[Spirit0662]

After going through an intake appointment, and an initial treatment plan appointment, I finally was able to spend some time speaking with my therapist today. I found myself back in therapy again after not being able to regain control of my life since my daughter's assault last September.

Prior to that I had been able to live quite happily for several year without any type of psych meds but after the assault I headed into a tail spin. I went back on medications this past December. Since they don't seem to be working, I was in the hopes I might be able to be referred to an MD to tweak my meds or even change them. (i don't have private insurance)

Well, during today's session, spiritual life, as well as the 12-step program came up. I explained to her that I had spent 5 years very active in AA back in the early 90s and considered them the best time of my life. I attended meetings at least 4 or 5 nights a week and sometimes more than 7! I had a great group of friends who were not only sober, but were actually had sponsors and were working the steps. Not long after picking up my 5 year medallion i began to wonder if my addictions actually laid in the alcoholic area and maybe they belonged elsewhere as in OA. Though I knew I had addictive tendencies, I no longer felt I was an alcoholic. (and I know, I know - stinking thinking) But it didn't feel that way at the time...i had NO desire to drink, I just wanted the option there.

Okay, i'm going on too much. So, during my session today, I found that I actually lit up and smiled remember my time in AA and she suggested that I go back. i told her I didn't feel I could go back since I still don't think I have a problem with the drinking. (omg, do i sound like a newcomer or what!lol) She then asked me if i remember why we come to AA and yeah, i did.

It's not so much how much or how little we drink. Our lives have become unmanagable. - I know that's not a direct quote, but i think you get the drift. And my life is definitely unmanagable. So, I'm thinking I may have been wrong all those years ago, and need to drag my *** back to meetings. It's going to be harder this time as I'm living in a new location and no longer have those old AA friends to look to for support. I'm excited, scared, and all the other emotions that come with the steps I'm about to take. My biggest hope, I guess, is that I don't compare this time in my life, to when I was there last and can see this as a new beginning.

[madisgram]

i'm glad you are considering going back to AA. for those of us that utilize the 12 step program there are many benefits as you already know. i'm an oldtimer-22 yrs. sober. over time i learned there was no payoff to return to my old alcoholic life. i had learned there was no percentage in drinking. i had learned how to take the value out of the booze. you can too if you stay sober. it doesn't matter to debate what we know what we are. you seem to understand that premise. and one never loses what is learned in AA. when/if we return all that good stuff is still there in our minds.
some years ago i moved away-1200 miles-from my home group. everyone asked me who i knew there. i said no one yet but my new friends await me! it won't take you long to also meet the new ppl who await you. it's not the destination in our life that is important, but the journey to get there. please keep us posted and also know we're here to support you.

[Spirit0662]

Thank you so much for your support madisgram. I truly am looking forward to renewing my 'vows' to the 12-step program. The way I felt last night (and today) tells me that not only will this be good for me, but I have a feeling sharing my experiences are going to be a way of me helping others.

[Leed]

I think it's great you're going back to meetings.! I know it's going to be scary. But I'm sure you'll be welcomed with open arms!

Like Madisgram, I'm an "old-timer" with almost 19 years sober (in July) and I've seen too many people go back out for "further investigation" -- only to return to the tables destroyed. And like you said, it's not how much you drank or how often -- it's what it does to you! I drank LOTS at one time, and I was a totally different person when I drank -- very happy, but very mouthy too. LOL

You may not have your old friends, but after your first meeting, you'll have a bunch of NEW friends who will be with you on your new journey. I think you'll find it exciting! I wish you the very best and I hope you will keep us posted on how things go. God bless and please take care! Hugs, Lee

[Spirit0662]

It took me over a week to get there...(well, technically 17 years)....but I managed to drag myself into a meeting tonight. It was like I never left. However, the one thing I noticed in myself that had changed was the humility, or lack of. I found myself wanting to share 'the answers' to thoughts shared. It took a lot for me to share briefly only where I am right now. But it was harder for me not to want to share hope. All but one person there has less than 90 days sober and I soooo wanted to share everything I had learned in those 5 years with AA. Instead, I shared about how I thought I was 'cured' and took myself out of the rooms and how unmanageable my life was now. Hopefully, today is a new beginning.

[notz]

Your old chair was still waiting for you! That's good. Glad for you. Those newcomers are lucky you're there, it'll be good for you to share what you already know. Easy as riding a bike!

[Spirit0662]

Tonight gonna head out to the women's group! I started not to post now, but by doing so i HAVE to go and not wimp out. ;-)

[madisgram]

Instead, I shared about how I thought I was 'cured' and took myself out of the rooms and how unmanageable my life was now. Hopefully, today is a new beginning.

i'm sure your sharing this may help those newcomers and by doing that you help yourself! as for so many new attendees at the meeting-going to another group also may offer you some oldtimers to reach out to you.
you're giving yourself a new life. so glad you've "returned".

[Spirit0662]

Thanks for your thoughts and support. I did go to the womens group last night and managed to round up some phone numbers. Hopefully I will get out of the house today and go to another meeting.

[shortandcute]

spirit, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic--you dont just stop being one. some just learn how to stop drinking. but even in AA, people who have been sober for several years still introduce themselves as alcoholics; that's why we can never pick up that first drink.