I need some advice!

Hello there I'm a newbie here. And looking to get myself out there. First of all I am obese I way around 350 I have not been on a scale in 2 months so not shore how much I actually weigh. I am also a fan of the PC my desktop is my best friend and has been since I was like 12 or 13 and our relationship just grew from there. I am on my deskptop from the time I wake up till the time I decide to lay down to try and sleep. I don't even know how much sleep I get. All I know is when I start to yawn and my eyes get heavy I turn off the desktop and lay in bed. But I toss and turn for I don't know how long. And since I live in Wisconsin the furnace is always going and its hot as hell in my room even my small fan dose not keep it cool enough in here.

But the Desktop was not my first passion. I guess it would have to have been CUTTING. Paper cutting that is. I cut anything from newspaper, cereal boxes, soda cases of 12 packs. I will even tear the front and back pages off of magazines and catalogs for there glossy paper. I take my scissors and cut the paper into 1 or 1-1/2 inch strips and the I cut them into little tiny pieces. I can fill a empty walmart bag in like 2 or 2 and a half days.I do it for hours. If I look at the time on my computer at 12 for example and then look back again it might be 2:30 or so and then I realize how long I have been cutting for and then I try and slow down but it dose not help. A few years ago my mother tried hiding my scissors just to make me stop. She would even hide them in the bathroom under the cupboard in a small box or anything. I would buy more scissors and use them. I would buy scissors for $1.00 to $6.00 just because some are sharper then others. I still cut paper more then I care for my self.

I eat a whole bag of chipping while cutting paper and watching anime or tv shows or movies on my desktop. I eat and eat and eat. And when I try on clothing rom my closet that my mother bought me. I feel stupid and I make myself promises. I tell myself "I will clean my bedroom tomorrow to get rid of the dirty dishes and plates.I will stack up my newspapers and get rid of them I will,I will, I will." But I never do. I will go for a walk once a day even of its to the end of the driveway. "Oh its to cold. I can't find my shoes. I don't want to today. I will tomorrow." But tomorrow never comes because I turn on my desktop and pick up my plastic drawer that I cut the paper up into and then empty into a bag.

I never do anything for my health. I don't know if its because of my bad habit of turning to the computer because there's no one else to turn to or if its because of a deeper problem.

All I know is I turn to the paper cutting and desktop more then fitness and healthy eating. And I don't really think I care much to be honest. I don't see myself as fat until I look in the mirror or until I look at a picture of myself. I always figure the less people see of me the less embarrassed I have to be. So when I turn to my paper to keep my hands busy while waiting for my videos to load. I don't have to worry about embarrassing people because I'm alone.

Its sicking how alone I am but whats worse is I don't think I care anymore. I keep getting bigger and bigger. I look online for help to lose weight but I know I can't do it alone and every-time I think about how hard it is I turn back to picking up my box and closing out the weight lose help sites.

I think there is something wrong with me but I have never asked for help before. I decided to write this on here to open up to as many people out there that decides to read this post.

God bless.

Maybe get a gym pass and start going regularly? Also try to change your eating. You will feel better about yourself.

I would suggest counseling to help you balance out your life. Someone to help guide and support you in you endevers to lose weight, and spend more time taking care of you.

Good for you for telling your story here on this forum. When you wrote about intending to get some exercise every day, but can't seem to stick to that plan, it reminded me of a time when I thought to get up every morning at 6 a.m. to ride my bicycle - but I only did that about two times - then gave up on that plan. Maybe it was with the realization that every day was too intensive - so perhaps a better plan would have been maybe two or three times per week instead. I guess what I'm saying is take smaller steps and gradually get there. That way you can congratulate yourself for each small step, without scolding yourself for not following through with the "daily" stuff. Eat healthy - try to follow the food guide. For the cutting - maybe try to think of some alternatives (or even use some of those cut pieces to make art).
For the computer use - a method that I used (and this worked for me) - I decided that I should only use the computer for research and the occasional email - so I closed the computer and taped a note on it to remind me of this "research only". Then carry on with my day (as I had before computer ever entered my life - there was my life before computer).

life before computer! what?!

brought back distant memories of climbing trees as a child...

Anyone's choice about how he/she wants to spend their time. I personally do not like spending much time on computer, and I would rather be doing many other things instead of sitting in front of a computer. Maybe it depends on a person's age. My life has nothing to do with climbing trees. Nor am I referring to childhood.

Hello Papercutter ~ I read your story with much interest. You have a lot of drive or at least energy if you can spend hours cutting paper into tiny bits. I was waiting to hear you say you are collecting them, sorting them by color to create a collage' or mosaic art piece. I keep thinking, you have all that wonderful material you are making ... you are driven to make it, perhaps there is a hidden artist in you. I imagine you use this time to either zone out, or are intently thinking while you are doing the paper cutting.
I think it is a fascinating aspect to the world you have created for yourself. Maybe consider that there is a purpose for this. You are getting ready for something to happen. I am very intrigued with your pass-time.

As to your weight & desire to change, exercise, feel better, I think you are half way there. Wanting to do this is a huge thing.
I am a big believer in taking very baby steps when we want to make big changes. Remember who you are doing this for; YOU!
Walking is an excellent 'go to' to get started. The end of the driveway, the end of the block, around the block. Do it at your own pace, but ...do it! You know you want to, and if a cheerleader is what you need, or want to be accountable to someone, so they know you are trying, you have come to the right place. There are many here who would love to hear that you are taking control of this & making the changes you want.

The computer, in my opinion, and I am sure I am not alone in this, is a crutch, a drug, an addiction, just like those chips you like to eat. Your body craves them. These are things you can also address a little at a time. You can actually do this; cut yourself some slack.
Be mindful of the time & limit yourself, a little at a time, how much you are on the computer. Turn in on later in the day, off earlier in the evening. Listen to music or other programming to keep yourself busy.

I hear in your voice, a person who is ready to make a change. Don't forget that every single day is a new day that you can do one small change-up in activity. If you have a bad day, don't forget, you get another chance tomorrow.
I really am excited to know you & look forward to hearing updates when you are ready to do that.
Best of luck to you Papercutter, so happy you found PC.

Hello PC,

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story. I used to have a lot of problems with self-injury starting when I was only 12. Have you ever seen a counselor? I ask because when you said you're having problems cleaning clutter that was my problem as well when I was very depressed. For me it the clutter was causing anxiety and making my life hard to control. It was almost like a messy room meant a messy mind. And because I wasn't organized starting any new habits like exercise or a healthy diet was hard. I do understand that you live in a cold part of the US, but baby steps like were posted above are a great place to start.

The internet can be an addiction just as much as junk food! Maybe you could spend part of your time writing in a journal, reading books, writing and reading positive affirmations that can boost your self-esteem. I listen to self-guided meditation with ear buds on my smart phone. They also have many apps for weight loss, self-esteem, anxiety etc. I think it's also good to understand that you didn't gain the weight overnight, so weight loss is a journey that takes time. Most people who crash diet or starve have a hard time maintaining the weight loss. I sometimes watch TV shows or youtube videos about weight loss for inspiration, and a good website is T.O.P.S. - take off pounds sensibly. I try to eat real food instead of man made engineered food products by shopping on the outskirts of grocery stores.

Like was said above, you've made the first step by posting here, and that takes courage!

Peace,

TnT