, feel, hope for. list the "benefits".
then list what you wish for your life. list the benefits of what and who you can become. the answers are there.
hope this may help you, dear friend. you are special. you are unique. there is not another you in this entire world. set yourself free!

Originally Posted by madisgram

can't call u an alcoholic only you can qualify yourself, james. but if you are the majic word is acceptance of where you have arrived. not admitting we are alcoholic but accepting we are and resolving to change and free ourselves of the bondage of addiction.
when alcoholics drink the alcohol controls them not the other way around. if it worth it to be controlled? to submit to something that dictates our life, our decisions or lack thereof?, to numb our feelings so we're a shell of a person?, to hibernate so we can drink as we wish cutting off ourselves from life and friends?
alcohol promises us the world and gives us misery instead. a hopeless existance. we have given up and become powerless. alcohol dictates our existance.
is this truely LIVING? or is it not a waste of talents? is it not only a semblance of true life?
only we can decide which path we choose. we can choose the road less traveled. but it takes courage and willingness.
those of us who have acted on our own free will have found a world of discovery. a world of joy not nothingness. a world free of void. a world of loving oneself not self-hatred.
why not look at your life now and list what you are, have, feel, hope for. list the "benefits".
then list what you wish for your life. list the benefits of what and who you can become. the answers are there.
hope this may help you, dear friend. you are special. you are unique. there is not another you in this entire world. set yourself free!

you are way too kind to me J.....bipolar borderline addiction hits me hard and i am just hanging in there....

I prefer not to fefine myself..

adoring the mystery instead and why not....I want to experience this world free and freedom and free of judgement.....I will go down in flames to prove it's fine it's got to be baby

[Leed]

Madisgram is right. I didn't have a clue WHO the real "me" was. I had been an alcoholic so long, that I lost the real 'me' and became someone who was lost in a world of misery, depression, darkness, no hope, thoughts of suicide, and constant worry of where I'd get more booze. That was my life for over 20 years.

When I finally got the courage to quit - and got clean I found that life COULD be what I'd always hoped!

And YOU CAN TOO. You HAVE the courage, since you already quit heroin, amphetamines, etc. Alcohol is a snap compared to that! You can do it!

And Madisgram is also right in that you're SPECIAL! There's no one LIKE you!

God bless, and hope to see you on the "other side." Hugs, Lee

[gma45]

I did the same thing for years. I had quit everything but the booze so thought I was ok. Then it happened went to Dr. for back pain and got hooked on the pills again. Just be careful addiction is a sneaky enemy.

Originally Posted by madisgram

can't call u an alcoholic only you can qualify yourself, james. but if you are the majic word is acceptance of where you have arrived. not admitting we are alcoholic but accepting we are and resolving to change and free ourselves of the bondage of addiction.
when alcoholics drink the alcohol controls them not the other way around. if it worth it to be controlled? to submit to something that dictates our life, our decisions or lack thereof?, to numb our feelings so we're a shell of a person?, to hibernate so we can drink as we wish cutting off ourselves from life and friends?
alcohol promises us the world and gives us misery instead. a hopeless existance. we have given up and become powerless. alcohol dictates our existance.
is this truely LIVING? or is it not a waste of talents? is it not only a semblance of true life?
only we can decide which path we choose. we can choose the road less traveled. but it takes courage and willingness.
those of us who have acted on our own free will have found a world of discovery. a world of joy not nothingness. a world free of void. a world of loving oneself not self-hatred.
why not look at your life now and list what you are, have, feel, hope for. list the "benefits".
then list what you wish for your life. list the benefits of what and who you can become. the answers are there.
hope this may help you, dear friend. you are special. you are unique. there is not another you in this entire world. set yourself free!

I never really gave this the response it deserved and I probably only glanced at it in some kinda shame but I returned to read it again and I thank you madi...

I feared the drink so severely that it just filled me with horror because I have survived fearlessly for so long and yet I have serious vulnerabilities!

not superhuman not magnificent but simple harmless pathetic unmajestic hopeless......ordinary human.

I didn't want to fear anything....especially not the drinks they remove the fears most regular people have but I cannot face....

life is incomplete without loss and it's too much!

the drinks enter my home as welcome as a friend when not so long ago the drinks were homeless barely able to subsist unopened.

is this apathy in it's most believable disguise? I don't know?

is it just me being realistic and facing my fears and challenging the alcoholism because all illnesses combined insist on finding a way through the maze