[madeleine02]

So I've been struggling with major depression for years and to add to my problems i chose to drink, do drugs, and cheat on my husband as an effort to cope. I know none of those coping mechanisms are healthy or helpful. The drug addiction started about two and a half years ago when my daughter spent a month in the hospital and nearly died. My spouse offered no support to me and was so wrapped up in our daughter that I felt alone. He never left her side and forced me to go back to work in order to pay bills and health insurance. I felt so guilty over leaving her hours away in another city while she was quite possibly dying!! While I was alone at home I first started using drugs. It felt good and gave me relief, or so I thought. My daughter survived, but my husband remains in some weird psychological codependent state with her. I feel shut out, ignored, abandoned, neglected, all that. I have to actually fight to do things for her as my husband insists on doing everything for her and constantly keeping her by his side. She is now six and a half years old and I bought her a queen size bed back in February as an effort to get my marital bed back (we have shared the bed as a family her whole life). My husband moved into her bed to "help her adjust" and never came back. Our sex life is nonexistent. I am so starving for human touch that I made the decision to cheat once with a man that lives far away. It was fantastic and I didn't even feel bad at first when I came home. But, I started going to counseling and thinking about all the bad things I've done and the guilt really began to set in. I started using drugs and alcohol more and more as efforts to regain closeness to my husband failed repeatedly. I even started divorce proceedings and got my parents involved, then changed my mind and now haven't spoken to my parents in two months because they want me to leave him and I don't want to. I have now been to multiple therapists and psychiatrists, tried antidepressants and antianxiety meds...nothing is helping and I feel so hopeless!!! What do I do? Keep searching until I find someone who can help me? I finally got caught using drugs last night by my husband. He didn't belittle me or anything. He said it has to stop right now and things are just progressively getting worse. He took our daughter to work with him today because he doesn't trust me. He went out of town to his dad's tonight and I asked if he is avoiding me. He said he needs some time. I asked if he's going to leave me-- no answer.

I don't know what to do to feel better. I am hurting so badly. I've read self-help books, kept a diary, tried to find hobbies... I am at a loss. I know that I need to make myself happy again. It is not my husband's responsibility to make me happy and I don't really blame him. I think our daughter's illness caused some PTSD for both of us. He is overly close to her and I pulled away.

He is a divorce attorney. He could draw up papers and walk out with my daughter and accuse me of drug use and alcoholism and I probably couldn't stop him from getting sole custody because of it. The thought of that alone is enough to make me want to stop everything right now and make big changes in my life. I swear to myself I will never touch drugs again. I need to stop and make myself proud of who I am again.

right now I hate myself. I am not suicidal, but I wish I could just get far away from me. I don't blame him for not wanting to be affectionate or even look at me.

How do I love myself? Where do I start? Is anyone out there who can help me?

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, madeleine02. I am sorry you have been through so much. What seems accurate is what you are doing is not working. My suggestions is to try professional help again. Print a copy of your post for the professional(s).

I wish there were some magic words to say to make your life better. What I see is hard work and perseverance.

I wish you well.

[Altered Moment]

First step is to get clean and sober and stay that way. It is very difficult for a psychiatrist to treat any form of mental illness if we are drinking and using to self medicate. I had my first psychiatrist tell me that if I didn't go to rehab he would refuse to treat me. I did and have been clean and sober 19 years. I had to do it with treatment and AA. Only you can find out if you can quit without help. Be totally honest with your mental health professionals.

[madeleine02]

Thank you for the replies. Yes, I agree I need to stay sober. I tried a few AA meetings on my own. I didn't find them helpful so I quit. I didn't really give them a chance either, I guess.

I feel like I can't be totally honest and get the proper help because of my job. I am a healthcare professional. I once saw a coworker check himself into rehab on his own and the state boards promptly suspended his license. I have never been impaired at work. However I am required to report any kind of substance anise treatment to my state board. It makes me not want to seek help. They shouldn't punish people for trying to help themselves.

[madeleine02]

My husband won't leave my daughter at home with me now. He says he's still shaken up about what he saw the other day, understandably.

I know there are consequences for my actions. Things could be a lot worse. He and my daughter could be gone or I could be sitting in jail. I will take these consequences happily and hope that things will improve as he slowly regains trust in me. I don't know if he will ever trust me completely again.

In the meantime I will try to make the best of my day sitting home alone. Maybe meditate and look for a new doctor online.

This is what got me in trouble to begin with-- all the sitting at home alone feeling lonely and hating myself. I need distractions.

[Altered Moment]

That is true it is difficult for health professionals. My brother almost lost his pharmacy license. He turned himself in. They tested him for a couple of years and he never lost his licence.

AA should be totally anonymous and no one at work has to know. Anonymity is a very strong principle of AA but of course not everyone follows it. I found people take it pretty seriously though.

Tough call because if it gets worse and worse you may not be able to keep your job and your family anyway. Many of us lose jobs and families because of our use before getting help. Some never get help and keep going down hill.