[Honeychild]

So Guys...

I had a drink (or a bottle), which I do regularly but I'm on tour again and by myself - which is the hardest! I'm by myself a good 2 weeks of every month. The drink hasn't stopped yet and I've been through 2.5 bottles of wine and still standing... now if that was Vodka - I could carry on forever. On tour though - the drugs are free?...

I don't want to change my career at the moment, or ever. I really like the people I have met and I love my lifestyle. Please understand that the people I work with do not support my lifestyle... People think I drink alot but think it's great that I don't ever seem to cave, throw up or make too much of an arse of myself (maybe), that's probably drug induced though?

I keep slapping myself in the face, but have always managed to find someone to supply.

Anyway, I'm not looking for any 'probs solved' or 'take it a day at a time' - i just want to know if someone's in the same boat.

I know you guys mean well
xxxxx

PS
Is anyone where I am at the mo? Good life, great friends (not druggies), but I'm still trying to kill my bank balance - and lose my mates in the process - although they're sound?

[Raynaadi]

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Anyway, I'm not looking for any 'probs solved' or 'take it a day at a time' - i just want to know if someone's in the same boat.

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Can't help you then. I was in your boat about a year and a half ago.

[Honeychild]

Hi Raynaadi

I apologise for the way I addressed the issue - I get a bit up my a!rse sometimes.

I've had a few drinks tonight but not like last night... I can't sleep and I sweat and sweat.

Anyway, I think it's about time you guys had some idea of who I really am to give you a bit of perspective.

I think you need to know my full situation though. I'm working as an Irish Independent (escort) - originally from South Africa - so have no friends or family close by. I started in July last year and worked in Dublin for 3 months. The reason I started was because I left my husband, ironically enough I found out he was visiting prostitutes (we lived in London then and were together for 3 years - a long time for a 23 year old) - there were other reasons ofcourse, but this was breaking point. He refused to divorce me and I spent thousands trying to track him.

When the 'friend' that brought me over started accusing me of nasty things, I decided to go on tour on my own. This means living out of a hotel. Ordering room srvice 'til your hearts content and before I knew it I was to used to drinking every night just to get sleep.

Anyway, a hop skip and a jump later - I'm still in Ireland trying to support this superficial lifestyle. I'm applying to college as a mature student this September. Its a disaster waiting to happen though. You see, I've recently moved to a coastal town ( which I consider my 'cash cow'). I've met someone great - one of the DJ's I met before... I so desperateley want to share my life with someone - to look out for someone other than myself. It's such a small town though, just recently found out his mates live in the apartment below me!!!! And I'm seeing clients from there.

I apologise again if I seemed - I don't know really. It's just so hard.....!!!!
I'm gonna get caught out sooner or later! I finally feel like I have a home after a year.... The drink just calms my nerves 'til I pass out. I know it's pathetic, but I seriously, really seriously battle with the idea of not having a drink....

I would appreciate your advice and anyone elses.

Goodnight
HC

[Raynaadi]

Uh, what exactly do you mean by escort? I know what that means here in the states, but I know words have different meanings across the globe.

I too, started noticing that alcohol calmed my nerves and helped me sleep. That's how I began to justify it. It started years ago, drinking a glass of wine before bed. But then I just really enjoyed it, and soon I couldn't live without it. Drinking became a social escape, a way to feel relaxed around people, loosening my inhibitions so I could have what I thought of as fun. It became the only way I could function in a public way, the only way I could dance, the only way I could sing, the only way I could have sex, and the only way I could sleep. This went on for a couple of years, and then I rekindled a relationship with the love of my life from high school. We would drink and shoot pool and the relationship started off based on sex and then turned into a coupling. In the end, my drinking caused so many problems in our relationship that I lost him, after years of hoping I'd get him back. I didn't realize it at the time that this unmanageability was caused by my drinking. I went on for a couple more months, getting more and more isolated, drinking at home because it was cheaper then drinks in the bars and cab rides. I'd justify the drinking alone by hanging out in the chatroom here on psychcentral, "drinking" with the people in chat. I began having an affair with a married man, just as much of a raging alcoholic as I. One night over about 6 pitures of beer, I said to him that we should quit drinking and go to AA. This thought came out of no where. He said we'd talk about it the next day and we kept on drinking. Well, we did talk about it the next day and attended 3 AA meetings together. Long story short, he decided to go off the wagon and I decided to stay. It's been nearly 15 months of continuous sobriety for me. It was all a decision. A decision I did not expect. But I made the decision to stay sober. I've done it by going to meetings and doing what was suggested there. I saw the smiles and heard the laughter of these people who had attained sobriety. I wanted that. I wanted genuine happiness. So I decided to do what they did. Now that's just how I did it. But in my opinion, however you do it, you must first simply make the decision to live sober. That's all I did to start. I believe that since it was a genuine decision, I could have done it any way I sought and been successful. I chose to stick with AA because really, it's so simple and easy. At first I gave up my old lifestyle, gave up playing pool, which I LOVE. I would go pro if I could. But I thought I'd never play again because I thought I'd never go into a bar again. However, once I built a foundation and got some good solid sobriety under my belt, I ventured into a pool room and am now playing on an amature 9-ball league. Competing again, the girl who gave up the drink and thought she'd never step foot again into a place that sold alcohol. I take my program with me when I go. I have found other people in sobriety who also play in the league, and it never fails, whenever I go to a pool hall to practice, there's someone I've seen in a meeting there as well. We keep each other safe that way. I am a true believer that we can stay sober through anything. I believed that before I had proof of my own, and then about 2 months ago, I was given that proof. I started loosing vision in my right eye and went to the ER. Long story short, I was given an MRI and diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. For about 5 minutes after the diagnosis, I was screaming at the doctor, "What the ***** did I get sober for???" Then it hit me, it would be so much worse if I were drunk. My body is much more able to handle this disease without the debilitating effects of alcohol added to it. MS is a dibilitating disease as it is, making me stumble like a drunk even though I'm sober. Drinking would only add to that. My sobriety has only gotten stronger through this. How, you might ask, do I not crave a drink, even through hardship? I can tell you how I did it, but I'm not one to preach AA to someone not interested. I'll digress back to my original topic. Sobriety is a decision. Plan and simple. I could probably do it on my own if I wanted to, but I chose to have the backing of millions of others across the globe. I could visit Ireland and find someone who understands. Africa, Australia, China....I can walk anywhere a free woman today, including pool rooms and bars, as long as I have a valid motive for being there. Sobriety for me is the only way to be, and has allowed me a life I never thought possible. There's my testimonial. Take what you like and leave the rest. If you'd like virtual help on your journey, please feel free to PM me. And just remember, it's simply a decision.