[fate2freewill]

I started a thread about my friend in the BP section as he admits to being a "tiny bit BP", and also admits to having a drinking problem. The folks in the BP section said that since he is not on med or formally diagnosed with BP, the alcohol issue needs to be addressed first.

My friend flipped out on me 10 days ago. (letter below will explain) I waited 2 days and sent him a link about something he is passionate about. He responded with one angry line. The next day I sent him a new related link. He again responded with anger saying he would not waste his brain power on reading it. I have not sent anything else. He has cut off communications since. He has been my best friend for the last 2 years. We would talk daily and have had a very intellectual relationship. He has no other friends except for me, seriously, no friends. His personality is strange, yet appealing to me as I find him stimulating. He is very much like "Dr. House" on the TV show with all the sarcasm and self righteousness of him.

I started this letter to him. I just don't know if I should finish it and email it or send a short note of just checking in, or what. I am concerned for him and I miss our daily communications. Here is the letter so far;

Dear Neal,
You really scared me this last time and it can’t be pushed under the rug!
You know I care a great deal about you and value your friendship. I want you to be happy and to find love. Whatever causes you to flip out needs to be dealt with or it will happen again and again, and you could end out hurting yourself or someone, or lose your future love.
I want to review what happened, just in case you actually don’t remember everything.
You went to the concert on Friday night and had a few beers. I don’t know if you ate before the show. You called me after the show and told me to come over. You texted me around midnight and told me you were home, to come, and be ready for a linguistics lesson. I picked up a bottle of wine and came over. We talked for a few hours and I got tired. You told me to be sure and leave some wine for you so I left the rest of the bottle that had about one glass.
The next morning you sent me a text me at 9:21AM with the word, “Arise.” You called a few minutes later and told me you were drinking wine and you wanted to come over. You arrived with a 6 pack of beer. I was working in the kitchen and having coffee. We had a fun day, watching college football, talking, looking at my old things from Bulgaria and trying to get the speakers to work. Ron came downstairs at about 3PM and talked to you about music. I heated a can of soup and ate. You finished the 6 pack of beer.
Around 5PM we drove Ron to his friend’s house. You wanted to stop at a bar for a drink. We went to Montana’s and you did not want to stay because there was no one there. We went to Rounder’s next which was packed. You switched to vodka-cranberry. I ordered wine. We were there till it got dark. I had 3 glasses of wine and you had 3 tall vodka-cranberry drinks and I ordered food. I ate and you had nothing. I got a box for your food. We left and you pulled over and asked me to drive.
Next you wanted to get more wine so we went to Von’s. I selected a bottle and you grabbed a pretty bottle with Greek designs that was champagne. We went to check out and the clerk was busy counting change and ignored you. You were trying to pay but she had not pressed the button confirming you were old enough to buy alcohol so the transaction did not go through. You swiped your Von’s card and credit card 3 times and got more stressed with each passing moment. Finally you yelled at the clerk and told her to stop counting change and take notice that you are having problems. She turned around, pressed the button, and you swiped your credit card. She told you to swipe your Von’s card and you yelled, “No, I want to just go!” You grabbed the bag and stormed out the store. The clerk tried to say to swipe your Von’s card for the discount and she will give you the money back. I swiped mine and she gave me the $10. You were standing at your car as I had the keys. I handed you the money and you tore it on half and threw it on the parking lot and yelled you don’t want it.
You were ranting about the problems with everyone else on the 2 mile drive back to my place. I tried to calm you down and told you how the clerk was rude. You carried in the bag with the bottles and kept ranting about Ron, Lee and Brittany. You dropped the wine bottle which broke on the kitchen floor. I kept asking you to calm down, again telling you that the clerk was rude but let it go. I started to clean up the glass and spill. You kept yelling and grabbed the larger section of the broken bottle and threw it on the floor again, making a bigger mess and yelled , "here's more glass for you to clean up since you seem to like cleaning so much!"
You kept yelling and saying mean things about my kids, my life, my home, and my friends. You started drinking out of the other bottle direct and expressing hate for everything around me. You even said that maybe you belong on meds. I kept calm and asked you to please relax and calm down, saying things like no one is perfect, we all have flaws, and so on. You set the other bottle on the floor and it fell over and spilled. I said I will clean it up. You had a cigarette and came back in and sat down. I finished cleaning and sat on the red round chair.
Suddenly you got up, got into my face, grabbed my glass and held it to your wrist and yelled how many times you would like to cut your wrist and finish it all. I grabbed my glass back. Next you held your finger to your head like a gun and said you would like to blow your brains out. I was crying at this point and you were gritting your teeth as you were yelling and really scaring me. You swung his arm and purposely knocked over the lamp and the table. You were trying to provoke me to fight you! I picked up the table and lamp, stayed calm, never raising my voice through the whole thing. I walked over to my purse in the kitchen, turned to you and said, "I am leaving my home. You are welcome to stay and cool down. If you leave, just close the door so my dogs don't get out." I went to my car, jumped in, locked my doors, and drove away. I passed by my house 10 minutes later and you were gone.
You can’t blame me or my son or Brittany or anyone for your behavior. You drank wine in the morning, you brought over the beer, you ordered the vodka and you suddenly snapped at Von’s. I have experienced your snaps a number of times now. It seems that they generally involve when you change to hard liquor.
You have said I am your therapist before, so please take the time to think about my words before you reply.
When I research “angry drinker”, the consensus is that a person who is internally anger and hides it till they finally reach a point where they suddenly let it out. A person, who is actually sad inside, suddenly cries and is the sad drunk. A person who doesn’t hide their feelings just becomes a drunk. It is the cultural veil, as you would say.
You become very angry at a certain point when you drink too much. How many times has this happened with you since I have known you? I can think of 6 or 7 times.

That is as far as I am and I don't know where to go from here. Any one who has experience with drinkers, or has done this same thing, please let me know what you think I should do. I am concerned for him.
Peace

[OuttaControl2]

unfortunately I know this story all too well... it's the story of my partner and I... she's currently in rehab for the third time in 6 years. I have no advice to give, I wish I did. but at least I can let you know you are not alone.

[fate2freewill]

So sorry about your wife. Wow, she is lucky you have not left her! My friend started drinking on a regular basis ay age 12 and is 36 now. He doesn't want to quit. Its his best friend! LOL

[Perna]

I think you should wait until he contacts you; he clearly is not interested in interacting at the moment and your letter detailing his behavior you do not like is not going to help him want to contact you?

[fate2freewill]

My friend contacted me last night via text message. I replied and we went back and forth for about 30 minutes with trivia. He asked me to come over. I brought water and he was on his 6th beer and had 2 shots of tequila before I got there.

It had been 2 full week since the flip out. He was in a very philosophical mood. He gave me a very sincere apology over his behavior and said that he drank too much and knew he was trying to engage me in a fight.

He had a question and I said I will give him an answer today or tomorrow. It was; "Why would I want to still be his friend after this last flip out? Am I a glutton for punishment, an idiot, a mother Theresa, or low self esteem or what?"

I am not any of his options, I told him, I just know that people do and say stupid things under the influence or when agitated, but that does not mean that the relationship should be thrown away. I said I can't walk away from someone if I can possibly help them. He said to me to not try to fix him. I said I am not, but I won't watch him kill himself.
I was very tired and told him I need to sleep and we'll continue this conversation over the weekend.

Now I have to think of why do I take **** from people and forgive them and don't get mad? Perna, do you stay with your wife? I assume you still love her and maybe you have a family with her. I do love my friend as a friend and the friendship is usually good.

I have a roommate that is BPI hypomania on meds. She flipped out this week over the sound of the washing machine when she wanted to sleep. She yelled, left and send mean text messages of how much she hates renting from me and hates my son and so on. I never replied to her nasty messages and when I saw her the next day, I was happy and greeted her like nothing happened. She later said to me that if she had acted that way to her mother, she would have come back to her stuff in garbage bags on the sidewalk and her mother would of texted back to move the **** out if you don't like it. My roommate was surprised that I was not upset at her.
Again, I question, is there something wrong with the fact that I forgive and don't get mad?

[spondiferous]

Is there a reason you don't get mad? Are you trying to avoid escalation? The only person who can really say whether or not it's a problem for you is, well, you.
As for the drinking friend, or drinkers in general, all you can really do is put up firm boundaries. And stick to them. No matter what kind of mood they are in. For example (and this is just an example - take what you like and leave the rest) you might suggest that the two of you hang out without the drinking. See what he says. You may want to consider not drinking with him (as you did when you brought the water that time) given that he has such a problem with it. And I am a recovered alcoholic - so I know what it's like to be on the chaos-causing side of it. You are entitled to stick up for yourself.

[YoungCollins]

Originally Posted by fate2freewill

So sorry about your wife. Wow, she is lucky you have not left her! My friend started drinking on a regular basis ay age 12 and is 36 now. He doesn't want to quit. Its his best friend! LOL

yeah she is really lucky to have him, but feel sorry for your friend, you must help her/him get to have a rehab treatment

[helper1234]

This is a tough situation. I would think, from reading you post that you are a very forgiving and peace loving person. Take care of yourself, and remember that the problem is his. If you continue with this relationship eventually you will probably have to set limits where he does not drink when you are around. He doesn't want you to change him, but he must realize that his behavior is not very conducive to a healthy relationship. So, take care of yourself, and remember to be true to yourself.

[steelfang]

I think you should wait till your friend is in a more clear state of mind before you talk. Any attempts of erasing with him before he is ready will do more harm than good.

Hang in there!