I'm sorry. . .

I just want to put that out their first; just in general to the world and those I've hurt and those I had the potential to seriously hurt. I'm not sure if sorry is enough but I'm going to now take responsibility and go to my first AA meeting tonight.

I don't drink everyday but when I start, I don't stop. Over the past few weeks, I've begun to blackout again and make extremely stupid choices with severe consequences.

This is just step one and somehow, I feel a little better sharing here first.

i am gla that you have shared it with us and I hope that you will continue to keep us updated... because we are all here to help and support you no matter what. And I think you deserve a huge amount of credit for going to AA tonight... it really shows that you dont want this to be your way of life... so many congrats to that and i really hope that it goes well for you.

Take Care and Good Luck x
Blue Eyes

Good for you! I love my meetings. I'll be at one tonight too. =) Announce yourself when they ask if anyone has under 30 days, and reach out for help. Great 1st step for ya. Keep us posted. =)

Ok. . . My first experience.

To start off with, I had called a dear friend of mine and explained my situation (she is a recovering addict) and said she would go with me to that meeting or any other. So, we made plans to meet Friday evening after she was finished with work. Prior to meeting her, I had previously made plans to drop by another friends party at a local resturaunt/bar, my dear friend said that might not be a good idea but I decided to go anyway.

Once I arrived there, I ordered a soda. I've never been one to crave a drink but rather once I start, I don't want to quit. I just enjoy the feeling so much. I quit feeling stupid and self-concious and I able to forget all my 'crap'. Strangly, while I sat there having my soda, I did 'think' I really wanted just one. I'm not sure if that was a mental thing or if I really don't realize what sort of problem I'm actually dealing with here. Well, I left the 'party' and met my friend to head to a meeting.

Once we arrived at the meeting, I just was really a spectater last night. My dear friend knew a lot of folks there, so I sorta followed her lead, she was introducing me, etc, etc. I remember just sitting there and really looking all the other people in the room (most were there by a court order) and I kept thinking, do 'I' really belong here. Once things got underway and the speaker began talking, I was over whelmed. Most things he had to say, I could relate with. It was really humbling.

Well, after it was said and done with, I went back to my dear friends house and we watched a movie and talked. Strangly, as we talked, the show that was on showed a woman holding a glass of wine. I don't think I've ever been that aware of alcohol on TV but I do remember having a 'sensation' of that looks good. I'm still confused, I'm not sure if I'm mentally just NOW thinking I want a beverage or if that feeling has been there all along.

Anyway, I'm going to another meeting tonight. The reason I want to go again is that normally, I would have free time on a weekend. In the past, anytime I have free time without responsibilities to anyone else, I will take my stupid butt to a bar. Many times, I'll go by myself. I just hate being alone in my house when no one is around. So, for tonight, I don't want to be alone but I don't want to drink either.

I tell ya what, it was wonderful to wake up this morning with out my head throbbing and that incurable thirst. Even though me and my dear friend stayed up late talking, I can FUNCTION!!! Yippie!!!!

Good for you! I hope you can continue to do such good self care