[Polar]

Well to get started is they key soooo...... It started when I was 11 when I started having problems. Smoking pot everyday and drinking almost every night, apart from my 2 years on probation. By the time I hit 16 I have done every drug apart from pcp and shurm. At the age of 17 someone forced me to take pcp and %#@&#! me all up, adhd bipolar skitzo mass anxiety, drug induced psychosis. Ever since that day I have been urging more and more. Coke crack and meth addiction was there for a while after I could finally get out of my room 6 months later, though not really an addiction because I quit just like that, but people would consider an addiction. Til this day Im stilll drinking and smoking pot, doing shrooms, and ectacy, I just want it to all go away, but its like the devil is hanging in my head. Counseling, na, aa, nothing has helped but I have faith that there is someone in this world to help me. In real life I say no more then 10 words a day unless its an appt or rapping/freestyling/singing. I havnt had meds since they said I have a drug problem, but I do remember quitting for 4 months last summer to get help, then they said I have a drug problem and they said I was on crack all the time. So I just gave up and started back up again. Quit crack/coke/meth a few months ago. It dont help though when food makes me wanna puke but I wanna eat. I am 19 and a half now. Today I got a drug and alcahol appt to get back on medical. Im gonna show them what Im like drugging out and drinking. I know though it wont go no where and I will be in the same spot last time I was going through with this %#@&#!.

Hi Polar,
How did your appt. go?
I hope that you're okay.
((((Polar)))))

[Tigerlilly]

You and I are in a similar boat, but the boat is sinking FAST. AIN'T NOBODY GONNA SAVE YO' ***** because they are trying to save their own.
Look, you can try to analyze your problem, and I agree with you about shrinks, but if you do not have a group of friends and family supporting your sobriety, then kiss your ***** goodbye. I am an addict, and active one. I've done the crap you have and ended up a 39 year old alcoholic and drug addict. Is that what you want to be?
Do you think when I was your age that someone came along with wise words to stop me from taking every freakin' drug I could get my hands on. NOOOO. And guess what ,sweetie, it's not going to happen to you. You never stop wanting that as a solution, but it's not going to happen.
I do think positive messages, compassion, empathy and understanding do help, because the lack of it fuels the addiction, BUT you have to have that special fire in you, that refuses to give in to drugs, that says "I deserve better". If you can't ignite that flame, no kind words work.
I should know, I've had a bottle of wine and a little Valium, like every night. It's destroying my life, my health, everything, but I struggle to care.

[Polar]

I have that fire in me, but I dont know how to build on it. I know how that is, I finally cut down to light beer and I have a bottle of vicadin, darvaset, and oxy that I pop some when I drink just to sleep.
Edit:
The appointment went well, hopefully I can get medical because they said I have a chemical dependancy problem.

[shadowalker164]

Mostly when I read “I’m 19 and I’m gonna show them what I’m like drugging out and drinking” I just take a pass. I have nothing of real value to offer. But I read what Tigerlilly said and felt obliged to respond. Polar, I am an alcoholic/addict from the old school. I left Viet Nam in 1970 strung out on smack. Spent the best part of a year shooting speed in Germany, and stumbled into my first AA meeting many, many years later.

It took what it took. I wasn’t ready to change one moment before I was ready to change. I needed to drink and snort and shoot every thing I did in order to become ready. Desperation was the needed ingredient. The needed gift if you will. It was missing for a long time. Pain, sure, I had lots of pain, but no desperation. Like you Polar, I was going to show them just who they were dealing with.

I lacked the willingness to do anything in order to get clean and sober. And I was lost.

Like Tigerlilly said “AIN'T NOBODY GONNA SAVE YO' A**” And not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. Nobody can do that. Nobody can get somebody else sober! As long as you think you or anyone else in your life is in control of your addictions, you will continue to be their slave.

Admission of powerlessness seems to be the key to making any progress with this thing. But I will just bet you don’t like the sound of that word. I didn’t like the sound of it much myself. But I had been given the gift of desperation, I was willing to try anything to stop the pain.

But you are young, and you are full of yourself.

When you are ready, we’ll be around
Richard

hi polar.

im sorry to hear you say those words, my heart goes out to you.

im not an alcoholic, or drug addict etc, but i have first hand experience of it, so i know what you are going through. 19 and a half...the same as me lol. so im on your wavelength with that one too hehe.

in times like this you need to take a step back from the hectic life and observe what needs and change, and when. if you have the passion and willingness to change thats a great start, and you say you dont know where to go from here...to be honest i think youv'e already started doing whats needed next. seeing profeesionals is a great start. consider going to another support group such as AA, or look on the web for other local groups that might do one-to-one support too. all these things are there for a reason.

everyone needs family and friends around them to love you as that will give you the lifeline you need through this. support is everything throughout this. maybe consider asking your parents, and siblings for help, tell them how you feel. you'll be surprised of the reactions.

the need to show them what your like under the influence is understandable, but personally i dont think its the way to do it. they know how people are whilst on drugs so they dont need to be shown. you dont need to prove yourself to anyone.

good luck with everything polar, and stay on PC too, this is a great site for self-help that could also be your lifeline. there are many people here who know exactly how you feel and who are willing to help you.

take care and i hope to speak to you soon. and if theres anything you need, feel free to pm me anytime.

simon